How Do I Say Goodbye?

     Last Saturday I started to write a post about the stages of grief titled "Grief is Lifelong."  Never in a million years did I EVER imagine that the very next day, I would get the devastating news that my baby sister, Amber Jo passed away in her sleep unexpectedly Sunday morning.  I am shattered beyond belief.  I can't imagine how her husband or my parents feel. 
     I keep trying to figure out how to get my words down, but I am so raw and numb.  I am going through the motions each day, and it still hasn't set in that she is really gone.  She was such a beautiful soul.  You couldn't help but smile when you talked to her, even when you were mad at her.  She had this massive dimple that she would pull out and smile all day long at you until you cracked and smiled back.

 

She loved all of her nieces and nephews with all of her heart: Stephanie, BJ, Brandon, Destiny, Shelby, Dana, Caden, Lydia, JJ, Jeremiah, and Skyler. 

 

And boy oh boy, she could NOT wait to make Skyler as girly as possible.  She had visions of tutus and huge bows and sparkly nail polish.  And glitter and sequins.  And shoes.

 

     I just don't understand why she had to go.  I don't understand why it was her time, even though I know it was because God doesn't make mistakes.  I'm tired of hearing that Heaven gained another angel.  It's still too raw.  It still hurts entirely too much. 

     I am pushing on each day because my kids depend on me.  But at night, I am wide awake.  Looking at pictures.  Seeing facebook posts.  Every second I wish I could talk to her one last time or hug her a little harder.  She knew I loved her.  I made a point every time we talked to say I love you.  Because you just never know.

     It is absolutely not fair that she is gone.  She was my very first best friend.  I didn't fully appreciate that until we were older.  But as we aged from childhood to adulthood, we shared many late night conversations, many secrets, many heartfelt conversations. 

 

My thoughts are so scattered.  My heart is so heavy.  We will get through this together, you and I.  But the road ahead is as bumpy as it is long.  The days will be filled with sunshine and darkness.  And I ask that prayers abound for my entire family.

 

Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.