How Do I Say Goodbye?

     Last Saturday I started to write a post about the stages of grief titled "Grief is Lifelong."  Never in a million years did I EVER imagine that the very next day, I would get the devastating news that my baby sister, Amber Jo passed away in her sleep unexpectedly Sunday morning.  I am shattered beyond belief.  I can't imagine how her husband or my parents feel. 
     I keep trying to figure out how to get my words down, but I am so raw and numb.  I am going through the motions each day, and it still hasn't set in that she is really gone.  She was such a beautiful soul.  You couldn't help but smile when you talked to her, even when you were mad at her.  She had this massive dimple that she would pull out and smile all day long at you until you cracked and smiled back.

 

She loved all of her nieces and nephews with all of her heart: Stephanie, BJ, Brandon, Destiny, Shelby, Dana, Caden, Lydia, JJ, Jeremiah, and Skyler. 

 

And boy oh boy, she could NOT wait to make Skyler as girly as possible.  She had visions of tutus and huge bows and sparkly nail polish.  And glitter and sequins.  And shoes.

 

     I just don't understand why she had to go.  I don't understand why it was her time, even though I know it was because God doesn't make mistakes.  I'm tired of hearing that Heaven gained another angel.  It's still too raw.  It still hurts entirely too much. 

     I am pushing on each day because my kids depend on me.  But at night, I am wide awake.  Looking at pictures.  Seeing facebook posts.  Every second I wish I could talk to her one last time or hug her a little harder.  She knew I loved her.  I made a point every time we talked to say I love you.  Because you just never know.

     It is absolutely not fair that she is gone.  She was my very first best friend.  I didn't fully appreciate that until we were older.  But as we aged from childhood to adulthood, we shared many late night conversations, many secrets, many heartfelt conversations. 

 

My thoughts are so scattered.  My heart is so heavy.  We will get through this together, you and I.  But the road ahead is as bumpy as it is long.  The days will be filled with sunshine and darkness.  And I ask that prayers abound for my entire family.

 

Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

 

Two Years Is A Long Time

     I want to start off by apologizing to everyone for neglecting this blog.  I ended with a *WHAM* and disappeared.  So much was happening.  So much IS happening.  I write blog posts every day...in my head.  And I think of all the creative ways I could tell about something.  But life happens faster than I am ready for.
     I shared the baby's name and sex in the last post (August 2012).  2012 was a blur, to be honest.  I remember bits and pieces.  I remember the beginning and end of the year far better than the middle.  I remember significant events like going to the wedding, the cabin, JJ getting hurt...but the blog had been used as my daily journal so that one day I could go back and remember.  People will tell me about something, and I stare blankly, and they say "it happened in 2012, remember?!"  No.  No I don't.  I don't know how the boys survived.  I don't know how they got fed.  I don't know how the laundry got done.  I don't know much of anything.  I remember sitting around.  Most days I would read.  Or watch Daughtry's video on repeat.  I barely wanted to leave the house.  And when I did, it felt like such a huge effort. 
     So, in August 2012, we added another family member:  Sandy, the 9 week old puppy.  The month was a blur taking care of the puppy:  potty training, vet appointments, and overall playing.  But I needed something to focus on.  Something to make me get out of bed and get off of the couch.  In September, my bestie and her family spent time at the beach, right down the road from us.  We went several days and swam and spent much needed time together. 
     Now if you remember, my cycles have been a bit wonky since JJ's birth.  And I had been given metformin to regulate my cycles.  July and August were right on time.  I battled nausea with the meds because they had to be taken on a full stomach.  For me anyway.  If I was the slightest bit hungry, I would get sick shortly after taking the meds.  In September, the nausea was unbelievable.  I finally told Hubs that I needed to take a pregnancy test.  Because the week before I was due for a cycle, the nausea was so bad that I could barely get out of bed the days that Hubs was home from work.  I took a test the day my cycle should have arrived (Sept. 18), and it was negative.  I waited a week (Sept. 25) and took another test.  Even though I was hoping, I was doubtful.  Imagine my surprise (and my tears) when it was positive!  Again I was terrified.  Again I was ecstatic.  But mostly I was terrified. 
     I took a video and sent it to Hubs.  Because he was at work.  And I just couldn't wait.  It was awful.  When he finally sent the text that he was on the way home, I waited a few minutes, knowing he would watch the video.  And sure enough, a few minutes later, he called.  We went to the OB the next day to have the pregnancy confirmed, and sure enough, I was pregnant. 
     I had told Hubs that we weren't telling ANYONE until after the first trimester.  Until we reached 18 weeks even.  And then Mom called and asked what was wrong.  And I told her nothing.  Then I cried when we hung up.  And we decided to tell our parents.  So I called her back and told her while Hubs called his parents.  We were terrified.  It was so hard to be happy when I was worried that any movement that I made would hurt the baby.  I had so much morning sickness (which we later found out was because of the metformin) that my clothes were hanging on me.  It worked because I was able to "hide" my pregnancy from everyone for much longer. 
     At approximately the same time in the pregnancy that we lost Jeremiah, I had my first appointment in Wilmington.  My blood pressure was skyrocketed.  We found out we were having a girl, and we already knew she would be Skyler Marie.  We shared with our siblings that we were expecting, then we went Facebook public.  The prayers and good thoughts that surrounded us the rest of the pregnancy were amazing.  And it seemed my body knew we were telling because my belly exploded outwards.  I started taking weekly pictures, and I remember my Mommy friends at the school laughing and saying that they had no idea I was expecting.  And then when they noticed my belly, they asked when I was due, and when I told them June, they couldn't believe that I was so far into my pregnancy already.  It was super nice to have people to talk to and to be able to talk about the pregnancy. 
     Amidst all the precautions and craziness of glucose testing and blood pressure monitoring, we grew a healthy baby girl.  She was born via C-section on June 5, 2013 (at 39 weeks gestation)...she was perfect in every way.  She weighed 8 pounds exactly and was 20 1/2 inches long. 
     This last year has had many ups and downs for us as a family.  But I look at my beautiful kids, my miracle baby, and I know that God has a plan for us.  I still haven't figured it out.  I still ache twice a year for the precious baby that I will never hold.  JJ knows that he has a brother named Jeremiah in Heaven.  This pregnancy was tough on him because he was scared to death.  Every day he asked if I was going to see the dr, and if I did, as soon as we got him from school, he wanted to know if the baby was ok.  He started asking questions that were hard to answer.  "Will this baby die like the last one?"  "Will we get to see this baby first?"  He had shut himself down and never talked about when we lost Jeremiah.  He never asked questions.  He just never talked about it after that initial weekend. 
     But boy did he have a lot of questions stored up.  We powered through the answers together.  He was able to go and hear the heartbeat after school one day.  That was the best.day.ever.  His face lit up, and his eyes filled with tears.  And once Skyler was kicking hard enough, he would just sit with his hand on my belly, waiting for confirmation that she was moving.
     He has been the best big brother.  And I knew he would be.  He adores his sister, and she adores him right back.  They play together and laugh together.  And she copies him endlessly. 
     God doesn't make mistakes.  All happens in His time, not ours.  He knew we needed her.  All of us, not just me.  Not just Hubs, and not just JJ.  All of us.  You, our family and friends.  We needed her to know that all was not lost.  To start healing.
      This last year has been amazing.  I'm only sorry that it took me so long to write about it, and that I didn't share more of it with you as it was happening!
       Let's fix that, shall we?

