It Takes A Leap Of Faith

Happy Leap Day!

Random facts in no particular order:

1.  Phantom kicking is very real.  I've been feeling kicks and flutters the last few days.  It makes me wonder if that was why I didn't notice sooner that something was wrong?  I can't imagine losing a limb and having the aches and pains that I've always heard were associated.  How long will this last?  Come July, will this morph into phantom crying?

2.  Having to wear nursing pads when you won't get the chance to nurse stinks beyond belief.  The leaking hasn't been astronomical, but today getting out of the car, I had a total let-down feeling...complete with the tingles that I got every time that JJ nursed.  Or the one time that I heard a baby cry, and I was in a waiting room without a jacket.  THAT was a fun time (not!)  I wasn't even around a baby.  We had been in the car, driving from the library to Walmart to buy JJ some "short" socks.  We were listening to Breaking Dawn, once again.  (I think we finally made it to disc 7!)  And as I was getting out of the car, I let-down.  Nothing like eww gross, just uncomfortable because it made my heart ache.

3.  JJ's donations totaled $285!  I know I've said it, but I'll say it again.  Thank ya'll from the bottom of my heart for supporting and encouraging him!  He was so happy to turn in his donation form, and his teacher thanked us when we picked him up and handed her the reprinted donation form.  She thought it was awesome that people were still wanting to donate!

4.  I received a most amazing gift in the mail today.  Thank you, Lovey!  It is called Joy for a Woman's Soul: Promises to Refresh Your Spirit.  I flipped through right fast, looked at the Table of Contents, and "Promises About Trusting Through Tears" caught my eye.  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." ~Proverbs 3:5-6   I will probably share a random verse or quote from the book each day.  I am positive that this will help rebuild my spirit.  Again, thank you, Lovey!  I love you so much!!

5.  I enjoy spending my allowance on video game stuff.  LOL.  Yes, I just said that.  I've used it to buy extra Wii remotes (we now have four:  black, white, blue, and pink.)  I've used it to buy games:  Family Game Night 2 & 3 combo pack, Epic Mickey, and Super Mario Galaxy.  I even bought an extra steering wheel because it was super cool and Nerf :)  JJ is currently playing Super Mario Galaxy; I can't wait to play Epic Mickey!

     I had a fabulous talk with my Mommy this morning.  Yes, I admit...I'm 32 years old, and I still call my momma "Mommy."  Don't hate.  You know that secretly, you still do the same.  She called to check in; it's the first time we've talked since Saturday evening when she made it back home (probably a record for us!)  We usually talk at least once a day.  Sometimes multiple times a day.  We talked about some things...one of them was my writing the blog and how she hoped it was helping me. 
     It's soon still, but I really think it IS helping.  I don't feel any unresolved anger or bitterness.  I'm not having to repeat things over and over.  And please, if you have questions, send me a text, leave a comment, or send me a private email or facebook message.  I will answer your question or questions in the next blog.  :)
     I am still working on that 1000 piece puzzle that I dumped on the table.  I finally got all of the edges done, but it still looks like I'm working it from the bottom up.  I'm okay with that.  It was kinda liberating to just dump all the pieces out and work haphazardly.  It was rather therapeutic. 
     The Pacifier is on ABC Family tonight.  One of my favorite movies.  I just can't help but laugh most of the way through.  Hubs is awesome and when he saw it on, he changed the channel just for me.
     JJ has been complaining that his tummy hurts.  It's not tender to the touch; I think it's a bathroom issue.  I don't know if he's suffering from an upset tummy like I have...Please say a prayer for him.  It bugs me to no end when I can't make him feel better.  He has no fever, and he's been able to eat.  He just told us that his tummy was hurting him all day.  I suspect gas (we even had a whole conversation on passing gas tonight and why it was important for you to pass gas so that it doesn't build up and make you hurt.)  It brought to mind my 8th grade science teacher, Mr. Hovenkotter...and him asking during a study session before a test "Why do you fart, and why is it good for you?" 
     Momma asked how I was earlier, and I told her "I'm fine.  My boys are goofy and keep me laughing and smiling.  You can't really be sad for too long around them!"  I thank God everyday for my blessings, and my two biggest blessings are Hubs and JJ.

Tuesday's Gone With The Wind

     There is a lot I left out of the last week.  It came to me later.  We've received two beautiful flower arrangements (I have pictures; I will get them posted...PROMISE!)  We've received several cards.  I can't speak for Hubs, but I have personally received several personal emails from not only family but amazing friends.  Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your kind words and prayers, words of encouragement and your love.  I WILL respond to those that have written and sent private messages.  I've just been trying to catch up on the blog so that we were current, not a week behind.
     Today went well.  Hubs and I decided to go to lunch.  I took a shower (and I didn't cry!); we went to Golden Corral (you'll probably hear a lot about GC :smiles:  It's right up the road from us, and I really don't have the strength to say no to my boys when they gang up on me.  Today *I* suggested we go.)  It seemed that everyone around me was pregnant today.  That didn't upset me as badly as I thought it would.
     I truly believe, all things considered, we are ok.  Hubs and I know that we are going to try again; I don't know how long we will wait before we start trying.  We've decided that we will wait until Hubs has a job, and we are able to have benefits.
     After lunch, we had to go to Staples to get a print cartridge (so I can print out the donation form in the morning!)  Again, I have to say thank you to EVERYONE for supporting JJ in the jumprope for heart campaign.  His total as of right now:  $215!!!  I will let everyone know tomorrow what the final total is.  I do have to say:  JJ is so excited.  He couldn't believe that so many people (even people he's never met) gave money to help him reach his goal :) 
     We took JJ to Sonic to play and for Happy Hour.  He loved his surprise.  We stayed about an hour and then headed home because he still had homework.  Homework was done quickly.  Hubs cooked dinner (AND he cleaned the bathroom today...Have I mentioned how much I love him???)  We watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. 
     I can't help but glance at my closet mirror every time I come out of the bathroom.  I don't know how I feel anymore, seeing myself looking like I was never pregnant.  Our beautiful memory box stares at me, day in and day out.  I've seen everything in it except the pictures.  I'm not ready.  Perhaps I'll share photos one day of the box and the other memories that are inside.
     I've been asked if I am going to share the sex of the baby in the blog.  I will.  I don't know when; I'm just not ready for that step yet.  Maybe in a few months. 
     Earlier I wondered if a day would go by that my heart didn't feel like it was breaking; right now, I feel fine.  Hubs and I were laughing and honestly have no idea how it came about, but I started singing the theme song from Reading Rainbow.  "Butterfly in the sky.  I can fly twice as high." 
     I guess today wasn't very interesting.  I'll take boring though.  This last week has been hard.  I know I'm not the only person that has ever lost a baby, and I know I won't be the last.  It doesn't make it hurt any less...

Rainy Days and Mondays

always bring me down.

     So we began another week.  Has it really only been a week since Baby Aleman was delivered?  Apparently so...and life in the Aleman household continues on.  After being a hermit for the weekend, (I mean seriously; I spent almost my entire weekend in front of the computer typing away on the blog...in my pajamas that I put on Friday night, and I didn't shower.  I finally MADE myself shower Sunday night...)...but anyhow...after being a hermit, on Monday, I decided I couldn't just sit here and stalk my blog.  I couldn't stay in my jammies all day (again).  I needed to at least feel as if I were having a productive day.
     I posted this quote to my Facebook status:    Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.  -- Tori Amos
         I took another shower (and I just took a shower...I didn't cry this time; it made me feel like I was progressing), and I got dressed in a t-shirt and jeans.  I only have one pair of jeans that semi-fit.  I had bought two pairs of jeans in November (and I didn't know I was pregnant), so I was bummed because I had thought I was gaining weight and had to buy a larger size that was comfortable across my tummy.  I tried to wear a pair of those jeans on Thursday, and they are so huge on me now.  The one pair that fits, will only fit right after being in the dryer because the material is stretchy...after a full day of wearing them, I'm constantly pulling my jeans up.  Thankfully, I only bought two new maternity shirts, and I had been wearing two others from my pregnancy with JJ.  They will all be packed away soon.  My t shirts and other shirts still fit.
     I went with Hubs to pick JJ up from school.  It felt strange to be doing such normal things.  We talked a bit, listened to Breaking Dawn, and then he went to get JJ.  JJ was pretty happy that we were both there to pick him up from school.  It made me realize that small things make a huge impact on a 6 year old.  I hadn't gone with Hubs for a while to pick JJ up from school.  (Before any of this happened.)
     We got home, I started the next part of the blog, and Hubs and JJ started homework.  Monday is karate night, and we always go to Subway for dinner on karate night.  At 4:30pm, we packed up and headed for Subway.  We ordered; the guy working was hilarious.  He was talking with a fake Russian accent and had us cracking up.  As we sat eating, a lady walked in with two small children...maybe 4 and 3...a boy and a girl.  I had my first feeling of anger.  I wasn't angry that she had two kids, and I didn't.  I was angry at how she was treating her two kids.  The kids were young and obviously excited about being "out to eat" and kept asking questions "Mommy, can I have this to drink?" pointing at the Orange Fanta.  "Mommy, can we sit here?" pointing at a table that had one red chair.  Instead of speaking kindly to her children, she yanked them over to the table and told them to sit down and shut up.  Now, I will be the first to admit; I do not know the circumstances.  I don't know what kind of day this lady has had.  I do not know if 15 minutes before her kids were screaming their heads off as she was driving down the road.  I do know that my heart clenched, and I could feel the anger coursing through my body.  The little girl said "Mommy..." and before she could say anything else, the mom snapped "I told you to sit down and shut up."  She completely ignored them the rest of the time that she was in the line.  I sent JJ to the restroom to wash his hands and his face after he had finished his meatball sub, and I told Hubs it was time to go.
     We drove JJ to karate (in the nasty weather), bought a karate manual, and then headed to get gas.  At the gas station, I decided I needed to pee; unfortunately, the Sam's club gas station doesn't have a potty, so we went to Cracker Barrel to borrow the potty.  We made it back to karate and had about 15 minutes of Breaking Dawn listening time.  We finished disc 5 of 16. 
     JJ came out of karate so excited about his class.  We got home, and JJ got ready for bed.  He had a snack, Hubs and I ate our subs since we didn't have time while he was in his karate class.  We watched The Voice...laughed at the judges...especially Cee lo's evil looking white cat (have YOU seen that cat?  It looks like the cat that tried to take over  the world in Cat and Dogs or whatever that movie was called.)
     Hubs finished up with school work and headed to bed;  I checked emails one last time.  Sleep arrived a lot sooner than I thought it would...
      I feel like my writing has helped.  I haven't proofed any of my writing; I have used spell check.  I will probably go back later and re-read and make changes as needed.  I won't add any new content; just check that I wrote no instead of know, etc.

