Spring Cleaning, Allergies, And My Boys

     Wow.  It has been so long.  I didn't mean to abandon this.  Do ya'll remember me?? LOL.
     Friday was such a big day.  For me.  For Hubs.  First, I got my maternity clothes packed away.  All except one shirt, but as soon as I come across it, it too will get packed.  I may have to recheck the bin to make sure I didn't get it in there absentmindedly.  I washed the ones that needed washing, and they were packed in the bin.  Not as many clothes as it seemed, but enough that they were everywhere, and now they are away.  Getting those put away and finally looking at the pictures were the two biggest steps that I needed to take...or at least I think they were.  I guess I'll find out, huh?
     Hubs interview went awesome!  He started out with brownie points because he even bothered to show up for the interview.  The two people scheduled before him never bothered to show up or call  to reschedule or anything.  In fact, his interview went so well, that he was able to have a second interview before he left.  It was for a seasonal job, but Hubs wants to do something until the call comes in for the job he really WANTS. 
     The positive interview really brightened his spirits.  Today's economy really bites, and even the "not-forever-job" kind of jobs are hard to get.  We decided to get some lunch, and  on the way, I started pointing out cloud shapes.  Hubs and I were giggling like little kids as I pointed out things...I saw a lobster with his pincers in the ready position.  I saw a whale with water spouting out.  I saw an alligator with his mouth wide open.  I saw the Snuggle bear hugging a pile of laundry.  I saw Perry the Platypus standing on a rock.  I wish I had my camera with me so that I could share the clouds.  I kept looking for more and more shapes.  (Friday was the day to cloud hunt.  It was before the rain, and there were clouds EVERYWHERE!)  I even saw a cloud that looked like JJ when he lies on his back with his arms crossed and one leg crossed over.  Like I said.  Hubs and I were cracking up.  Once we got to where we were having lunch, Hubs just bubbled over, telling me about his interview.  He could barely eat for talking.  He was sending a text to arrange a time to get Lydia on Saturday, and a call started coming through.  He picked up without meaning too because he didn't recognize the number; and thank goodness he did!  It was from the job he WANTED, scheduling an interview.  :whew:  And I thought he was bubbling over BEFORE that phone call. 
     After lunch, we headed to Target to pick up some more shelves (like the ones I used for my yarn) to go in the garage.  I am super serious about this spring cleaning stuff this year.  We are determined to get control of our clutter, reclaim our garage, our closets, our space.  The shelves are on sale, and there was only one set out.  We had an associate help us, and he went and got two more sets out of the back.  While we were standing in line, Hubs said that we were spring cleaning/organizing our garage, and the guy looked at him and said "Are ya'll hoarders or something?"  [Uhh...no...if we were hoarders, we wouldn't be able to organize.  It's a serious sickness that people have.  It made me think of a friend because we had recently talked about not being able to watch and entire episode of the TLC show Hoarders because it truly grosses us out. ]  So, I tell him, no, we just have a lot of stuff that's never been unpacked, and it's taking over our garage (because that is the truth.)  And now that Hubs is no longer in the military, we can't use the excuse of  "well, we'll just leave it in the box because we will move again in a year."  While we will definitely be making at LEAST one more move in our lives (when we buy a house), we don't think we'll be making that move for about a year.  :)  Now is the perfect time for the TRUE spring cleaning...purging...organizing.  Pinterest will definitely be of use to me as I look for inexpensive ways to organize and "create" more space.  (Don't be surprised if I steal some of your organizational ideas!)
     We left Target and headed to the school to pick up JJ.  JJ had such a good day at school, but he was so congested.  Pollen is our enemy.  Everything we love about spring is his enemy.  Poor kid is allergic to outside.  Trees, grass, pollen, weeds, ragweed...plus dust, cats, and dogs.  :sigh:  He loves to play outside, now that he has a friend across the street.  We are dealing with the congestion.  He sounds so miserable though.  I have been to walmart several times for sudafed, but they never have any.  And of course, because it's a control substance thanks to all the meth users, I have to go to the pharmacy to ask about it.  And of course, the same little old man is there working the register every.single.time.I ask about them having sudafed.  And he always tells me that they only get about 10 total boxes in on their shipments, and they are gone that day.  :sigh:  A lot of good that does JJ, right?
     So we've been able to turn the heat off and leave our front door open and the back sliding glass door open.  But only in our living room so that the pollen doesn't infest JJ's bedroom.  We are sitting around before dinner, and it is so hot.  Our house was 85*!!!!  JJ's been coughing a deep, rattly, asthmatic type of cough, so we shut the doors and flip on the AC to cool off the house.  We really have to watch his cough and his allergies or it causes his asthma to flare up. 
     The house finally cooled, and we watched Stuart Little 2.  Great family bonding time.  No pizza because we had gone to Cici's the night before.  Hubs grilled burgers and dogs, and I made a potato salad.  Yum.  That is all. 
     Hubs went out to close the grill and ended up walking around the house instead of coming back in the sliding glass door.  He called me to the front door to see something, and there was this brilliant bright green tree frog hanging out on the siding.  Be still my heart!