Gone Too Soon

I have finally returned and have almost survived the summer! It has been an emotional roller coaster. Let's play catch up...

In May, JJ took his karate test and passed to yellow belt! His test was the 14th, also Hubs' first day of work. Yay for a job!!! It was also the first day I had to be completely alone since February. It was a tough day. Kasey cat spent the day yowling and sounding like a baby which in turn caused my heart to clench. The 15th was our 8th wedding anniversary. We went to dinner as a family and enjoyed time together. I love my boys! I was also able to watch my oldest godbaby graduate from high school. Oh the wonders of technology! Being able to sit in MY living room at 11pm and watch his graduation in Alaska on the laptop. I totally cried! I am so proud of the amazing young man he continues to be. I spent the last week of May volunteering all day for JJ's class while they were camping. It did wonders for my heart to be surrounded by little ones. Memorial Day weekend we spent with my parents. Hubs had to work so JJ and I went early. Saturday we woke up and decided to go to the zoo. All JJ talked about was getting to see the elephants. We had a good day. It was hot, but it was good to be busy!

In June, JJ completed First Grade. We had a surprise birthday party for JJ at my mom's house. My bestie had just moved back to NC after living in Alaska for the past six years. Her kids and niece and nephew came over to swim with JJ. It was a complete success! My youngest god baby (9 at the time) sat in my lap and let me cuddle with her! Father's Day, we surprised Hubs with his own kindle. It was a good day! The next week was busy. We had dr appointments, JJ's actual birthday, and more appointments. My blood pressure was about the same; my platelets were 112k! My blood pressure meds were doubled. My dr and I discussed my cycles and how I had yet to have one since February (but in all fairness, I had been bleeding from February through May.). She did an internal exam, all was well, so we discussed options for next visit in six weeks. If I haven't had a cycle, she will give me some meds that will force bleeding. I was given a prescription for metphormin and told that it would help for pcos (which she still suspects me of having) and it couldn't hurt with my hemoglobin being elevated. (Earlier she had done blood work and called to let me know that I was pre-diabetic).

The week following, JJ and I drove to SC to spend several days in the mountains. We had such a great time for the most part. Except that our first full day, JJ fell down a mountain. He was pretty pitiful, but the girls were at his beck and call. We swam in a lake, went on boat rides, played in waterfalls, went to a fish hatchery and learned about the life cycle of rainbow trout. T even colored her face with a sharpie so that people would stare at her instead of JJ's tore up face. We threatened to have N and T kick people in the kneecaps if they said anything. C was able to spend the last few days, and I was super content: I had all of my babies with me! We learned that starting a new med and not going to bed on time cam make you a bit crazy...and hum henry the VIII...My week was over entirely too fast. :)

JJ and I left the cabin and headed to Georgia to pick up Molly. She spent the next ten days with us. We went to the aquarium and Golfin'Dolphin. We spent time with the sweet Landrum family. And then it was time for her to go home.