The Rest Of The Week

     We were in the hospital until Wednesday afternoon.  It felt like so much longer.  So many things happened during that time.  Tuesday morning, my platelet count had dropped from 35k to 29k.  A normal platelet count in a healthy adult is between 150k and 450k.  (Just to give you an idea why they were so concerned about my platelet counts.)  Platelets are what help your blood clot.
     The OB's weren't sure if the hemotologist would want to give me a steroid shot to boost my counts or just let them be.  Tuesday, we waited around most of the day because we were told me had to wait for a consult visit with the hemotologist.  No one came in to give us any updates; finally around 3:30pm, I asked the nurse on duty, and she apologized that no one had given us an update.  She said that the hemotologist on call didn't accept our insurance, and they had to contact another hemotologist that DID accept our insurance, and that we would be staying another night.
     I should back up a bit.  I believe it was Monday evening, Hubs decided that he wanted to see the baby.  He spoke with Robyn, and she brought the baby to an empty "quiet" room;  she went with him to make sure that he would be ok.  I stayed in the room because I knew that I wouldn't be okay if I saw our child like this.  I prayed the entire time that Hubs was gone.  I prayed for his strength and his peace of mind.  I prayed that it would help his heart begin healing to say hello and goodbye.  I prayed that Baby Aleman would look like a baby, not a lump, not disfigured in any way.  I knew that Liz had said that the baby had taken on some fluids, and I didn't want that to haunt his dreams forever.  I even asked for forgiveness that I wasn't strong enough to go with him to view the baby.  I thanked God for assuring me that ** was in His arms and safe now.  I still hadn't told Hubs that the baby had a name;  up until we found out the sex, we called the baby "Baby Aleman" and I was adament that I didn't want to know the sex because I didn't want to give Baby Aleman a name. 
     When Hubs returned, he sat down and  talked with me about what he had seen.  He said the baby was VERY developed.  You could see the little bump of a nose and the mouth; little hands and little feet.  He brought a baby bracelet that Gail had made that said Baby Aleman (because she remembered that we hadn't named the baby anything besides that yet.)  She had an envelope set up near the baby that had the photos enclosed, along with a little card that had hand prints and foot prints.  He said that the display (if that's even the right word) was done very nice.  The baby was swaddled, and there was a tiny pillow near the head.  There were blankets surrounding the body, and a small rattle.  The "Baby Aleman" bracelet was near the foot of the crib with the photos and prints.  Hubs did say the baby was tiny, and that even though you could tell that some fluid had taken on, you could tell you were looking at a baby, not just a lump.  He said "The baby looked peaceful...like I was seeing a sleeping baby."  Of course, I cried while he told me this.  I wanted to know;  I needed to know without looking for myself.  Hubs told me he did ask Robyn the sex of the baby because Liz hadn't been sure, and Gail had told us her opinion.  Robyn told us that a team of drs and nurses had viewed the baby and all came to the same conclusion;  what Gail had told us...which I already knew because God had assured me. 
     I'm not gonna lie;  it still hurt to know.  I can't say I would have said any different, that I would have wanted to know.  It still makes me think of all we are going to miss out on.  The laughs, the smiles...the growth spurts and the love.  I do know that for me, I made the right decision in not viewing Baby Aleman.  I assured Hubs that his decision was just that...HIS decision, and that just because *I* didn't want to see the baby this way, that didn't mean he couldn't see the baby.  I think it was very good for his heart, so that he wouldn't always be wondering.  I know that I have pictures to look at, when I am ready.
     We were glad that Momma and Grandmutter were able to be at our house with JJ; that was one less worry for us.  We spent the day watching Animal Planet.  We shared our meals.  My stomach was still upset;  I tried to eat as much as I could, but it wasn't very much.  I sent Hubs to get him a "real" meal.  I knew sharing food from my plate wasn't helping him out. 
     Gail had brought us the memory box;  every time I was alone in the room, I stared at it.  I kept trying to decide if I was ready to look inside.  I decided that I would know when I was ready, and I wouldn't have to ask myself.
     I was able to take a shower on Tuesday.  It wasn't the best shower, I was almost too tall to stand under the shower (imagine that!), but it felt good to scrub my body.  Drying off, I made a heart wrenching discovery.  My body had yet to receive the memo that the pregnancy had not gone well; my milk was coming in.  Thankfully, on Monday, I had been warned that this was a possibility, so I wasn't surprised...just saddened.  As if I didn't have enough to get through, I had this reminder that Baby Aleman would never latch on and nurse.
     Wednesday morning, my platelet count was back up to 45k.  This was A.W.E.S.O.M.E. news.  We just knew we would be cleared and able to head home that morning.  But that would be too easy.  We still had to wait for a consult visit from the hemotologist.  Right before lunch, the nurse came in and told us that she had called the hemotologist's office and told him that our discharge was depedent upon a visit from him.  She told us to order lunch and that the visit would hopefully be shortly after.  Hubs had planned to go get lunch, but we decided  to share a burger instead so that hopefully we could be done and the dr visit over, and we could get discharged.
     The hemotologist came in;  he was a very pleasant person.  He seemed to think that my counts, even at 29k were nothing to be alarmed about.  His words were "People have heart surgery with a count of 15k."  So why had they kept me???  He told me he wanted me to follow up in a week with a dr in Jacksonville, and he called to make the appointment.  It was also a bit frustrating that this dr was the same one who wouldn't come see us the day before because he didn't accept our insurance :sigh:
    He told the nurse that as far as he was concerned, we were clear for discharge.  The OB on duty was in surgery, so the nurse apologized and told us that she (the OB) would be with us as soon as possible.  We settled in for a wait, but we felt better knowing we would go home that day.  I can't tell you how long we waited, but the nurse eventually came in and had the discharge papers for us.  She went over them with me, and I had to sign a few things, and then she told us that when we were ready, we were free to go.  I went to put on my clothes (I had been in a hospital gown since Sunday)...I was avoiding getting dressed because all I had brought with me were maternity clothes.  We were so ill-prepared;  we'd had no bag packed, no extra clothes, no phone charger...When I had asked, they told me I didn't need to bring anything but myself when we came in on Sunday.  Of course, I should have brought a bag anyway.  How were they to know I would need to be transferred and not released until Wednesday??
     A wheelchair was brought, and Hubs met us downstairs with the car.  It was strange being outside.  It was a beautiful day, a bit windy, but sunny.  So different from the rain and nastiness of Sunday.  Once we were loaded in the car, we were headed home.  This was actually the hardest part for me.  I had told Hubs that as long as we were still at the hospital, I was doing well...because we were in a cocoon of sorts...everyone knew our situation, and we knew the baby was still in the hospital.  Leaving the hospital meant leaving the hospital and admitting to my heart that Baby Aleman wasn't coming home with us.
     We held hands and took a deep breath and faced that hurdle together.  I can't tell ya'll enough how much I love Hubs and how much he means to me.  He takes care of me and loves me unconditionally.  I hated going through this, but I couldn't imagine having to go through it with anyone else.  Again I am reminded that God does NOT make mistakes, and He knew what He was doing when He brought us together.
     We got home about 3:45pm;  JJ was home, doing his homework with Grammie.  We all hugged, and I sat down to rest.  I needed to get a prescription filled, but we decided to go the next day.  Hubs had schoolwork to catch up on, but he emailed his professor and was given an extension until the next day.
     I spent time working on the puzzle that we had begun only the week before.  I would work a bit, then my brain would wander off.  Momma took care of dinner, and I found I just wasn't very hungry.  I ate a hotdog but had to force the last bit down.  We sat around until about 10, and finally I knew we had to get some sleep.  This was the first night that Hubs and I could sleep next to each other and hold each other.  We got in the bed, he held his arms out, I snuggled in...and the floodgates opened.  I felt like my heart was breaking over and over;  I couldn't catch my breath, but I didn't want the whole house to hear my pain.  I don't know how long I cried or how long Hubs held me...I just know that when I had calmed down, I pulled Hubs to me and just held him.  Once we finally fell asleep, it was the best sleep I'd had in probably a week.
     Thursday, I decided to go pay bills and get my meds.  I took a shower and cried while in the shower.  I felt better once I finished though.  Momma and Grandmutter drove me around, and Hubs stayed home to work on his schoolwork.  We paid the water bill, the power bill, and the cable bill.  We stopped at Wendy's for lunch.  We went to wal-mart to get my prescription filled.  We picked Hubs up Hardees for lunch;  we got home and I sat on the couch, completely wore out.  I had planned to work on some knitting, but when I went to get my yarn, I discovered that the hall bathroom had been leaking, and the carpet in my closet was wet...which meant almost all of my yarn was wet.  I was trying to save as much as I could, so I was pulling everything out.  Momma helped me get it oustide and get the fan set up to blow in the closet to dry it out.  I was so ill.  She fussed at me for trying to do too much, and I came back to the couch, but I was bored.  The plan had been for me to get the yarn and work on the crafts while sitting on the couch, resting.  It didn't work out that way...that evening, JJ had a Monster Math night at school that we had RSVP'ed for, and he was so pumped about going...plus they had a Cici's night to earn money for the school.  We left about 5:30pm for the Math night, and that finished at 7pm.  JJ had a blast.  He was given four math games and a drawstring backpack with "goodies" inside...a math book and a pencil case with stuff inside.  We came home, picked up Momma and Grandmutter, and headed back out to Cici's.  We didn't get home until after 9, I believe.  JJ was so wore out.  He got in his jammies, got his meds, and went to bed.  I don't think we stayed up much longer. 
     I had weighed myself when I woke up on Friday morning, and I weighed exactly what I had weighed at my prenatal visit in January (the last one we heard the baby's happy heartbeat.)  I had lost 7 pounds while in the hospital.  We had some running around to do after JJ went to school.  I think most of it was at walmart (lol).  I was ready to be home before we finished.  I could tell I needed to rest.  My stomach had started cramping more.
     I had bought new yarn at walmart since my old yarn was drying, and we sat on the couch and worked on some knitting.  It kept me calm and resting.  I finished one hat and started on another.  Momma cooked dinner, and it was the first full mean I had eaten since the previous Thursday evening when we had gone to Golden Corral.
     Saturday, Momma and Grandmutter had planned to leave.  I wasn't ready for them to leave, and I jokingly told Momma she could move in.  I knew that the longer they stayed, the harder it would be for us to get back to any sort of routine or anything for our life.  They left around lunchtime.  I cried, watching them pull away, but it only lasted a few minutes.  I took a few deep breaths, and I set about to keep myself busy.
     We had finished the puzzle Thursday when JJ got home from school.  Friday I had taken it apart so that we could eat dinner at the table.  Saturday after they left, I had Hubs find me another puzzle, and I opened it and dumped the ENTIRE 1000 piece puzzle on our dining room table.  Now for those that know me and know how I work puzzles, you know this is NOT how I operate.  I am very meticulous about going through the pieces and getting all of the edges out, getting them together, then studying the picture and deciding what section I want to work first. 
     I pulled some of the edges out, then started working on the middle.  This puzzle seems to be taking shape from the bottom up.  I have the complete bottom together, parts of the middle...the complete edging still isn't together.  I decided that this would take me longer to complete, and I needed to keep my mind busy.  (It's definitely keeping me busy!)
     We were hermits over the weekend.  I didn't take a shower until Sunday evening.  I didn't want to let myself become gross; it was too easy to let that happen.  I cried some more during my shower.  Writing the blog has taken a lot of my time.  I weighed myself again on Sunday...I'd lost 3 more pounds since being home.  I AM eating.  I still have upset stomach, and I don't know how long  that will last.  Everything seems to go straight through me.
     I wanted to share a photo I took on Sunday...February 26, 2012.