Of course, my camera does NOT do this little guy justice, but he was amazing.  For those that don't know, I love frogs.  All things frogs.  I collect frogs and frog stuffs.  LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!  I told Hubs I was going to catch him and keep him.  I got the "you're so crazy" look.  Then Mr. Tree Frog hopped to the corner and started catching the nasty skeeters.  I decided he was perfectly fine right where he was, eating all the bugs he wanted!
     OH  I forgot to mention.  When we got home from picking JJ up from school, there was a letter for Hubs in the mailbox.  It was another place requesting an interview!!!  (For the same job we got a call about at lunch, just a different location.  He was able to put in for three different locations and has heard back from two.  FINALLY.  In the same day.)  Did I mention that Friday was a really good day?
     Saturday was a mostly busy day.  Hubs and JJ went to pick up Lydia and brought her back to the house.  She was able to open her Christmas presents from Hubs' family.  She seemed to like everything.  Especially the huge pack of lip gloss.  We had to open so that she could put one on :)  Then we got everything packed in a bag and got loaded in the car.  We headed for the mall because that is where the dress that Maggie had liked best was...I had been roaming stores looking at the Easter stuff, sending her random pictures of different dresses...or dress stuff for JJ, trying to figure out what to get them for Easter and the wedding.  We found this amazing dress, and I didn't know what size to get...and I wanted Lydia to try it on because department store clothes fit differently.  We find the dress.  In the smaller sizes, they had 6, 8, and a 12.  Then they started at size 14 and went up from there.  I knew she wasn't an 8, but she also wasn't a 14.  I was thinking more of a 10.  I grabbed the 12, and off we head to the dressing room.  There is only ONE dressing room open.  With 2 stalls.  And 2 girls with out 30 different Easter dresses each.  And for every ONE that they try on, their mom brings in another 3.  :sigh:  So, Lydia and I get in line, and I send Hubs off in search of another dressing room.  He finally finds an associate who opens another dressing room.  We try the dress on...SCORE.  It was a little big, but I could tie the bow in the back tighter, and it gave plenty of room for growing in the next month.  I will share a picture after the wedding :)  Don't want to ruin any surprises!  I told Lydia that all we needed now was a pair of white shoes to go with the dress.  She said she was wearing a size 3, and they fit her and felt good, so we didn't need to measure her foot.  I told her we would probably measure anyway, just to be sure.  Off we head for lunch at Red Robin.  We had a very enjoyable time all together. After lunch, we head to the shoe store.  We have Lydia's foot measured, and it comes in at a size 4; the associate tells us to get a 4 1/2 so she has room to grow.  We try on several different styles in 4 1/2, but they are all way too big.  I can put 2 fingers in the shoe behind her heel.  I know her foot won't grow THAT much before the wedding, and I don't want her feeling like her shoe is going to fall off!  We tried on a size 4 shoe, and it fit very well.  Not too tight, but not slipping off when she walked either.  I was sad because I had found a style that was SO.PRETTY in the size 4 1/2, and they didn't have the same style in the smaller size.  We ended up getting the shoe we tried on, which was a similar style to the one I really liked.  It was pretty also, but I reeeaaallllly liked the bigger shoe.