Then we had JJ's pediatric appointment. They are concerned about his weight, so we have to see a dietician.

We have a trip to Cocoa, Florida, so JJ and I spend the next week getting ready. We head to Fayetteville on the 24th of July. I am just feeling worn out. We have spent so much time staying busy to avoid thinking about the loss, and then here it is, whether I am ready or not. We leave with Momma and Anabel on the 25th.

My heart is heavy. Momma does her best to keep me busy-talking, alphabet game, talking...but in the back of my head my thoughts are swarming. Daughtry's song Gone Too Soon plays on repeat in my head.

"Today could've been the day
That you blow out your candles
Make a wish as you close your eyes
Today could've been the day
Everybody was laughing'
Instead I just sit here and cry.
Who would you be?
What would you look like
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life."

YouTube the video with lyrics. It is amazing. Tear jerking but amazing.

There were certain people we shared with first (our parents and siblings), but we shared the name. Part of the reason for taking so long was that I hadn't heard from everyone if they had gotten the news. I had wanted to share in the blog following the wedding, but we were unable to talk with Hubs parents like we had thought. Then the longer I put it off, the harder it was to write about. The next thing I knew, the whole summer was gone...

:sigh:

I still don't know if I am ready, but I need to do this...

Our Sweet Angel was a little boy. JJ was absolutely right that he had a brother on the way that he could share the secrets of life with. His name is Jeremiah Scott. We haven't told JJ the name OR the sex...we don't know how. Maybe we are afraid that Jeremiah will become one of his imaginary brothers. I am not ready for that. When the time is right, we will know,and that will be another hurdle that my sweet boys and I will cross together.

Roller Skates, Mother's Day, And A Bucket Of Frog Eggs

     We spent Friday getting ready to head to Momma's house.  We had decided that we were going to leave straight from school and come home sometime on Sunday.  I don't remember what we had run to walmart for, but as we were getting ready to check out, it hit me...Sunday was Mother's day.  In all the keeping busy, healing, moving on, whatever...I guess I had blocked the day in my mind and hadn't really planned to celebrate this year.  But we were going to be with Momma and Grandmutter, so I thought that was the best way for me.
     We got in on Friday and went to Brickoven for dinner.  JJ was wide open.  He was flirting with our waitress and everything.  Hubs, Momma, and I were cracking up laughing at him.  We spent a while just talking while we were eating our dinner...it was nice to visit and not be rushed or anything. 
     We had decided to take JJ to slow rollers at Round-A-Bout skating rink on Saturday.  You have never seen anyone so excited.  JJ woke up early on Saturday and was ready to go.  It was only 7am!!!  We finally got some breakfast in him, got him showered and dressed, and FINALLY...it was time to go.  Hubs and I were taking him, and Momma and Grandmutter were going to meet us for a late lunch. 
     Hubs and I get JJ in his skates, and he stands up.  As soon as he tries to move, he is all over the place.  Now, I haven't roller skated on a boot skate since probably 8th grade.  I haven't roller bladed since my first year of college, well over 10 years ago.  I was nervous about trying to skate and keep JJ from falling down.  Hubs and I helped him get a quarter of the way around the rink before he was ready to go sit down...and try skating on the carpet.  Hubs kept skating while JJ and I skated on the carpet.  I ended up taking my skates off because I couldn't balance myself AND keep JJ balanced.  I was able to go around with him twice on the rink.  It took forever, LOL.  We kept having to stop for him to rest.  Poor baby was wore out from just trying to stand up!!!  We ended up leaving earlier than we had planned because JJ was ready to go.  For his first time skating though, I was proud that he tried for at least an hour before wanting to take his skates off.  He did tell me that he wanted to try again sometime, just not that day.  We met Momma and Grandmutter for lunch at the Hibachi Grill.  JJ was pooped.  Hubs and I were pretty wore out as well.  My arms were sore from holding JJ up.  After lunch, we headed back to Grandmutter's to visit for a while, then headed back to Momma's.
     On Sunday, Momma had decided to take Grandmutter to breakfast at Golden Corral, so off we went :)  We had a nice time visiting together, then we were back at Momma's house.  I don't know why, but we ended up around the pool and noticed that there were frog eggs all over the place.  You may remember my facebook postings about JJ and the tadpoles.  JJ decided he wanted to try to raise the frogs all the way from birth.  He had just read one of his library books about the life cycle of the frogs, and he kept saying "look at all the frog spawn!!!"  So of course, I ask Momma for a bucket so we can try to grow some frogs....and she gets me one.  We scoop up several clusters of eggs and get a lid (with holes) on the bucket. 
     Sadly, the eggs did not survive the drive home, but we kept a bucket of water by our front door for several days so that JJ could make sure that the tadpoles were not going to hatch.  When he realized we were just growing mosquitoes, he let me dump the water out.
     JJ had a present for me when we got home...he had planted something for me at school.  He hands it to me in a Mason jar and says "Happy Mother's Day!  It's a sunflower!"  So I'm looking at the plant thinking "this is NOT a sunflower" when JJ says "Or maybe it's a carrot!  I don't know what it is!"  And I just couldn't stop laughing.  I still don't know what type of plant is growing, but there are 2 of them.  One is a leafy plant that has little white fuzz on the leaves, and the other are flowers that haven't matured yet, so I don't know what type of flowers they are going to be.
     Even though it wasn't on the top of my list of favorite holidays this year, I survived Mother's day.  I was able to spend the day with Momma and Grandmutter, Hubs, and JJ...and JJ as always, kept me smiling.
     I was sore from the roller skating (that I didn't really do, LOL), and I now have my roller blades at home
with me.  My new goal is to rebuild my confidence so that I can use my roller blades again and to help JJ learn how to skate!  Coming up:  First day alone and karate test!