Baby bump is completely gone =(  My heart still hurts, but I know I can function.  Hubs doesn't understand the blog, but he said if it's helping me heal, then to just keep on writing...

Happy Birthday To Our Sleeping Angel

     They came back to check me in four hours (12:45am);  my cervix was still completely closed, so they administered another dose of the medication.  They asked if I was in any pain, and I told them no, still no pain whatsoever.  I could tell I was having small contractions, but I didn't need anything for pain.  Liz asked if we needed anything, and I told her no, we were good.  She told me that if I noticed any bleeding to push the button to call her.
     **Because of my previous c-section, they couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't have any uterine tearing along the scar.  They didn't foresee any problems but were still on the lookout, just in case.  This entry may be more graphic than the rest, so if you don't want to be grossed out, I won't be offended if you don't finish reading.**
     Hubs and I turned the tv to Disney and watched cartoons for a bit.  We both had heavy eyes, and I told him to go rest some more.  He hated being across the room from me, and he tried moving the chair closer, but he just couldn't get close enough.  We held hands and watched tv, and finally I told him I was going to try to get some sleep, and he should do the same.  I slept on and off until about 4:30am.  There was definitely more pressure as the contractions were getting strong, and I felt like my bladder was going to bust open.  As soon as I moved, Hubs sat up and asked what was wrong.  I told him I needed help to the bathroom.  I stood up and noticed blood on the bed pad.  I had Hubs help me back in the bed, and I pushed the call button.  Liz was with someone else, so another nurse came in, and I told her that I was bleeding, and that I didn't know until I stood up to use the restroom and it ran down my legs.  She said she was going to call the dr.  She left and returned a few minutes later with the resident OB on duty.  They had me lay all the way back and did an internal check.  The dr said I was completely dilated, and she could feel my water bag.  She asked if I wanted to try pushing, and I told her I wasn't sure if I needed to.  She said "Use the same muscles like you are having a bowel movement.  Hold your breath and push."  So, I held my breath and tried pushing, but my  body just wasn't ready.  She said that we would wait a little bit longer and try again.  She asked about my pain level, and again, I told her I was in no pain, just a lot of pressure in my lower abdomen, and I felt like I needed to pee.
     Liz came in a few minutes later and apologized.  She helped clean me up and got me a new bed pad.  She draped a towel between my legs and told me to call her if I felt like I was in any pain or anything changed.  Hubs and I tried to rest after that, but we knew it was close.  He sat back in the chair, and we held hands.  I took a lot of deep breaths and did slight movement changes to relieve the pressure.  The pressure suddenly started building, and I thought I was going to have to give in and get something for the pain when suddenly my water broke.  I told Hubs "My water just broke."  and pushed the call button.  Liz came right in and asked what was wrong.  I told her that my water had just broke, so she cleaned me up and had me lie back.  She asked if I wanted to try pushing, and I said OK. 
     I wasn't sure what to expect;  I didn't make it to this point around with JJ.  The dr broke my water, and I only dilated to 6cm before they decided (after 24 hours of being at 6cm) for me to have a c-section.  I was never in any sort of pain and had planned to have a natural birth.  I was heartbroken that it didn't turn out that way.  This time, I still wasn't in any sort of pain; I just felt the pressure of my bladder being completely full.  I wasn't sure how long I would have to push because I knew the baby was so small.  I mentally prepared myself, and I took a deep breath and pushed.  I barely finished the push when the baby came right out.  Liz scooped the baby up and took the body away.  I didn't see, but I saw how her hands were scooped, and I knew the baby was even smaller than I had imagined.  She clamped the cord and said "You did a good job, Momma."  I delivered about 5:20am.
     I felt like part of my heart had just left my body.  I reached for Hubs hand, and I just squeezed.  I could feel the tears running down my face.  Liz cleaned me up and told me that because the placenta still had to come out, we were going to wait until it was ready;  they were trying to avoid a D&C because of my platelet count, but they were afraid if the dr used any of the instruments to help the placenta out, then it would break off because it was so small, and they would have to do the D&C anyway.
     Liz left us alone for a little while, then returned to tell us the stats.  She said the baby measured 5 1/2 inches long and 2.6 oz in weight, much smaller than a baby that was 17 weeks along.  She said the baby HAD taken on some fluid but not as much as had been believed it would take on with the three week guesstimation of when this had happened.  She said the baby was VERY developed; more developed than she believes it would have been at 14 weeks (when we were told the baby had passed in utero).  There were little feet and little legs developing; little arms and hands; the eyes were in the correct place, and you could see the nose and mouth.  She said she couldn't tell one way or the other on the sex of the baby, but that the doctors would look and be able to tell.  I told her that I didn't want to know anyway.  Liz didn't believe it had been more than a week at the most since the baby had passed.
     About an hour after delivering our Sleeping Angel, it was time to deliver the placenta.  It took about two pushes this time, but it came out completely intact, which is what the dr had been going for.  A nurse came in and cleaned me, and then she helped me to the restroom.  I got settled back in the bed, and the nurse introduced herself as Gail.   She was also one of the bereavement counselors.  She went to check if I had been cleared for breakfast yet.
     It wasn't very long that she came back to tell us that we had been cleared for breakfast, and she sat to talk with us before we ordered.  She had gone to check on the baby herself and informed us of the sex.  I am not ready to share this information at the moment.  I will say that before she told us, I had a little voice whispering to me that our Angel was OK;  as soon as she told us the sex, the same voice whispered that He was holding (not ready to share the name either) in His arms. 
     When Gail told us the sex, and all of this happened so quickly, I felt the tears.  I hadn't wanted to know the sex, but I felt comforted that I knew our Angel was in Heaven with an aunt, a grandfather, and 3 great-grandfathers.  Gail told us that she would be putting together a memorial box for us, and she asked our permission to take some delicate photos to include in the box.  She said they would be in an envelope, and that we could view them when we were ready, if ever.
     We ordered breakfast; I only ate a half of a bagel and drank some water.  I could barely eat that.  My stomach was all kinds of upset.  We were still in the birthing room; there was a tub in front of the bed for a water birth; there was a scale to weigh the baby.  We were hoping to get moved so that we wouldn't be surrounded with so many baby reminders.
     After we finished breakfast, Gail told us that when we were ready, they had another room for us that had a more comfortable bed.  Hubs made sure all of our stuff was together, and Gail went to get me a wheelchair.  She got me settled in the new room.  I went to the restroom on my own (YAY!)...walking was not easy.  I had finally had the IV drip taken off, but my legs were shakey.  I was very slow moving, but I was moving on my own.  Hubs was right outside the door and told me to holler if I needed help.  He was right by me every time I needed to move.  I was trying to take breaks from being in the bed by walking laps around the room.  I couldn't walk very long, but I was tired of being in the bed.
     Our new nurse, Robyn was awesome.  She was very bubbly, and that was just what we needed.  We found something on tv to watch.  We had already been told they were keeping us another night.  Hubs called momma to fill her in on everything that had transpired and let her know we were staying another night.  She was coming to our house later in the day with JJ and Grandmutter.  They decided to drive straight to Wilmington so that they could visit us a bit.  It was good to have them there.  It did my heart wonders to see JJ and have him in the room with us.
     When JJ arrived in the room, he gave me a hug and then he looked at my belly and asked if the baby was gone now.  I told him yes, the baby was gone now, and he was quiet a moment then said "OK."  He wanted to sit in the bed with me, so I sat up and positioned a pillow so he could lean on me.  We watched Spiderman on tv.
     I really don't know how long they were able to visit, but I was so glad that they spent the time with us.   That night, Hubs and I were both avoiding sleep.  We watched tv, and then we sat around talking.  I have no idea how late we finally went to bed;  I just know that we still hadn't truly begun grieving.  Being in the hospital with a special symbol on our door allowed everyone we were in contact with to be aware that we were in a delicate situation.  No one talked about the baby, and Hubs and I talked some, then changed the subject or watched tv.  We were just ready to have my platelets checked the next morning so that we could get home...
    