     From the shoe store, we head to Target to do a little shopping.  We had decided as our Christmas present for Lydia, we would buy her several outfits for the wedding weekend.  I think overall, she was very excited with the clothes that she tried on.  She can't wait for the wedding so that she can wear all of her new stuff :)  While I was checking out, I sent Hubs and both kids to Pet Smart.  It started drizzling while we were inside.  When we left Pet Smart, they wanted to go into Gamestop, but I wanted to go to the car.  So, I sent Hubs and the kids in while I went to the car.  I was just tired.  It had been a busy day.  It was muggy outside because of the thunderstorms looming in the sky. It started raining pretty hard, and then Hubs and the kids were running towards the car.  Lydia's mom picked her up, and we headed home. 
     I really can't tell you what we did for the rest of the day.  I think we just hung out.  Hubs finished reading The Hunger Games.  I played games on the kindle after that.  We didn't stay up too late because we had to drive to Wilmington so that Hubs could get fitted for his tux for the wedding. 
     I woke up pretty early on Sunday and started reading Catching Fire.  The boys woke up, and we all got ready to head out.  We had decided to get breakfast out so that we had a good meal before travelling.  (JJ sometimes gets car sick, so we do what we can to make sure that he doesn't get sick...full belly, sprite or some sort of drink...and don't let him get too hot!)  I had talked with Hubs a bit about feeling anxious going to Wilmington.  It's our first time back since leaving the hospital.  While it may not seem like a huge thing, for me, it FELT like a ginormous thing.  The drive was fairly uneventful.  I did some reading, and JJ played his DS.  Then I let him play Angry Birds.  Around the point that I gave up the kindle, we passed the Hardees where Hubs and I stopped to get ourselves together before heading home that day.  I reached out and held Hubs hand for a long time.  I could feel the tears trying to come, but they never did.  We made it to the tux place.  While Hubs was getting fitted, JJ played Angry Birds, and I looked at the shirts and ties.  We got done and walked over to the bookstore.  JJ and I went to the kid section so that I could read him a couple of books, and then we decided it was time for lunch.  We drove to Zaxbys.  The food is great, but I forget how long it takes for your order to be ready.  And they were packed.  Boo.  The drive home, I read a couple chapters, and then I let JJ play Angry Birds again.  The kindle died right about the time we hit town.  I plugged it in once we got home, and then we all got in our comfy clothes.  The rain had started right before we got home...and it was NUTS.  It wasn't so bad once we were home though.  Only while we were driving, LOL...I finished Catching Fire and went straight into Mockingjay. 
     Monday, Hubs had an appointment, and I decided to leave right after he did and get some prescriptions filled for myself and JJ.  It didn't take as long as I had thought it would, so I had plenty of time to go sit at the school and read.  I got home and helped JJ with his homework, and then he got ready for karate.  Hubs was finishing up some schoolwork.  We went to Subway, talked with JJ's friend, and then headed out.  We got to the school, only to find a note taped to the door that they were having karate at a different location.  So, we look it up on the GPS, and off we go to find this other elementary school.  We get there just in time (we weren't late, the instructor pulled in behind us!).  Hubs gets JJ checked in, and then we head to get gas.  I go to read my book, and my story would not load.  It kept telling me it needed wi-fi (which it shouldn't need because the book is loaded, it's not a game.)  I ended up letting Hubs play Angry Birds, and I worked on a baby hat.  I had gotten a tiny loom to make hats for people who have situations like ours...where they have to deliver and are given a memory box with photos.  Our memory box includes a hat that the baby wore when presented to Hubs.  The hat didn't take long at all to finish.  For my first try at this size, I thought it was cute.  I will definitely have to work several before I figure out the correct number of rows needed.