Field Day, Pirates, and Full Moon

      The two weeks following the wedding were busy as usual.  That first week, Hubs and I were just plain wore out.  We are not as young as we used to be.  Staying up until after 1 for three nights in a row...and having to wake JJ up for school on Monday morning = exhausting.  We went to karate on Monday April 30.  This class and one more before his test on May 14th.  We are excited about karate.  We finally got to visit with JJ's friend at Subway.  We had been missing each other the last few Mondays.  We went to bed fairly early for us.  I think Hubs and I were in bed by 9:30pm.
     Tuesday, I napped on and off most of the day.  I was worried I would end up not sleeping because of how much I had slept.  We all went to bed early again. 
     Wednesday through Thursday, Hubs and I talked about a variety of things.  Behavior, grieving, adoption.  We talked about real estate, schooling, and jobs.  So much going on in our lives. 
     Friday, nasty weather was headed our way.  We were hoping it would pass quickly and we could see the moonrise because it was supposed to be the Super Moon.  No.  It was too nasty.  Then, when the rain stopped, it was too cloudy to even see the moon.  We were up late.  We went to bed after midnight, and when we turned the lights out, I could see the moon shining.  So I got back up and went out to look at the huge moon.  It was super bright, but it didn't look any bigger.  I was bummed yet again that I had missed the rise.
     Saturday, we had decided to take JJ to a Pirate Festival in the next town over.  We ate a big breakfast and then headed over.  Our (mine and Hubs) idea of a festival and what we actually went to...were not the same thing, LOL.  What we THOUGHT we were going to was something that had a ton of vendors, booths, games, and whatnot, all pirate themed.  What we went to was the Information center that had a band playing, a bounce house, a Liberty Tax booth, and a Marine Patrol Boat.  They had a balloon animal/face painting station.  And there was a group from Raleigh that did a "pirate" performance.  Overall, **I** was disappointed, but JJ had fun.  It got us out of the house for the day.  We arrived about 10:45 or so and left about 1:45pm.  We left there and went in search of something to eat for lunch.  We found a Michaelangelo's Pizza.  It was super yummy.  They had pizza slices bigger than JJ's head.  Hubs got a picture...I will have to post that later.     We got home, cooled off...I really can't tell you what filled those hours before dinner and movie time.  I probably played DrawSomething on the kindle fire.  (Have I mentioned how much I like that game??)  I really can't even tell you what we ate for dinner.  What I CAN tell you is that we watched Eclipse.  When it finished, JJ asked "When do we get the next movie so we can see Bella and Edward get married???"  He's such a Twilight junkie.  It makes me smile!  Saturday evening was full moon, and I was able to grab a picture.

     Sunday I know we were bums inside because it rained all day long. 
     Monday and Tuesday were a blur.  I only know that Monday was karate, and JJ's last class before he takes his yellow belt test!!!
     Wednesday was field day.  Such a fun day!!!  Hubs was able to go this year, and I think he may have been more excited than JJ about field day.  I only took pictures the first half of the day.  After lunch, it was drizzly, and they were doing water activities, so I left my camera in the car.

He is NOT the world's best hula-hooper.  He IS the world's cutest tryer :)

Concentrating really hard to get the beanbag all the way to Daddy

Rest time was their SECOND activity. 

Sharks and Minnows.  JJ was a minnow.

Parachute...I'm not exactly sure what he's doing here...but he was having fun.  That's all that matters, right?