The Next 48 Hours

     I didn't sleep very well.  The OB had said she would call, but that it could be early in the morning or late in the afternoon.  I kept expecting the phone to ring any second.  I knew that as soon as I finally fell asleep, I would get a phonecall.  My phone alert went off at 6:30am.  Momma had sent a text asking me to call her.  I immediately called back, and she apologized for waking me.  I told her that I had been up already, that I wasn't sure I had ever fallen asleep.
     She told me that her and my dad had decided to make the trip back to Jacksonville and that they were going to get JJ and take him back to their house.  I felt better that there was somewhat of a plan, and I told her that I would let the OB know as soon as she called, so we could make arrangements to go into the hospital.
     Since I was already awake, I just went to the living room.  I honestly don't remember exactly how long, but it wasn't much longer that JJ and Hubs were both awake.  I think I fixed JJ a poptart;  I know that I fixed myself one.  I ate it slowly with a glass of milk, hoping that it would stay down.  It did.  I told JJ that Grammie and Poppy were on the way to get him, and that he would be staying at their house for a couple of days while I went to my dr appointment.  He was a little sad, but he remembered Annabel, so that brightened him up.  I packed his suitcase and had him get dressed;  I wasn't sure how long my parents would be staying because I had no idea when we would receive word from the OB.
     My parents arrived around 9:30am.  I still hadn't heard from the OB.  They came in (and had brought Annabel) so JJ was very pumped.  He was ready to leave right then.  Grammie told him that they were going to visit a little while first, so he started watching Inspector Gadget on Netflix. 
     I was glad to have both of my parents here.  I was feeling very anxious about getting the phonecall.  I still had no idea what to expect.  Would I be in pain physically?  Emotionally, I knew I was a mess.  I also knew that our family and friends were praying for us through this difficult time. 
     We sat outside in the sunshine for a bit and watched JJ and Annabel run around the backyard.  Before I knew it, it was lunchtime.  We decided to go to Bojangles for lunch.  I had ordered chicken strips with dirty rice and a biscuit...sweet tea to drink.  I ate the rice and half of the biscuit...I gave the other half to JJ.  I drank my sweet tea, then felt guilty for drinking the caffeine.  I had gotten a refill, and I gave it to Hubs.  I didn't even try to eat the chicken.  I was afraid the spicey would upset my stomach.  JJ didn't eat his fries, so I wrapped them up along with my chicken strips in a napkin to take home.  We sat a little while visiting;  I don't think any of us really wanted to go back home to just sit and wait.
     When we got home, everyone decided to go outside since it was so nice.  I tried to get some rest on the couch since I hadn't slept very well the night before.  I couldn't sleep though because I felt like as soon as I got comfy or fell asleep finally, the phone would ring.  I finally got up and sat at the table to work on the puzzle I had started Thursday afternoon.  Momma came back in and sat at the table with me, and we just worked on the puzzle.  We talked a little bit, but mostly, we sat in silence.  I told her I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel...that I kept hoping I would wake up and my real Friday would begin...that it all felt like a bad dream.
     My parents stayed until 6pm, and the OB still hadn't called.  I assured Momma that I would call as soon as we heard anything, we gave hugs and kisses to everyone, and they were headed home.  Hubs and I decided to figure out what to do for dinner.  I didn't feel like going anywhere, and he didn't want to leave to pick something up and the OB to finally call.  We settled on pulling leftovers out.  I ended up slicing some cheddar cheese and having 3 slices with a handful of crackers.  I could barely finish; I felt so full. 
     I was just finishing my dinner when the phone rang.  It was 7pm.  It was the OB calling to figure out what we had decided and if my parents had been able to come to town for JJ.  I told her that we decided to do the delivery instead of the D&C and that my parents had made the trip, picked up my son, visited the afternoon, and headed home about 6pm.  She said we could come in that night (but she would call Labor & Delivery first to make sure there was a bed) or we could come in the next morning, whenever as convenient for us.  We hung up for her to call the hospital, and when she called back, she said there hadn't been as many discharges as they had expected, so it would be best for us to come in the next morning.  We hung up, and we both immediately called our parents.  I told Momma that we would be going in at 8am to be admitted to Onslow Memorial and that once they administered the medication, it could take anywhere from 4-12 hours for me to deliver, depending on how long it took my body to complete the labor process.  Around 9, the phone rang again, and it was the hospital letting me know that they were aware that I was to come in the next morning.  The nurse told me "I come in at 8am;  Wait for me to call you to make sure we have a private room ready for you before you get here.  I will call before 9am."  We decided not to call our parents again since we had already told them that we would be going in at 8am.
     I checked my email to erase all of the Facebook notifications.  I read through the messages and kind words that people had sent.  I cried a bit.  Hubs and I sat up talking in the living room.  I told him that I didn't know what to expect.  I didn't know if they would try to let me hold the baby after I delivered; I didn't want to.  I didn't want to know the sex.  Since the dr on Friday had told us that it appeared to have been at least three weeks, I didn't know the state that the baby would be in.  I did NOT want to remember our baby like that.  I told him that I didn't want to know the sex because it we found out it was a girl, it would hurt because we already had a name picked out.  And if we found out it was a boy, I didn't want us to have to pick a name under those circumstances. 
     I had sent a text to Julie because we hadn't heard from her in response to an email I had sent, and when she responded, I found out that they didn't have internet access at their new house.  I ended up calling her and having a very emotional conversation.  We talked a really long time about everything, her in shock as much as we were.  We finally hung up, and she asked that Jon please send her updates to let them know what was happening the next day.
     I had sent a text to my brother because I hadn't heard anything from him either.  We had gone to bed, and I got a response about 11pm.  I asked if I could call, and he said yes...and my stomach turned.  I had been feeling a nervous stomach throughout the afternoon, but it finally hit at the thought that I would have to tell my brother everything.  I finally called, and he told me that he had seen our Facebook message, but because it said not to call or text, he hadn't.  I told him the latest update, and that Jon would be texting Mom, and he asked that once everything finished, for Jon to please call him and let him know.
     I went to sleep shortly after.  My alarm was set for 7:30am.  All things considered, I slept really well that night.  When we woke up the next morning, I got my shower and put back on my pajamas.  I told Hubs that I didn't want to get dressed yet because all that fit me well were my maternity clothes, and I didn't want to sit there with my clothes mocking me all morning.  I ate some cheese and crackers for breakfast;  I wasn't sure if I was supposed to eat or not-the OB hadn't said.  But I figured if I was going to have to go through labor, I needed to eat something. 
     The nurse called about 8:45am and told us the room number and where to go to get checked in.  We were dressed and out of the house in less than 15 minutes.  It was a nasty day-rainy, cold...gross.  As we neared the hospital, I felt my stomach turning again.  The thought of having to go to Onslow Memorial was really causing me problems.  (I have major issues with this hospital, not because of anything they've done to me, but for how my Granddaddy was treated the last time that he was in that hospital.  He didn't get very good care.  He went in for a colon surgery and spent basically a month in the bed...no one worked with his legs or tried to get him up...and he never walked again.  He had to have help doing anything and was confined to a wheelchair or a recliner for the rest of his days.  I haven't forgiven Onslow Memorial for this.)
     We went in through the ER as we were instructed.  We were told that we were going to be in room 228 on the second floor, and that we needed to let the ER know, but we didn't need to be admitted through the ER.  So, I went to the front desk, told them that I was supposed to be admitted, and told them exactly what I had been told over the phone.  They had me go sit in the waiting room.  I was there less than five minutes before they called me back, and I got in a wheelchair and was wheeled to a little room.  The person in there took our information, and the guy that had wheeled me in told her that I was there for a labor check.  When he left, I told the lady, no it wasn't a labor check, I was going in to deliver.  I explained that we had our appointment on Friday, there was no heartbeat, and the OB had called us the night before to come in that day (Sunday).  I told her that the hospital had called and asked me not to come in until we had received word from them that they had a private room and that we had been called at 8:45 and told that we were going to room 228.  I don't really know what the problem was.  The girl was either new or just not very smart.  She kept calling around because she had no idea how to enter that info into the computer.  She kept telling people that I was there for a labor check.  She finally called someone to transport us.  The paperwork said I was to go to Labor & Delivery for a labor check, but she had written room 228 down (because of what I had told her)...the poor lady that transported us got us to the second floor, and then told us that she had to call because the paperwork said two different things.  She had asked when I was due, and I told her July 25th, but that the baby had no heartbeat, and that was why I was there...to deliver the baby.  She made her phonecall, and then took us to room 228. 
