Emotional Breakdown

     What a busy time we have had.  As you know, or maybe not, I've been dealing with emotions that I thought were under control.  I didn't realize the emotions weren't under control until we received the news during Spring Break, and then I just started having a hard time "dealing."  I started feeling major anxiety about the coming weekend (Hubs oldest brother got married in Charleston on the 28th).  We would be seeing a TON of family all at once, and I was having a hard time processing all of that.  I was getting touchy.  I felt like Hubs and I were fighting over s.t.u.p.i.d. things.  I just wanted to spend a day curled in bed, so I could mope, cry...whatever...get it out of my system before I saw everyone.
     Hubs had a meeting on Monday the 23rd during karate time, so JJ and I went to Subway and Karate alone.  (I couldn't spend the day being a bum because I had to be dressed and showered to take JJ.)  Karate was at a different school, so we got there, and only a handful of kids were there.  We were a bit early, and Monday was a COLD evening....mid 30's overnight.  It was already getting cold, and smart Mom that I am, I didn't bring a jacket for myself.  The people who take the weekly payments weren't there, so I went on in with JJ and decided to just stay in until the people arrived.  Karate starts at 6pm.  The Marine helper came in about 10 til and started the class.  I haven't been able to watch class since the first month because parents aren't supposed to stay and watch.  The kids were cute doing all of their warm ups, especially the push ups.  I couldn't stop giggling.  Then they were reviewing.  They have been learning about Stranger Danger and what to do is a stranger tries to snatch them.  They kick the person as hard as they can in the knees, yank their arms in a circular motion, and yell STRANGER.  So, the Marine helper goes around to each child and has them practice the move to show that they DO know what must be done (without really kicking him, of course.)...and while I am standing there watching these kids, my eyes start to feel with tears, and I feel like I am about to break down watching them do Stranger Danger....Really?  I go back to the hallway, and thankfully someone has come in with the cash box, and they get a paper started for signing in, and a line forms.  I get in line, sign JJ in, pay, and go outside (where the breeze is pretty cold) and stand a few minutes.  It's about 6:20 by this point, and karate ends at 6:45.  I decided to go on to the car and text Momma.  I end up calling her, and we talk a few minutes...I tell her that I just needed to talk a few minutes because watching the kids and my hormones were not mixing well that night.  Monday finishes with no more excitement.  I tell Hubs about my hormones, and we talk about JJ's appointment the next day with his allergist.
     Tuesday the 24th was a day I was partially dreading.  Three weeks prior, JJ had been to the allergist, saw Mr. Main Guy and was told not to have any milk, cheese, or school lunches.  We had been following that for 3 weeks.  I wasn't comfortable giving him the calcium supplement instead of his multivitamin, but we decided we would do that for the three weeks, and then go back to the multivitamin.  We also bought JJ soy milk so that he could have cereal in the mornings (multi grain cheerios or shredded wheat)...I don't keep sugary cereals.  I packed his lunch.  We had increased his inhaler for those few days.  There was definitely a noticeable difference in the congestion.  JJ and I go to the appointment; Hubs had another interview in Greenville.  We were called back pretty quickly.  His appointment was at 8:15, and we were the first people there.  They do height and weight, but nothing is said.  The nurse asks me if anything has changed in the three weeks, and I tell her that we had followed a strict no milk/cheese diet.  She asks why, and I tell her that Mr. Main Guy had told us to.  She was all "oh."  We go back to the dr.  We see Mr. Nice Guy, the dr that we usually deal with.  He listens to JJ's chest/lungs and tells him that he sounds awesome.  He checks his ears, and JJ has some fluid behind one of his eardrums, but it was not infected.  Mr. Nice Guy goes over how to spray the flonase and the Ocean spray because doing those wrong can cause fluid build up.  We also have to make sure that JJ does the yawning motion several times a day.  Nothing was mentioned about his weight or his diet.  I guess Mr. Main Guy neglected to let everyone else know his orders.  We go back in six months, end of October.  From there, I took JJ to McDonald's to get a quick breakfast, and then I took him on to school.
     I had already decided that since Hubs would be out of town for most of the day, I would go get my hair cut, colored, and eyebrows done.  After dropping JJ off, I headed to walmart.  I first went to the pharmacy to put in refills for his emergency inhaler, and then I went to the hair salon.  There was no one in there, so they took me right back.  The girl who took care of me had such an awesome personality.  We talked about everything...I do mean everything.  Hubs getting out of the military, looking for a job...being pregnant...losing the baby...anxiety over the coming weekend...We used several kleenexes while talking.  But I felt better just getting it out to someone who wasn't involved (if that makes any sense)...She did an all over color in my natural brown to cover the grey, then she put in neutral caramel highlights that would look more natural as my hair grew out.  She yanked out my eyebrows; thankfully I had warned her about how red my face would get.  She trimmed the ends of my hair and added some layers.  I am still trying to grow my hair out, but it needed some sort of shape.  When all was said and done, I had spent about four hours in the hair salon!  I was hooked up with all sorts of free samples and sent on my merry way.  I headed to the pharmacy to pick up the inhaler, then I headed home.  I decided to put on some makeup since my hair was all cute, then it was time to head to pick up JJ.

Got home with JJ and started on his homework.  I heard Hubs pull in the driveway, and I told JJ that Daddy was home.  We both rushed outside to welcome him back in :)  Hubs was like "what's going on?"  JJ was all "We missed you so much, Daddy!!"  :)  Love that kid!

(insert a GRRRR here.  I had typed a WHOLE STUPID LONG ENTRY and it didn't save.)  So, I am going to attempt to re-write, but I am super upset.  It was emotionally draining the first time around :sigh:  I am only going to write up to Thursday, and then I will write about the wedding in another entry.  :sigh:  Yes.  Hormones are not making me very happy right now. 
 
     Wednesday, I ended up having an emotional breakdown.  It didn't start out as such, but when Hubs and I finally talked, everything just came out.  I was angry that the news had been shared, I was angry with my reaction to the news.  I had thought I was doing much better, but then I felt like I was back at square one.  I hate crying because it doesn't make me feel any better, and if it did, I would take a week, hole up and do nothing but cry to get it over with...but I feel worse after crying.  My head hurts, my eyes are swollen and scratchy.  Just a mess.  I was feeling anxious about seeing our family during the weekend.
     Thursday, I had a dr appointment.  We took JJ to school and then headed to the dr.  My OB is awesome, and we talked about my blood pressure that was elevated.  I told her about my emotional breakdown the day before, my anxiety about seeing the family, the news that had been shared.  I cried.  She gave me a kleenex and told me that my responses were completely normal.  She told me that unfortunately my journey would not be straight up hill and full of only highs...that I would hit some bumps and there would be lows as well.  She told me that she had seen me 2 weeks after our loss and that she was amazed at the strength I had shown and that at only 9 weeks post partum, I was doing amazing.  She knew that I would put one foot in front of the other this weekend and do what needed to be done to move forward.

**I am going to post now.  I am so disgusted that my entry was lost in cyber space.  The only part that saved was before the GRRR...I had been writing for about 2 hours to get everything caught up, and my details for Wednesday and Thursday were MUCH longer....but again, it was emotionally draining to write the first time, talking about my hurt, my confusion...the anger, and the pain...:sigh:  I just couldn't do it again, but I hope with what I wrote, you are able to understand.  I still hurt.  I still cry.  I'm human.