FREEZE!  Doing the freeze dance during the dance station.  They also performed the Chicken Dance and the ChaCha slide.  :)

     After this, we broke for lunch.  Hubs and I headed to Subway.  While there, it started raining.  The sun came back out, we left,...and walked right into the rain.  We hadn't realized it was still raining, and I exclaim "Wow, the devil must be beatin' his wife today!"  Hubs looks at me over his shoulder and grins.  The sayings we grew up with, LOL...We get back to the school, and the kids are at their first station already.  We walk around with them, help them with their relays, and have a lot of fun.  At the final station, where the kids were blowing bubbles, the kids thought it would be A.W.E.S.O.M.E. to give Jonathan's Daddy a bubble bath.  They proceeded to use their bubble wands full of suds to rub up and down his arms and legs and cover him in bubbles.  Hubs would randomly proclaim "OH.  Thanks for my bubble bath."  Which would lead the kids into a chorus of giggles.  He's such a kid :wink:  and overall, he was a hit with the class!  We checked JJ out and headed home.  We get inside, and JJ says "I'm so tired.  Can I just put on my jammies and then do my homework?  I don't even want to go outside to play today!!!"  And that's exactly what he did.  He got his jammies on, I got my jammies on, and we sat on the couch and got him homework done.  We were all wore out!  The sun, exercise, sun, bubbles, sun...it was just tiring. 
     Thursday we got JJ off to school, and then Hubs and I ran some errands.  We dropped his car off at the mechanic; his ABS light had turned on, and then his check engine light came back on.  We had just had that fixed, so they were going to check that for us and check the brake system.  We had a few things to pick up before the weekend.  We also wanted to check on the bikes.  (JJ busted his tire right after Spring Break, so he has been without a bike.)  Off we head to walmart.  We found the size bike we needed, so we went ahead and picked it up.  It's an early birthday present because we didn't want him to wait over a month for a new bike when he had only been practicing without his training wheels for two weeks.  We got home, put it in the garage to surprise JJ, and waited around for the phone call for Hubs car.  I went to pick JJ up, and when I got home, Hubs had called to check on his car, and it was "next"...next???  BOOO.  We dropped his car off at 10:45,and it was after 3 at this point.  Our bad for waiting so long.  We do homework, JJ gets his hour of game time, and Hubs phone rings.  Turns out that "something" (we are assuming squirrel because we have a lot around here) chewed through his wiring and led his car to believe the ABS was out...which in turn led to the check engine light coming on.  They replaced the wiring, we had a good laugh, and it was time to let JJ know about the bike.  Hubs asked JJ if he wanted to go ride bikes together, and JJ got all sad and said "My bike is tore up, remember?  I busted out my tire by going too fast."  (it was so stinkin' cute!)  Hubs asked "Are you sure?  Let's look in the garage."  He opens the door, JJ pushes his way through, and there sits his awesome new bike.  He comes tearing back into the house hollering. "YAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY" and starts running in circles.  So.Funny.  He and Hubs ride their bikes for a while.  JJ exclaims that he will never play video games again because he will always want to ride his bike outside!!!!

While they were riding, I talked to Mommy to verify our plans for the weekend.  Hubs and I had decided to spend the last "job-free" weekend with Momma and Grandmutter.  Plus we were going to take JJ roller skating for the first time....