I picked one of JJ's smaller toys as a model, then used the Flintstones glass to give you an idea of how small the hat is.       Today, I just did not feel motivated to get going at all!  I somehow got JJ ready for school, and Hubs got him there early to take his AR test.  He scored a 5/5!!!  We were being bums at home though.  Hanging out, just not motivated for anything.  I finished Mockingjay.  SUCH a great series!  We can't wait to watch the movie.  Hubs decided he was going to play video games.  I went to finally get dressed.  And the power goes out.  There is an outage in a fairly large area, so we hang out for a few minutes before leaving to pick JJ up from school.  The lights are out, the shopping center is out...Nuts.  People don't know how to drive around here anyway....The police were directing traffic.  We get on Piney Green and see a sign that says local traffic only.  We keep going because we are local and heading to pick JJ up from school.  No.  What the sign should have said is "Mandatory detour ahead.  Road closed."  We follow traffic, but we have no idea where we are headed.  The road goes on forever.  We finally end up on Old 30, and I say "OH!  We will come up by the guy with the hot dog stand."  It takes forever, but that is exactly where we come out.  We go to turn, and the policeman tells us that the road is only open to Hunter's Creek...which is where we needed to go.  We get to the school about 3:10, and there are no kids out anywhere.  They decided to keep all of the kids in their classes working on homework or whatever since the traffic was so backed up that the buses hadn't even arrived yet at the school.  Parents were going in to check out their kids, and it was a crazy process.  Hubs went in, and was gone forever it seemed.  Finally, it comes over the intercom to please take the car riders to their designated areas....this was about 3:20pm.  JJ and Hubs finally make it to the car, and off we go...the long way home.  Traffic was so ridiculous.  But there was no sense in getting crabby about it.  It wasn't going to change anything.  We tell JJ that the power is out, so once his homework is done, he should go out and play.  We notice that the shopping center has lights and the stop lights are working again.  We get home and still have no power.  But when I had called, the recording for outages said that the power should be back up between 5:30 and  6pm.  JJ got his homework done, and off he went to play outside.
     I grabbed some bags and a stack of papers and sat down to go through them..  I had four piles:  shred, recycle, keep and trash.  Most everything went into the shred or recycle (all of the shred ended up in the recycle); only the staples,  or plastic parts of the envelopes went into the trash.  We had schoolwork from kindergarten, stuff from first grade....we even had our lease from the apartment we had in Georgia.  The box was almost completely gone through.  Hubs went through and got the trash stuff out.  There is only small stuff in the bottom now.  Tomorrow after my appointment, we are going to re look at what is in the bottom and find new homes for everything.  One box down!!!  I never know where to start and end up starting everywhere and nowhere looks "done."  We've mostly done the dining room now, so I think I will finish in there and then tackle the garage.  I think once that is gone through, then the stuff from the other rooms that needs to go out in the garage will have a home, not just thrown on top of the current stuff residing all over.  I will definitely take before and after pictures.  I have no clue how long this will take.  We have boxes that have been following us around since we were first married that I'm not sure have ever been completely unpacked.  The good news for today is that one box is 99% completed, the shredding is 100% completed, and everything that can be, is in the recycling bin.  I know this week and probably next week our recycling is going to be over flowing.  But for tonight...our house is breathing a little easier....