     The nurse on duty was so nice.  She got me a hospital gown, introduced herself, and told me the names of the other nurses that would be working with me.  I got dressed, used the bathroom, had Hubs tie my gown, and I got in the bed.  They came in to check my blood pressure, and it was a little high (but nothing like it had been)...140 something/93...They got me all settled in, and I had Hubs turn on the tv.  By this time, it was after 10am.  He sent my mom a text to let her know that we were all checked in.  The different nurses bustled in and out.  One came in to draw my blood (I let them know that I had low platelets with my first pregnancy, and I had let people know at every appointment except the last one.  I had even brought in the prenatal paperwork that showed what my counts had gone down to and had the nurses at the Health Department make copies and send them to my OB in town.)  Another came in to insert the IV.  Yet another came back to check my blood pressure.
     Hubs found Legally Blonde on ABC family.  We started watching; we needed a silly movie to make us laugh.  The lab person came back to draw blood again.  She said that they had my platelets reading 23k, so they wanted to draw blood to check that number.
     The nurse came back and apologized for the OB, but they had to get me down to radiology for another ultrasound.  Somehow, the info that had been faxed from Wilmington could not be found (so not impressed by this)...So we went down, and the tech told us "I have to get some measurements, but you know that I can't tell you anything I find."  After a few minutes, she asked when my last ultrasound had been, and I told her Friday, and she asked me to tell her about that appointment.  I told her that we went in to find out the sex of the baby, and the tech there informed us that there was no heartbeat.  She said "Ok, I was just making sure that was the reason you were here today."   We were only down there for about 15 minutes, and then we were taken back to our room. 
     The nurses kept coming to check on me and make sure I wasn't in any pain.  I still had no pain, no cramping, no bleeding.  We watched the next movie:  Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium.  It gave us something to do.  Around 1, they brought in some lunch.  Hubs and I shared the plate;  I couldn't eat the whole thing, and I knew my stomach would just be upset.  We started watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
     It was around 3pm or so when the OB finally made it in to talk with us.  She informed us that my platelet count was at 34k.  She wasn't comfortable beginning the labor there at Onslow Memorial because if I were to have a lot of bleeding, they didn't have the resources for a platelet transfusion.  She said that they were contacting Wilmington and Greenville, and I would be transferred.  She did an internal exam and told me that my cervix was still completely closed.
     We continued to watch Harry Potter, and Hubs made the phonecalls to our parents to make them aware of the situation.  About an hour later, the paramedics came in with a stretcher to transport me to the ambulance.  We would be heading to New Hanover Regional Medical Center in Wilmington.  They gave Hubs sketchy directions, and he said he would just follow the ambulance.  I crawled over to the stretcher, and they began hooking me up to monitors and strapping me in.  Up to this point, I hadn't felt like anything was wrong, but then I felt like I looked like I was dying.  I had sensors on both legs, both arms, and both sides of my chest.  I had an O2 reader on my finger and a blood pressure cuff on my arm.  I had an IV of fluids  and antibiotics (in case infection was trying to set in) on my left wrist (yes, wrist...it was in an awkward position).  I had another IV inserted on my right arm, on the sensitive underside, in case they needed to do an emergency transfusion or anything.  It was just the IV part, nothing was hooked to it yet.
     We got downstairs, and it was COLD outside.  This of course is the night that they were calling for flurries around the Eastern part of the state.  They got me loaded in the ambulance, and Hubs told me that he would be there when they opened the ambulance doors in Wilmington and took off for the car (thankfully it wasn't far from where the ambulance was parked.)  We took off, no lights...and the girl in the back with me told me that they could drive up to 10 mph over the speed limit if their lights weren't on.  I was able to see the car behind us, and it was Hubs.  It made me feel better, even though I hated he had to make the drive alone.  The girl was chatty; my blood pressure was reading awesome.  128/73.  I think knowing we were headed to another hospital relieved my anxiety a TON.  The chorus to a Tim McGraw song kept playing through my head "Somebody must be praying for me.  Somebody out there must be praying for me."  Over and over, that played in my head.  Loveys, I know you were all praying for us.  We felt a calmness and peace surrounding us.  I said the Lord's Prayer over and over in my head.  I was ready to be out of the ambulance and with Hubs again.
     When they opened the doors, there was Hubs, standing there just like he said he would be.  They whisked us up to our room and got me settled into the new bed.  When our new nurses came in, I asked if I could use the restroom.  I had to hang my IV on a hook in the restroom.  That was interesting.
     The nurses drew more blood to check my platelet count and made sure that my IV was correct and my BP was getting checked.  By this time, it was a bit after 6pm.  Someone brought an ultrasound machine in and did a quick ultrasound.  They came in and told me that my platelets were at 38k.  They were going to contact the hemotologist on call to find out if they wanted to see me first or how they wanted to  proceed.  The nurse on duty introduced herself as Liz and said she would be with us til 7am.  They came back in around 8:20pm and told me that they were going to draw more blood to check the platelet count, and if it was stable, they would administer the medication.  I asked how long it would be before the results came back, and they told me it would take about an hour.  I asked if Hubs could get something to eat since it had been since 1pm that we had shared lunch.  They told him where to go, and he headed off to grab a quick bite and make phonecalls for updates.  He hadn't been gone but maybe 20 minutes, when they came back in and told me that my platelets were at 35k, and that was considered stable.  The OB had to insert the meds internally.  I can't remember the name, but it was 4 little white pills.  It was all done by 8:45pm.  They told me the meds would be readministered in four hours.  My next BP reading was high.  Hubs came back about 9:15, and I told him that they had given me the medication about half an hour before.  My cervix was still completely closed, and they would be back in four hours to check me. 
     Liz came in to talk with us.  She wanted us to have a plan for after delivery.  I told her that I didn't want to see the baby and didn't want to know the sex.  She told me that her job was to get the baby, go to another room, clean the baby, get weight and length, and that someone would take pictures.  They would put everything in a box for us, and it was up to us if we wanted the box or if we even wanted to look in the box.  We felt very comfortable with the plan.  We would have the option of viewing the body; I knew that I would not, but Hubs was struggling on what he would do.
     I told Hubs we needed to rest while we could because we didn't know how long everything would take.  We dozed through Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.  Several times he had to help me and my IV buddy to the bathroom, but mostly we just rested/catnapped.  Liz came in one time to recheck my BP...it had read 114/55.  It was a correct reading.  We were just so calm and at peace, still surrounded by the prayers that everyone was lifting us up in...

The Day Our World Was Shattered

     *I have been in contact with several people that I sent the pregnant texts too, and they will be sending me the pictures that are saved on their computer.  I will post them once I have all of them to post together.

     **During January and early February while Julie was here, and we were watching a ton of TLC, the previews for the new season of 19 Kids and Counting kept showing.  In the preview, it showed the parents at their 20 week ultrasound, and the dr telling them that there was no heartbeat.  My heart broke for the Dugger family every time I watched that preview, and I would rub my belly and thank God for our little miracle growing inside of me.  One morning, we were up early enough to watch one of the morning talk shows, and they had the Dugger parents on, and their strength amazed me.  But their faith reminded me of my own.  They mourned the loss of their daughter, but they knew without a doubt that they would see her again in Heaven and would get to hold their baby girl.