Bloody Noses, Clemson, and A Wedding

     Friday morning, April 27, we woke up super early.  We had packed the car the night before except for the hygiene stuff (toothbrushes, deodorant, etc), my camera, the computer...so we didn't have to rush around.  Hubs and I got showers and got dressed, and we waited as long as possible to wake JJ.  We had already decided that we were going to let him ride in his pj's to Richlands, and then we would let him get changed.  We all piled in the car, JJ turned on his DS, and we were off by 7:10am.  We hit a little bit of traffic on the way because of people going to work, but otherwise, had a fairly uneventful trip.  We made it to the Hardees (Grandpoppy's Hardees) in Richlands by about 7:45am.  We were meeting there to pick up Lydia, get JJ dressed, and have a quick breakfast.  We hoped to be back on the road by 8:30am.
     We ordered breakfast and wouldn't you know, they told us to have a seat, they would bring our food to us.  We get our drinks and find a table for the four of us to sit.  We waited for what felt like forever, then they called out from the front counter our order.  Hubs went to pick it up, and we chuckled at them "bringing it out to us."  We eat, the kids played the staring game...the blinking game...the quiet game...we finish and get loaded in the car about 8:45am.  Hubs and I had made sure that everyone had gone to the potty, so we were hopeful to make it to the SC welcome center before we made our first stop.
     JJ and Lydia both had their DS's, so they were set.  They were sharing games, showing shortcuts and secrets, even playing against each other.  Hubs and I talked, listened to the radio, and talked some more.  We made it to the welcome center with no other stops.  Everyone got out, made a trip to the bathroom, and stretched their legs.  Lydia had accidentally thrown her drink away at Hardees instead of getting a refill, so we got her a drink at the snack area.  And we piled back into the car.  Truthfully, the trip was uneventful.  We had planned to pick up lunch and eat lunch with Hubs' parents.  We had talked with them the night before to let them know, and when I called to give an update, I let them know our estimated arrival time "We should get there about 1:00pm, so we can pick lunch up with ya'll if you want."  "ok, that sounds good!"  We drive through Myrtle Beach and on down to Charleston.  I call to let them know we are there, and if they want us to bring them lunch...they had already eaten...so, off we go to find something for the kids to bring back to the church.  We finally find a Chick-Fil-A, go through the drive-thru, then turn back around to get to the church (where they are decorating for the Tailgate themed Rehearsal dinner, Clemson vs. Ohio State).  :)
     We set the kids up to the side so they can eat, and Hubs and I eat quickly.  I ask what I can do to help.  There were a few last minute decorating things...and getting napkins and plates out.  I got what I could set up while Momma Aleman got the pictures placed where she wanted.  Before we know it, it's time to head back over the Cooper River Bridge to the hotel.  We still had to check in.  We finally get checked in (after only a MINOR fiasco where they COULDN'T FIND MY RESERVATION!!!)  But after a few minutes and some searching, they found it.  It was reserved under another name, with a note that I would be the one checking in.  (I guess it made sense to the person who took my reservation two weeks earlier.)  We get our stuff in, get the kids changed (Lydia wanted to dress up, and JJ needed to get his Clemson orange on!)  Then Hub and I got in our Clemson colors, and it was time to go.  His younger brother's family were staying down the way from our room, so we all left at the same time:  Their 3, our 4, and Hubs parents.  We get downstairs and start loading in the car.  JJ and Hubs go off to one side; Lydia and I go to the other side.  I make sure Lydia is in, I open my door, and I hear something hit the ground, and JJ start crying.
     I run over to the driver's side of the car to find JJ on his knees holding his nose, and the passenger door of Hubs parent's van open.  I couldn't understand how the door was opened and hit him because they would have SEEN him.  I get JJ up, Hubs picks up the DS that had gone flying, and I tell JJ to move his hands.  Blood.All.Over.  So I holler "Does someone have a Kleenex?  His nose is bleeding!"  Momma Aleman hands me a Kleenex and keeps saying "I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry!"  I get JJ's face wiped up, and we get him in the car.  He's in the backseat whimpering, his nose is all red, and still bleeding.  I keep looking back to see if his nose looked crooked.  I end up handing him a napkin, and he says in a pitiful voice "Can I still play my DS?"  So I open my window and let Hubs brother know that JJ is fine, he still wants to play his DS.  On the way back to the church, I ask, "What happened?  Did Nana open the door and accidently hit you?"  He said "No!  I tripped over the hump and went to catch myself and hit my face on the door because it was still open.  It was an accident!!"  (The concrete hump thing at the front of the parking space.  When he stepped off of the sidewalk, somehow his foot landed between the sidewalk and the hump, and he tripped.)
     We get to the church.  I take JJ to the bathroom and get a wet paper towel to wash his face off.  I was trying to get all the dried blood from around his nose.  Thankfully none fell on his clothes!!!  I check his nose again, and it's not crooked, but he has a bruise forming on one side.  Poor kid.  Hubs takes JJ and Lydia off to the sanctuary for the rehearsal.  I stay in the activities building because I am not needed at the rehearsal, so Momma Aleman wanted me to get a few of the things ready that didn't need to sit out for very long.
     Hubs parents arrive, I tell them how JJ hit his nose, and get a list from Momma Aleman.  It had notes on the last few things that needed to be put out.  Off they go to the rehearsal, and I am alone in the big room, ready to put my decorating skills to use.  I look at the list, get what I need, and start arranging.  I set up a snack table, I decorated a table where the pizza would be, and basically just made sure that everything looked fun :)  I had some free time before the rehearsal finished, so I was able to take camera and get pictures of lots of stuff :)

Cornhole prizes.  Notice that we have a Clemson Team and an Ohio State team.  The Nutcracker is one of Momma Aleman's to add to the decorations.  (Many of the decorations came from Momma Aleman's Tiger Den or from their own tailgating supplies.  They are very proud Tiger fans!)

Groom's cake.  Groom is a Clemson graduate and was part of the Tiger Band. 

Cornhole, anyone?

Cornhole winners.  A good-lookin' bunch of Aleman males.

     The rehearsal dinner was a success.  We ate pizza and wings and had plenty of snacks.  We had a cornhole game, and the prizes were awarded to the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd on each team.  JJ and Hubs were both 2nd place, one for each side.  We  got back to the hotel super late, got the kids ready for bed, and it was after 1 when Hubs and I finally got in the bed.
     Saturday, we got up, got ready, and went to the Huddle house for breakfast.  We went as a large group: us, Hubs younger brother's family, and his parents.  It was hectic.  We finally all ate and headed back to the room to hang out a bit.  I had already showered and dressed, so I needed to get Lydia in the shower.  She finished, I dried her hair, and we packed a bag.  We were heading to the church early because she was getting her hair and makeup done.  I had to bring both of our dresses, makeup, and comfy clothes to change into afterwards for the reception.
     The wedding was beautiful.  I cried.  I had a front row seat along with the three flower girls and their Mommies. 

Hubs escorting his Momma.  He cleans up well, doncha' think?

Handsome Aleman males :)   This is the first time I've seen JJ since Lydia and I got to church.  I think my tears started here...