I'm Making Progress

Random thoughts:

1.  I love my kindle fire.  I was a bit skeptical when the kindles first became all the rage because I like holding an actual book.  I still like holding a "real" book, but I think for travelling purposes, the kindle is awesome.  Now I don't have to pack an extra bag just for my books.  I also have wi-fi, so when we stop for meals, I can check facebook, if I feel the desire to do so.  I love the games.  I'm also enjoying The Hunger Games (finally!)

2.  The purple box is still mocking me.  I want to open it; I really do.  I want to see my baby.  I must take baby steps though.  First, I will get my maternity clothes packed away.  Then we will see.  It's only been a month.  Not really that long in the big scheme of things. 

3.  Early release days at school drive me nuts.  Not because I'm not happy to see JJ sooner; I just feel rushed my entire day.  Four hours of school is crazy.  Today we have to return our books to the library, and I think we are going to get those extra bins from walmart (if they have anymore!)  I SOOO hope they have more so that I can get the rest of my yarn put away.

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     We survived Wednesday.  We made it to the library, but not to Walmart.  We went to Walmart on Thursday.  I found the two extra bins I needed (thankfully they had restocked!!), and we had to buy a kite for JJ because today is kite day at school...or at least for his class.  We had to choose between Cars, Spiderman, and Transformers.  Normally, I would have just gotten Cars because he still loves any and all things Cars, but Hubs thought we should get Transformers since that is his new favorite cartoon on the hub.  He'd have been happy either way, LOL, but we got the Transformers.  Hopefully it is a breezy day so that the kids can get their kites in the air.  We had also run to CVS and the post office, but then we headed home.
     Now, I don't know if I am trying to get a cold or if I am having a reaction to the pollen.  I've been sneezing like crazy, and I am super congested.  I can't blow my nose, but it will randomly start dripping.  Gross, I know.  I've taken my temperature because I feel warm to myself, but the thermometer says normal temp.  I had a bit of a headache yesterday afternoon, but I have no idea if it was a sinus headache or what. 
     When we got home, I was able to get the two bins filled with my yarn, which left me two bins completely empty.  I decided to use one for all things crochet and knitting: my needles and hooks, books and printed out patterns, and my looms.  The other is for "all other" craft items:  ribbons, glue, pompoms, scrap booking stuff.  It feels super good to have it all in one central location instead of all over the house.  And not taking over my closet.  So, I have one wall organized now, LOL.  Our boardgames are all together, and my crafting needs are all together.  I have two huge empty bins now (that were in my closet and possibly will return there but filled with clothes instead of yarn) that I am going to put my winter stuff in and my maternity clothes.  Today is the day.  I know that I can do this.
     Hubs left to pick up JJ from school while I was getting some last minute things on the shelves, so I stayed home.  I sat down to take a breather, and I looked at the purple memory box, and I knew it was time.  I grabbed it before I could change my mind, and I opened it.  I sat for just a moment staring at the contents, and then I slowly began to remove everything.  The folder with the pictures was at the very bottom, so I took that out, opened it, and removed the envelope.  I stared at the date written "2/20/12" and thought about all that has happened since then.  Then I opened the envelope.  The pictures were face down, so I could have changed my mind, but I took a deep breath and flipped them over.  I went slowly through the pictures.  My heart was very sad; as I sat there looking, I could help but think what might have been...and I couldn't help but think that Baby Aleman was beautiful and would have grown up to be just as beautiful as JJ.  But I didn't fall apart.  It didn't make me want to curl up in the bed, under the covers, and never leave.  That's what I had been afraid of:  if I looked at the pictures, it would be a setback for me instead of a step forward.  But it wasn't a setback.  Looking at the pictures, I knew I had made the right decision by not viewing the body while at the hospital.  I would have wanted to hold the baby, and I don't know that I could have let go when the time came.  As I was looking through the pictures, I was amazed by how developed the baby was.  I was also amazed that the body was NOT bloated looking;  I'm not sure I think it had even been a week.  There were little hands and little feet, complete with fingers and toes.  The skin was thin, for being so young, but otherwise, the baby was beautiful.  The baby was just small, and for whatever reason, died.  I didn't have a miscarriage because my body held on to the baby.  The baby died in the womb, and I still had to deliver.
     Hubs and JJ got home, and they got started on homework.  JJ went to play outside, and Hubs was reading book one of The Hunger Games.  (AWESOME read, by the way, if you feel the need to pick it up, borrow it, whatever.)  I played games on Facebook for a bit, then it was time to get JJ in and cleaned up so that we could go to Cici's for dinner.  They were having another give back night, where they get part of the proceeds if we mention the school when ordering.  JJ was happy to see several kids from his school.  We went to Catos afterwards so that I could get a top to wear for Easter and for the wedding.
     Once we got home, it was a rush to get JJ ready for bed, medicated, teeth brushed, and hugs and kisses.  He got to bed, and Hubs and I sat in the living room together.  I hadn't told him yet that I had looked at the pictures, so I told him.  He was surprised that I had done it by myself instead of waiting until he could be with me; I told him that it was just something I needed to do on my own and that I was ok.  We talked about the pictures for a bit, and then he continued reading The Hunger Games, and I played on the computer.
     I talked with my Person for a little while, but I needed to get to bed.  As it is, it was 12:30am when I finally went to bed.  Hubs has a job interview this morning, so please say a prayer or two that it goes well.  While we are doing well with what we have, a full-time job would be awesome!
     If you can spare an extra prayer for me, please do.  Today is the "big" day.  I'm packing away maternity clothes; finally closing that chapter.  I am still healing.  Baby steps. 

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Skies are blue...