     We woke early on Friday, February 17th.  Hubs and I had to get ready, eat breakfast, get JJ up, and then we had to begin our hour and 20 minute drive to Wilmington to the Maternal Fetal Medicine clinic.  After an extremely restless night, I was tired, but the excitement of getting to see our little one on the ultrasound and possibly discover the sex was far more exciting.  We shoveled down our eggs and grits and hugged and kissed everyone.  Momma told me that my sister and her hubby were beyond excited and that she had promised to call to let them know if they were going to be an Aunt or an Uncle.  I promised to call Momma when we were on the way home to share our news.  We set off on our journey, listening to an audiobook of Breaking Dawn on the way.  We had to stop to use the restroom right outside of Wilmington.  Our appointment was at 9:30, but we had to arrive by 9:00am.  We arrived and checked in by 9:05am.  We got comfortable in our chairs, and I had my bottle of water.  By 9:50am, I was checking my phone for the time, and the receptionist called back and asked if they were almost ready for me.  The ultrasound prior to mind had run over, and she apologized.  I told her I just had to empty my bladder but wasn't sure if they needed a urine sample.  She told me no, that I was welcome to use the bathroom.  I went around the corner, and the ultrasound tech was coming to get us.  She took us to the room and showed me the restroom. 
     We were bubbling over with excitement.  The tech was so friendly.  She asked if I had been able to feel movements yet, and I exclaimed "Yes!  Baby Aleman has been very active!  My son and husband have both been able to feel movements!!"  She then asked if they could get a clear view, did we want to know the sex.  "Yes" we said.  "We know some people want to be surprised, but we want to be able to prepare!"  She had me lie back, pull my shirt over my belly, and put my pants below my hips.
     They had a large screen on the wall in front of me so that we could see everything she saw.  As she began the ultrasound, another nurse walked in to ask me some questions.  After just a moment, the ultrasound tech asked the other nurse if she would stay just a moment, and then she looked at me and said "Sweetie, I'm so sorry.  There's no heartbeat."  I sat there looking at her for what felt like a lifetime.  I was hoping I had misunderstood.  How do you respond to something like that?  So I told her the truth "I was worried about that..."  (after seeing all of the Dugger family commercials, I began to feel anxious, and I was just ready to know that our baby was healthy.)  I still had no reaction.  She kept asking if we were okay, and I told her I was fine...that it hadn't hit me yet.  She apologized and said that she still had to take some measurements.  She asked if we wanted her to turn the screen off so that we didn't have to view, and I told her "No, I need to see this."  I reached out my hand for Hubs to hold, and we squeezed each other's hand.  As we watched the tech take the measurements, my heart kept breaking beyond repair.  There on the screen was the proof  that our baby had been conceived and passed on.  My body was determined to fulfill the pregnancy.  I'd had no cramps, no bleeding, no pain of any sort.  We were asked if we would like a picture, and I said "yes we would because we didn't get a picture at the first ultrasound."  She took a couple of pictures and printed them for us and laid them on the bed beside me.  She went and got a box of kleenex and laid it beside the pictures, and she told me that the specialist would come in and talk with us.  She apologized again and left us in the room.  I sat up, and my heart just broke.  Hubs had tears running down his face, and I just burst into tears.  I covered my face and sobbed.  I kept saying "I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry."  Hubs told me that I had done nothing wrong, and I told him that my heart knew I had done nothing wrong, but my brain was trying to analyze everything I had done during my pregnancy.  Had I done too much?  Had I lifted something too heavy?  Did I eat something I shouldn't have?  Questions were pouring forth.  I grabbed a kleenex, wiped my face and blew my nose.  I looked at Hubs and I said "I don't understand the reason, but I KNOW God doesn't make mistakes.  There IS a reason for this, and we may never understand...I just can't believe that He would allow us to finally get pregnant, and then snatch that happiness away.  There is a REASON."
     I moved off of the bed and sat beside Hubs, our arms around each other, both shattered.  We just let ourselves cry.  I don't know how long we were alone in the room.  We were able to look at the ultrasound picture, and it was heartbreaking.  Normally, we would have looked at the picture and been so happy, but knowing what we did, looking at the picture, I saw a pitiful, lifeless baby.  Baby was facedown in my belly, so we couldn't find out the sex.  But I still felt my heartstrings tighten, and I couldn't help but hope that when the specialist came in, we would find out that the tech had been wrong.  That the machine was messing up, and there really was a heartbeat to hear. 
     Dr. Wright came in, and she apologized and said she still had to take a look at the ultrasound.  She wanted to do more measurements and see if she could see anything wrong.  She tilted the bed back pretty far so that the baby would be repositioned;  I couldn't see anything because I was practically on my head. 
     Dr. Wright told us that there was nothing on the ultrasound that showed why this had happened.  She could see no deformaties, the cord wasn't around the neck, etc.  She said sometimes these things just happen, and she apologized for that because she knew that isn't what we wanted to hear.  I told her that it was okay, and she hugged me and said she knew it wasn't.  I told her no, it wasn't, but that it didn't change anything.  She also said that according to the measurements, it appeared to have happened three weeks earlier. 
     Now three weeks earlier would have been the day after our last OB appointment where we heard the heartbeat.  I KNOW that I felt the baby move after that...that I had felt the baby move the previous week.  I KNOW that JJ felt the baby move on February 4th, and Hubs felt the baby move on February 9th.   I couldn't vouch that I had felt the baby move this week because things had been so busy.  We babysat Sheldon on Tuesday and just stayed busy.  Wednesday we spent part of the afternoon cleaning.  Thursday, we were filled with excitement of the upcoming appointment, and it was the first day that I noticed that I didn't feel movement.  But as I said earlier, I just assumed that Baby Aleman was just being shy because I wanted Momma and Grandmutter to feel movement.
     She brought us a packet on grieving.  I told her that the hardest part would be telling our 6 1/2 year old son, JJ.  That he was so excited he CRIED when he found out he was going to be a big brother.  She said there was information in the packet on how to talk to a child about a loss.  She also told us that she would call my OB here in Jacksonville and that I would get a phonecall with further instructions.  I asked her what normally happened next, and she said "Well, since it's been so long, and your body hasn't tried to expel the baby on its own, your OB will give you some medicine to induce labor, and you will go to the hospital and deliver."
     We were led out the back door so that we wouldn't have to walk through a crowded waiting room with tons of pregnant women.  It was only 10:45am.  We had only been back for 45 minutes, and our lives were forever changed.  Hubs and I walked slowly across the lot to our car, and we got in and just sat there.  I can't tell you how long we sat there, just sitting in the car.  It could have been 10 minutes; it could have been 45 minutes. 
     I made the decision not to call Momma before we left because I didn't want to give her this kind of news through a phone call.  We had to stop and get gas, and we had planned to stop for lunch on the way home.  Hubs tried to give words of comfort, and I love him so much.  I know his heart was as broken as mine, and he was trying so hard to be strong for me.  We drove in silence until we came upon a Hardees.  We stopped for a bathroom break and were going to get a small bite.  I told him I was just going to get a drink because I felt like if I ate anything, I would throw up.  I told him I would eat something once we were home.  We both just got drinks, and I told him that we could just sit in the car because the dining room was completely full.  We sat in the parking lot for maybe an hour.  We tried to talk, mostly cried, and held hands.  He kept saying he was sorry, and I told him it was NOT his fault.  He reminded me that it was NOT my fault either.  I told him we had to figure out what to tell JJ.  He asked if I wanted to wait until after we got the call from the OB and could tell him what was going to happen.  I told him no because he is smart and would know something was wrong with us...that I couldn't pretend to be happy, and I didn't know how long it would be before the OB called us.
     We made it home about 1pm.  Momma and Grandmutter had gone to lunch; I sent her a text to let her know that we were home, and she responded that she thought we were going to call.  Before I could write back, my phone rang, and it was Momma.  She said they were at Arbys and had just finished eating and wanted to know if we wanted anything.  I gave her an order for Hubs, and she asked again "I thought you were going to call me when you were on your way home?"  I told her that things had changed, and she said "what changed?"  I told her we would talk about it when she got home.  We hung up and sat on the couch, waiting for them to get back home.  They got here a few minutes later; Hubs and I were sitting on the couch together.  Momma sat on my other side, and Grandmutter sat in the recliner.  Momma asked "what's wrong?"  I said "well..."  Then I just blurted the whole thing out, and I all of the grief that I felt came pouring forth.  I was squeezing Hubs hand, and Momma had me wrapped in her arms.  We all cried together.  Again, I can't tell you how long we cried.  I just know I cried until I could talk again.  I showed her the ultrasound picture and showed her the packet that Dr. Wright had given us.  I told her that we were waiting on a call from the OB to determine what the next step would be.  I assured her that I was in no pain; I'd had no bleeding and no cramping, that if we hadn't just been told there was no heartbeat, then I would assume that everything was normal.
     It was getting close to the time to pick JJ up from school, and Momma said that she would pick him up.  She left, and Hubs went to call his parents.  I ate a half sandwich with Grandmutter watching me.  He was just hanging up when Momma got back with JJ.  Since it was Friday, he had no homework except for reading.  He was ready to finish his homework and go outside to play.  We asked him to sit on the couch, and he asked if he was in trouble.  We told him no, and he asked if it was about the baby.  We told him yes.  He started bouncing because he was so happy.  He asked if we found out if we were having a boy or a girl, and I said no.  He asked if the baby was just being shy because it wanted to surprise us.  We told him no.  Hubs was holding JJ's hand, and I had my arm around him.  I said, "Baby, when we went to the appointment this morning, the dr couldn't find a heartbeat."  JJ sat there just a moment, then looked at me with his solemn eyes and asked "Momma, does that mean the baby  died?"  And my heart shattered all over again.  "Yes" I replied because I didn't know what else to say.  I gathered him up in my arms, and he leaned over to me.  His little hand cupped my belly.  All of the adults were crying again.  JJ said "I just really want to do my homework."  So I let him up to throw away his kleenex, and when he turned around, he looked at me, and his face just crumpled.  I couldn't stop my tears, and I just held open my arms and said "come here, Baby."  He came to me and just sobbed.  I pulled him into my lap the best I could.  Hubs leaned over with us, and we cried in earnest together.  I didn't know what else to say.  He kept trying to stop crying, and Hubs kept telling him it was okay to cry and to be mad or sad.  He kept saying he just wanted to do his homework.  JJ went and got his book and read to us.
     Momma didn't know what to do; she had planned to go home after we returned from the appointment, but she didn't want to leave us alone.  I told her to go, and that I would call her as soon as I knew something.  She made plans to return on Monday after Grandmutter's dr appointment.  As they were packing up the car, I had to go to the bathroom to be sick.  I just couldn't stop throwing up.  I rinsed my mouth and went to pour me some sierra mist.  My head was starting to hurt, but I hadn't had much to drink post appointment, and I had done a lot of crying.  Add being sick, and that is not a good combo.
     After they left, I tried to sit at the table and work on a puzzle.  I couldn't concentrate.  Everytime I sat down, I had to jump up and run to the bathroom.  It was all I could do to get one sip of sierra mist in before I got sick again.  I got several texts from well meaning friends asking about the ultrasound.  I hadn't responded to anyone all day.  I told Hubs that I needed to post on Facebook because that would reach the greatest number of people the fastest.   I shared our heartbreaking news and asked that no one call or text because I wouldn't pick up and to please allow our family time to grieve the loss of our Tiny Angel.
     I finally decided to go lie in the bed and try to read a bit.  I still got up a few times to be sick, but I eventually fell asleep.  I slept for a little over two hours, and my phone rang.  It was 10pm.  It was my OB apologizing for calling so late.  She had received word about what had happened and had been in contact with Labor & Delivery at the local hospital.  She said I could either come in that night or I could come in the next morning.  I told her that we had no one to stay with our son at the moment, and that I would call my mom, but I didn't know what time she would be able to be here.  I told her that I knew Hubs wanted to be with me, and I most definitely wanted him to be with me.  She told me that I had the option of delivering or having a D&C.  The D&C, I would have to schedule an appointment, and I wouldn't be able to do that until Monday.  I told her that we wanted to go in as soon as possible because we needed to begin our grieving and couldn't do that as long as I looked and still felt pregnant.  She told me to sleep on it, call my mom, and she would call back the next day and find out what we wanted to do.
     I went up front to find Hubs on the phone, so I went to the guest room to look for JJ.  He was sound asleep.  I let Hubs finish his phonecall with his brother, and then I filled him in on what the OB and I had talked about.  I called Momma and let her know, and she told me that she would be up first thing in the morning.  Hubs and I sat in the living room for a while longer, talking.  I asked him how JJ was, and he said that JJ had been keeping himself busy, and that he had asked JJ if he was okay.  Hubs said that JJ finally looked at him and said "Daddy, I just don't want to talk about it right now."  So he let JJ be.  JJ played until he was wore out, and then went to bed and fell right asleep.
     Hubs older brother called, and they talked for quite a while.  Hubs and I continued to sit in the living room until after midnight.  We tried to go to sleep, but I tossed and turned.  My head wasn't hurting anymore, but my heart was.  I held my belly and tried to get comfortable in the bed....