Beautiful Lydia walking down the aisle...she was a jr. bridesmaid.

Beautiful bride and her Daddy.

     After the Bride walked down the aisle, I put my camera down so that I could watch the wedding and cry.  (I had remembered to pack Kleenex in my purse!)  Afterwards, we hung around for group photos.  We ended up back at the hotel before the reception because the boys forgot their change of clothes.  It worked out because we were all able to use the bathroom.  Then we got the kids changed and left their wedding clothes in the hotel room, and Hubs and I packed our change of clothes back in the bag.  Off we head to the reception at Folly Beach.
     The beach house was beautiful.  The decorations were elegant.  The food was awesome!  We sat on the deck and enjoyed eating.  The kids wanted to head down the beach, so Auntie K and I took the three kids down to the beach.

The cousins :)  Lydia-10, JJ-6 1/2, LilyAnn-3 1/2

Bride and her Boys :)

Hubs, Momma Aleman, Groom(Uncle C), Younger Brother (Uncle P)
     I didn't take as many pictures as I would have liked.  We didn't stay til the end of the reception.  We had to leave early because I don't give rewards for attitude.  Once back at the hotel room, things were fine.  The kids snuggled up together, and Lydia read to JJ from the book we had given her.
     The next day (Sunday), we headed back out to the beach house for a brunch.  Again, the food was awesome.  We were able to visit a while.  We even had a complete family picture made.

Our growing family!!!  Thanks to Auntie M's Momma for this picture!!!

     We visited a bit longer;  I had a wonderful time getting to know Auntie M's Momma.  We said our good-byes and headed up the street to visit Uncle Jack and Aunt Doris.  We only visited a few minutes.  Uncle Jack was tired.  He looked tired.  But we were thankful for the visit because it had been a while since Hubs had been able to see them.
     We loaded up in the car and drove for a bit before stopping to order some lunch to go.  We ate in the car.  The kids did awesome.  We stopped for gas and bathrooms.  We got the kids a snack.  We drove the rest of the way in.  Now, we didn't leave Folly Beach until almost 4.  We didn't drop Lydia off in Richlands until 8:45pm, and we didn't get home until 9:15pm. 
     It was a rush to get everything in, get JJ some dinner, and then ready for bed.  He didn't fuss at all.  He went right to bed and was asleep in a few minutes.
     It was a super busy weekend.  Stress in some parts, but mostly a fun time.  Hubs and I never got an alone minute with his parents, so I was kinda bummed about that....but only because we had brought the memory box and wanted to share that...along with the baby's name.  I had told Hubs that I had wanted to share the sex and name in the coming weeks on the blog...