February Brings The Rain

Thaws the frozen lake again.

     The first half of our February was nuts.  Julie's hubby made it home from his deployment at the very end of January.  They stayed with us in our guest room while he did the normal checking in stuff.  JJ still had school, we still had cleaning and bills to pay.  Hubs and I would run errands in the morning after getting JJ off to school, and then we would spend the afternoon playing the Wii with Julie or watching TLC or some movie on ABC Family.  We had recorded three different Cinderella movies, and we sat and watched them during the day.
     My belly was growing like crazy.  I kept feeling like I was maybe further along than they had suspected, but since first trimester ultrasound measurements are pretty accurate, I knew they had been correct.  The first Friday in February, I shared my first belly picture on Facebook.  I had shared a few other pictures via text message with a friend, but I did not save them after I sent the text.

This was taken at 15 weeks and 2 days...February 3, 2012.

     The next day, Saturday the 4th, JJ felt the baby move for the first time!  Now JJ gave my belly hugs and kisses every morning when he left for school and every night before he went to bed.  Sometimes he would just come up to me and hug and kiss my belly because he wanted to be sure that the baby knew how much JJ love him or her.  JJ would ask on a regular basis how much longer until he could see the baby out of my belly and hold the baby in his arms.  He wanted to know what the baby would look like, sound like...everything.  We told him that the baby would be super small when first born but would grow like Sheldon and be able to play with him before he knew it.  Whenever JJ would give a long hug, I would tell him "before too long, the baby will be kicking harder, and you will have to watch out because you might get kicked in the forehead!!"  It would make JJ giggle, and he would ask "when will I feel the baby?"
     On the day that he felt the baby move, I was reclining on the couch.  Everyone had been awesome about making sure that I relaxed and that I stayed as stree-free as possible because of my high blood pressure.  I didn't have pre-eclampsia, but they were still going to keep my appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine to keep an eye on me and baby.  JJ had crawled up on the couch next to me and put his head on my belly.  I felt the baby moving, so I turned JJ's head so that his cheek was flat against me, and I pressed his head into my belly.  We sat like that only a few moments before I felt the tiny bump at the front of my belly.  JJ sat up, wide-eyed, and asked "Momma, did you feel that???"  I grinned at him and asked "Did YOU feel that?"  He said "YES!  The baby really did kick me in my face like you said!!!"  He was so excited.  He kept touching my belly, rubbing my belly, grinning at everyone.  We had been waiting for him to experience the miracle.  We knew that once he was able to feel the baby, it would become more real for him. 
     As a side note that I forgot to mention...after JJ found out that we had a baby on the way, his imaginary brothers disappeared.  At this point in February, it had been at least since November that he had even mentioned his brothers in passing.  We figured that he had decided that since he had a "real" sibling on the way, it was time for his imaginary brothers to disappear.
     One morning before JJ had felt movement, Hubs and I were in the bed.  I was awake, waiting for my alarm to go off, and he was in that groggy place between sleep and waking up, mostly on the sleep side.  I was lying on my right side, with my back to Hubs, and his hand was resting on the left side of my belly.  It was quite comfortable.  Suddenly the baby kicked HARD.  I felt Hubs hand jump and my whole body jumped.  Excited I asked "Did you feel that???"  Hubs was like "no..."  I was all bummed because it would have been the first time that he felt the baby move.  I told him that the baby had just kicked hard.  He sat there a few minutes then said "I felt something, but I was mostly asleep, so I didn't realize what it was."  Of course, the baby didn't kick again before my alarm went off and our day got started.
     About a week later (February 9th), Hubs and I were in the living room, after dinner, and the baby must have had a sugar rush.  There was bouncing all over the place!!!  Then it felt like Baby was playing paddleball inside of me, a constant kicking against my right side.  I was able to walk over to Hubs, place his hand on my belly, and watch the amazement in his eyes.  He asked "Is the baby doing a constant kick?"  I said "yes!  It's almost like paddleball!"  I was so happy that he could feel the movement and be wide awake to remember it and register what he was feeling!
     As it got closer to our "big" ultrasound, we started talking more about names.  We had decided on a girl name already; it would have been JJ's name, had he been a girl:  Skyler Marie.  We just couldn't decide upon a boy's name.  Friends gave off the wall suggestions.  In the beginning, before we knew it was definitely one baby, I kept teasing we were having twins, a boy and a girl...and they would be Skyler and Tyler.  I'm not sure Hubs was pumped about the name Tyler, but we never discussed more boy names.  He really wanted a girl.  My family told me it was time for a girl; our siblings were ready for another niece.  I had a dream about having a girl, then closer to the ultrasound, I had a dream about having a boy.  My dreams weren't swaying me one way or the other.  I will admit, and I told Julie, that after the first ultrasound, I thought we were having a boy.  Something I saw in the ultrasound just kept that feeling alive.
     The week of the ultrasound was super duper busy.  Julie and her hubby were preparing for a trip back to GA with all of their stuff.  They reserved a u-haul and spent Valentine's day packing the stuff from their two storage units into the truck.  On the 15th, her hubby got off of work early, and they were able to get the last minute stuff packed and head out early.  They had a long drive back to GA.  On Thursday the 16th, Momma and Grandmutter were coming in that afternoon/early evening.  Our appointment on the 17th was early in Wilmington (just over an hour away), and we had to leave early.  We were so excited all day long.  JJ knew that Grammie and Grandmutter were spending the night and taking him to school the next day, and that we would find out if he was having a brother or a sister.  He kept saying he hoped it was a brother, but he would love a sister just as much.  I took a couple of pictures with my phone to send Momma because it had been since early January that she had seen me.  I had lost 12 pounds during the first trimester.  I was drinking tons of water.  My appetite was coming back, although I still felt nausea with a lot of cooked foods.  I could eat salads and fruit, and I ate quite a bit of that.  I could also eat cheese and yogurt,  so I snacked on that.  Meats were hit and miss.  One time Hubs made meatloaf, and it was so yummy.  A week later, he made meatloaf, and I couldn't eat it.  I couldn't do anything fishy smelling.  I still loved everything spicy.

This was taken on February 16, 2012:  17 weeks and 1 day. 

Another view, taken the same day.  17 weeks and 1 day.  My plan had been to share these on the 17th, after our appointment, hopefully with the sex of the baby, and possibly the name we had picked out.
     Momma and Grandmutter arrived close to 5pm.  Momma had brought her puppy Annabel.  JJ was so pumped :)  We played with the puppy for a bit and took her in the backyard to potty, then we loaded up in Grammie's car and headed to Golden Corral.  Momma and Grandmutter just couldn't get over my belly and how big it was.  I kept laughing and saying "I know, and I've lost weight!  I can't imagine what it will look like when the baby starts to really gain weight!!"  At Golden Corral, I had a salad, some barbeque with tons of Texas Pete and a roll, and some fruit.  I told Momma that it was the most I had eaten at one time in a month. 
     We stayed up until about 10pm visiting, and finally I just had to go to bed.  I had eaten too much, and I couldn't get comfortable.  I was bummed that with as active as the baby had been, I hadn't felt any movement for Momma or Grandmutter to feel, but I just assumed the baby was being shy.  I was up and down most of the night, using the bathroom, battling gas because of my dinner.  It was one of the most uncomfortable nights of my pregnancy thus far.  I knew I kept talking to my belly and asking Baby Aleman to please not be shy tomorrow, that we wanted to know if there was a boy or a girl growing in there.  I asked on Facebook for everyone to pray that Baby was NOT modest so that we could view on the ultrasound the sex.  Even through the uncomfortable night, excitement was ringing through the entire Aleman household...

    

January Brings The Snow

Makes our feet and fingers glow...

     Before I begin our January, I need to fill in something from December.  I had mentioned that Hubs was trying to join the National Guard.  After our appointment confirming the pregnancy, either in that day or the next day's mail, he received a packet from the VA.  It stated that he had been found 70% disabled.  We now knew why it was taking so long to get the appointments for Raleigh set up.  The people on that end could see the VA claim was still pending, and we had no idea.  Hubs had to call his recruiter and let him know that he had indeed been found above 30% disabled.  The recruiter then had to "officially" inform him that he was no longer eligible for any military service.  While it was nice to know that we would be getting some sort of an income, it was frustrating to find out that what he had been depending on for our health care was no longer an option.  The more we talked about it, we decided it was a blessing in disguise because the unit he would have been stationed with was preparing for deployment early in 2013 and would be going on training exercises all summer and fall.  With a baby now on the way, Hubs admitted that he was feeling less reluctant about having to deploy. 
     Now on to January....
     As I left off before, we brought in the New Year with my parents in Fayetteville.  During our meal on the first, Momma asked everyone what their resolutions were.  When it got to me, I just grinned and said "My resolution is to survive the next 9 months!"  If only I knew how true that statement would become.
     We got home late afternoon on the first, and JJ had school the following day.  We also had plans for our dear friend Julie and her son Sheldon to come and visit us for the month.  Julie and Sheldon arrived on the third, bringing with them tons of wind and cold!  That first week of January was killer.  We all stayed bundled up and inside the house!  That first week back, Hubs and I also went to the Health Department to get me signed up for Medicaid and WIC.  We hated having to get assistance, but we knew that it was for something bigger than either of us.  I would need prenatal care to make sure that the baby was growing properly.  I had started taking a prenatal vitamin the day I took the home test, and I had been given a one month supply when we went to take the pregnancy test.  I continued to pray every night that the baby was healthy and that the pregnancy would go well.
     January 10th finally arrived!  Hubs and I went to the Health Department, and he had to wait in the lobby.  We weren't sure how the appointment would work.  When I had been pregnant with JJ, my first appointment consisted of an ultrasound that measured the baby, and we were able to hear the heartbeat.  I had assumed that would be what happened this time.   I did have to have a pelvic exam because it was time for my yearly exam.  The dr was super nice, and he told me that it looked like the November time frame of conception was correct, putting me at about 9 weeks along.  My blood pressure had been high (169/109) when they did my vitals.  The nurse redid the pressure manually on the other arm, and it was lower, but not by much.  I told her that my blood pressure had been high during my first pregnancy (but not THAT high), and that I was eventually diagnosed with pre-eclampsia in my third trimester.  The dr ordered an ultrasound for me and put in a referral for me to go to Maternal Fetal Medicine in Wilmington. 
     The ultrasound was scheduled for January 12th, so we waited again before going public on Facebook.  Our appointment wasn't until 4pm, but we had to arrive by 3:30pm.  I was also instructed to drink 40oz of water 30 minutes before my appointment because a full bladder made it easier to view the baby on the ultrasound machine.  We arrived at 3:20pm, and I already could tell I was going to have to pee soon.  I finished drinking my 40oz by 3:35pm.  We had signed in and were in the waiting room, with only a few people ahead of us (some were waiting for x-rays).  By 4:10, I had to stand up and move around because I had to pee so badly.  By 4:20pm, the receptionist gave me the instructions to pee until the count of 10 and stop.  I was in pain.  I went to the restroom and peed, and I ended up just emptying my bladder because trying to hold anything caused more pain.  I finished in the restroom, and as I walked out, I noticed Hubs standing with my stuff next to an ultrasound technician.  I apologized that I had an empty bladder, and the tech told me not to worry.
     We got to the little room, and I got comfy on the little bed.  Hubs had  a seat where he had a perfect view of the monitor.  I wasn't able to see anything.  There was no sound, so I didn't even get to hear a heartbeat.  Hubs did make the comment that the baby was far more devoloped than the first ultrasound that we had had with our son.  The tech said "Ya, there are little arms and legs...the heart is beating perfectly...and this baby is super active!"  I laughed and said that I had been feeling flutters everywhere, so that made me feel better to know I wasn't crazy.  He finally turned the screen for me to see, but he didn't turn it all the way, so I had to hold my head at an awkward position.  Trying to lay still and look sideways is not easy.  When I saw the baby, my heart filled with relief.  There is just something about not knowing before that first ultrasound that made me feel anxious.  I asked how far along I was, and the tech told me that the baby was measuring at 12 weeks and 1 day.  WOW!  That was really not what we were expecting!  I had actually been expecting to find out that I wasn't as far along as the dr had told me.  Then we found out that I was already at the end of my first trimester.  Our due date changed from August 13th to July 25th.  We were not offered a picture.
     After the ultrasound, I had been scheduled for some labwork.  I had also been ordered a 24 hour urine test to check for pre-eclampsia.  I was given the directions, and I asked "Do I come in on Saturday to turn back in the urine sample?"  The nurse said "I think someone will be here.  You can come by and see."  She didn't sound very sure that someone would be there on a Saturday, so I decided to wait until Monday.
     Hubs parents came to visit us Friday night and Saturday morning.  We exchanged Christmas presents and had a very good visit.  For those two days only, I had morning sickness throughout the day.  The rest of the weekend, we spent hanging out with Julie and Sheldon, having a great time.  Monday was MLK day, so we decided to wait until Tuesday.  Tuesday morning we headed back to the lab only to find out that the urine sample needed to be turned in withing 24 hours of my last void.  :sigh:  Why hadn't they told us that in the first place?  They gave me another pee jug, and we headed home.  I began the pee collection the next morning. 
     Thursday the 19th, we had a follow up appointment at the Health Department.  We had to go early that morning and turn in my pee collection and get more blood drawn.   They assured me that the results would be in by the time I had my 11am appointment at the Health Department.  We got to our appointment, and my blood pressure was 167/107.  Boo.  I went in and talked with a nurse and was able to hear the baby's heartbeat.  Sadly, the only thing I could think to say was "Man, I wish my husband could be in here;  we were told he would be able to hear the heartbeat the first time we listened to it."  The nurse wasn't very friendly.  Someone else came in and wrote me a presciption for blood pressure medication (labetalol), and they let me know that I would be seen at a dr out in town from now on.  I was also informed that my referral to Wilmington had gone through, and we would get a phone call later in the day letting us know when our appointment would be for.
     We made it home, exhausted.  Appointments always wear me out.  Rushing to the appointment so that we can wait forever.  Story of my life!  It wasn't that much longer once we got home that my phone rang, and it was a nurse letting me know when my appointment for out in town would be (January 25th) and when the appointment for Maternal Fetal Medicine would be (February 17th). 
     We called our family when we got home, and the next afternoon, we made the official Facebook annoucement:  JJ was going to be a big brother!!!  Baby Aleman was due to make a debut around July 25th :)  Our excitement was extremely contagious!!!
     Julie and her son were still visiting, and we were having such fun with them.  We were anxiously awaiting word that her husband was on his way home.  We played games on the Wii and on Facebook :)  We stayed pretty busy!
     The next Wednesday morning, Julie took JJ to school because our appointment was at 8am, and we had to be there 30 minutes early.  We arrived, got checked in, and settled in for the wait.  We actually didn't wait long before we were directed to the lab.  My blood pressure had come down in the (almost) week that I had been on the meds:  135/84.   Still not the best, but definitely lower than the previous week!  Hubs was able to be in the room with me, and the nurse checked the heartbeat.  She couldn't get it to register on the little machine, but she showed me that there was definitely a heartbeat.  It was reading 156 beats.  When the dr came in, she was able to find the heartbeat, and we were able to listen.  The baby was so incredibly active.  We could hear the sound moving in and out as the baby bounced around my belly.  The heartbeat was strong still at 156 beats.  We discussed our birth plan with the dr.  I wanted to deliver naturally, but because of my previous c-section with JJ, the dr wasn't sure that would be an option.  She said that we would keep our options open, but for me not to be surprised if another c-section was scheduled.  It made me sad, but I wanted to do whatever was needed to have a happy, healthy baby.  Our next appointment was scheduled for February 22nd.  I let her know about the appointment in Wilmington, and she said that would probably be the "big" ultrasound where we would find out the sex of the baby. 
     The rest of January could not pass quickly enough.  Hubs and I were awaiting our "big" ultrasound on February 17th, and Julie was awaiting the arrival of her hubby from his year long deployment.  There was MUCH excitement in the Aleman household.  Julie's hubby arrived home at the end of January :)  I felt the baby move all over the place, and I was so ready for Hubs and JJ to be able to feel the baby move when they touched my belly...