Emotional Breakdown

     What a busy time we have had.  As you know, or maybe not, I've been dealing with emotions that I thought were under control.  I didn't realize the emotions weren't under control until we received the news during Spring Break, and then I just started having a hard time "dealing."  I started feeling major anxiety about the coming weekend (Hubs oldest brother got married in Charleston on the 28th).  We would be seeing a TON of family all at once, and I was having a hard time processing all of that.  I was getting touchy.  I felt like Hubs and I were fighting over s.t.u.p.i.d. things.  I just wanted to spend a day curled in bed, so I could mope, cry...whatever...get it out of my system before I saw everyone.
     Hubs had a meeting on Monday the 23rd during karate time, so JJ and I went to Subway and Karate alone.  (I couldn't spend the day being a bum because I had to be dressed and showered to take JJ.)  Karate was at a different school, so we got there, and only a handful of kids were there.  We were a bit early, and Monday was a COLD evening....mid 30's overnight.  It was already getting cold, and smart Mom that I am, I didn't bring a jacket for myself.  The people who take the weekly payments weren't there, so I went on in with JJ and decided to just stay in until the people arrived.  Karate starts at 6pm.  The Marine helper came in about 10 til and started the class.  I haven't been able to watch class since the first month because parents aren't supposed to stay and watch.  The kids were cute doing all of their warm ups, especially the push ups.  I couldn't stop giggling.  Then they were reviewing.  They have been learning about Stranger Danger and what to do is a stranger tries to snatch them.  They kick the person as hard as they can in the knees, yank their arms in a circular motion, and yell STRANGER.  So, the Marine helper goes around to each child and has them practice the move to show that they DO know what must be done (without really kicking him, of course.)...and while I am standing there watching these kids, my eyes start to feel with tears, and I feel like I am about to break down watching them do Stranger Danger....Really?  I go back to the hallway, and thankfully someone has come in with the cash box, and they get a paper started for signing in, and a line forms.  I get in line, sign JJ in, pay, and go outside (where the breeze is pretty cold) and stand a few minutes.  It's about 6:20 by this point, and karate ends at 6:45.  I decided to go on to the car and text Momma.  I end up calling her, and we talk a few minutes...I tell her that I just needed to talk a few minutes because watching the kids and my hormones were not mixing well that night.  Monday finishes with no more excitement.  I tell Hubs about my hormones, and we talk about JJ's appointment the next day with his allergist.
     Tuesday the 24th was a day I was partially dreading.  Three weeks prior, JJ had been to the allergist, saw Mr. Main Guy and was told not to have any milk, cheese, or school lunches.  We had been following that for 3 weeks.  I wasn't comfortable giving him the calcium supplement instead of his multivitamin, but we decided we would do that for the three weeks, and then go back to the multivitamin.  We also bought JJ soy milk so that he could have cereal in the mornings (multi grain cheerios or shredded wheat)...I don't keep sugary cereals.  I packed his lunch.  We had increased his inhaler for those few days.  There was definitely a noticeable difference in the congestion.  JJ and I go to the appointment; Hubs had another interview in Greenville.  We were called back pretty quickly.  His appointment was at 8:15, and we were the first people there.  They do height and weight, but nothing is said.  The nurse asks me if anything has changed in the three weeks, and I tell her that we had followed a strict no milk/cheese diet.  She asks why, and I tell her that Mr. Main Guy had told us to.  She was all "oh."  We go back to the dr.  We see Mr. Nice Guy, the dr that we usually deal with.  He listens to JJ's chest/lungs and tells him that he sounds awesome.  He checks his ears, and JJ has some fluid behind one of his eardrums, but it was not infected.  Mr. Nice Guy goes over how to spray the flonase and the Ocean spray because doing those wrong can cause fluid build up.  We also have to make sure that JJ does the yawning motion several times a day.  Nothing was mentioned about his weight or his diet.  I guess Mr. Main Guy neglected to let everyone else know his orders.  We go back in six months, end of October.  From there, I took JJ to McDonald's to get a quick breakfast, and then I took him on to school.
     I had already decided that since Hubs would be out of town for most of the day, I would go get my hair cut, colored, and eyebrows done.  After dropping JJ off, I headed to walmart.  I first went to the pharmacy to put in refills for his emergency inhaler, and then I went to the hair salon.  There was no one in there, so they took me right back.  The girl who took care of me had such an awesome personality.  We talked about everything...I do mean everything.  Hubs getting out of the military, looking for a job...being pregnant...losing the baby...anxiety over the coming weekend...We used several kleenexes while talking.  But I felt better just getting it out to someone who wasn't involved (if that makes any sense)...She did an all over color in my natural brown to cover the grey, then she put in neutral caramel highlights that would look more natural as my hair grew out.  She yanked out my eyebrows; thankfully I had warned her about how red my face would get.  She trimmed the ends of my hair and added some layers.  I am still trying to grow my hair out, but it needed some sort of shape.  When all was said and done, I had spent about four hours in the hair salon!  I was hooked up with all sorts of free samples and sent on my merry way.  I headed to the pharmacy to pick up the inhaler, then I headed home.  I decided to put on some makeup since my hair was all cute, then it was time to head to pick up JJ.

Got home with JJ and started on his homework.  I heard Hubs pull in the driveway, and I told JJ that Daddy was home.  We both rushed outside to welcome him back in :)  Hubs was like "what's going on?"  JJ was all "We missed you so much, Daddy!!"  :)  Love that kid!

(insert a GRRRR here.  I had typed a WHOLE STUPID LONG ENTRY and it didn't save.)  So, I am going to attempt to re-write, but I am super upset.  It was emotionally draining the first time around :sigh:  I am only going to write up to Thursday, and then I will write about the wedding in another entry.  :sigh:  Yes.  Hormones are not making me very happy right now. 
 
     Wednesday, I ended up having an emotional breakdown.  It didn't start out as such, but when Hubs and I finally talked, everything just came out.  I was angry that the news had been shared, I was angry with my reaction to the news.  I had thought I was doing much better, but then I felt like I was back at square one.  I hate crying because it doesn't make me feel any better, and if it did, I would take a week, hole up and do nothing but cry to get it over with...but I feel worse after crying.  My head hurts, my eyes are swollen and scratchy.  Just a mess.  I was feeling anxious about seeing our family during the weekend.
     Thursday, I had a dr appointment.  We took JJ to school and then headed to the dr.  My OB is awesome, and we talked about my blood pressure that was elevated.  I told her about my emotional breakdown the day before, my anxiety about seeing the family, the news that had been shared.  I cried.  She gave me a kleenex and told me that my responses were completely normal.  She told me that unfortunately my journey would not be straight up hill and full of only highs...that I would hit some bumps and there would be lows as well.  She told me that she had seen me 2 weeks after our loss and that she was amazed at the strength I had shown and that at only 9 weeks post partum, I was doing amazing.  She knew that I would put one foot in front of the other this weekend and do what needed to be done to move forward.

**I am going to post now.  I am so disgusted that my entry was lost in cyber space.  The only part that saved was before the GRRR...I had been writing for about 2 hours to get everything caught up, and my details for Wednesday and Thursday were MUCH longer....but again, it was emotionally draining to write the first time, talking about my hurt, my confusion...the anger, and the pain...:sigh:  I just couldn't do it again, but I hope with what I wrote, you are able to understand.  I still hurt.  I still cry.  I'm human.