     Yesterday, Hubs and I spent most of the day out.  We went to Target for shelves.  We had seen some in the Sunday sales papers while at Momma's, and I wanted to see them in person.  We liked them, so we picked up one wide set and one narrow set.  We may go back for a smaller set later.  From Walmart, we went to Lowe's so that Hubs could check out the weed eaters, then we headed to Staples.  I had decided that I wanted a kindle and wanted to pick one up.  We got one, along with a pretty purple case, an amazon gift card, and a warranty.  I told Hubs it would be my gift for the next three years.  :)  I am so excited.  I couldn't wait to get home so that I could plug it in to charge and search for books and different games.             
     We went to walmart next to get some storage bins for my new shelves.  One set is for boardgames; the other set is for my crafting stuff (read: ALL MY YARN).  We had been gone all day, and it was time to head to pick up JJ.  We stopped at kmart to get the weed eater that Hubs wanted, along with an extension cord, then headed to the school to pick up JJ.
     Mondays are always hectic because of karate.  JJ could not get going on his homework, and we were having to keep on him.  He finished and just had time to get changed into his uniform and his new karate shoes.  We went to Subway and saw his friend :)  Last week, she had some dental work done, and we had made her a get well card while we ate dinner.  Yesterday, when we walked in, she handed JJ a thank you card.  :)  He was so happy.  He had diarrhea of the mouth the entire time we were ordering.  Just talking talking talking...about what he had done at school, playing with his friends, going to Grammie's house over the weekend...anything that could pop into his head, he told her about.  She was laughing so hard at him at how excited he was.  You'd have thought he had just eaten a bucket of chocolate.  It was NUTS.
     On the way home from karate, there was a rainbow in the sky.  It seemed to follow us the entire way.  It was a nice reminder of God's Promises.  He will always be there for me.  He will always love me.  He will always take care of me.  He will do the same for anyone...
     Today, my plan had been grand.  1. Have Hubs get the shelves together.  2.  Get stuff on the shelves.  3.  Pack maternity clothes away.  It's the first day of Spring-time for spring cleaning and organization...time to take control of the clutter.  Hubs got the shelves together.  Check.  I put boardgames on the narrow set.  On the second set, I filled four of the six bins with yarn.  I realized we need at least two more bins, so I put a halt on the rest of the yarn sorting.  That's the reasoning I used anyway.  Really, I knew that when the tub I had the majority of the yarn in was empty, I was going to use it to put away all of my maternity clothes.  I have maternity clothes E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E.  I have them in my closet.  I have them in the dresser in the guest room.  I have them in a pile on the floor outside of my closet.  Anywhere they were before February 17th, they have remained.  I have avoided them like the plague, yet they stare at me.  Mocking me.  It's time for them to get put away.  For real this time.  Yet, I couldn't bring myself to finish the yarn sorting so that I could get this done. 
     The whole spring cleaning/purging is hard for me this year.  We had such grand plans for getting the nursery ready and making sure that we had room for Baby Aleman and all of the new stuff that would include.  We were going to move JJ to the guest room and turn his current bedroom into the nursery.  In fact, when Julie was here, we moved JJ's bed to the guest room so that part was already done.  It was just a matter of moving everything out of the closet of the guest room and moving all of JJ's clothes and toys into the "new" room.  Then we were going to put all of our baby paraphernalia into the room so that we could see everything we had and what else we would need.  We had already dug most of the stuff out of the back of the garage and put it either in the living room or the front of the garage for easy moving.  JJ is still sleeping in the guest room.  We are getting him a new bed to put back in his old bedroom.  Hubs and I decided against switching rooms; I didn't want an empty nursery...even if the plans have changed, and it's no longer the nursery but the guest room...just keep things the same.  Hubs and I have been saying for a month now that we need to grab a box from the garage and just start going through it.  I can't speak for Hubs, but for me, I haven't wanted to because it just hurt too much.  Holding on to stuff isn't helping me though.  We took the first steps today;  we got the shelves up and the boardgames and my yarn (mostly) sorted.  We will get the extra bins.  I will finish the sorting.  I will get the maternity clothes put away.  We'll get the new bed, and JJ can reclaim his bedroom.  And slowly, box by box, we'll get through everything.  My recycling bin is half full from clearing old papers; my shred bag is getting full, so I will sit down and get the shredding done.  A bag of trash went out today.  Already the house is breathing a little easier because that is a little more stuff that is no longer adding to the clutter.  We will take charge of our lives.  We will get control of the clutter.  We will continue to heal.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."  Matthew 5:4
    

Has It Really Only Been A Month?

     This weekend was super busy; it kept me from thinking too much.  Friday, we drove to Momma's house to spend the weekend.  We had to find JJ an Easter/wedding outfit.  (Remember the one I wanted was too small?)  Friday we just hung out, had tacos for dinner, worked on some hats, and spent time visiting.
     Saturday was St. Patty's day...we all had our green on.  (My Friday nail painting session even included me painting my tips green and sparkly!)  We stayed super busy, and I am so thankful for that.  We went to Hammricks, Kohls, Target, and ended up back at Walmart.  We found a suit we mostly liked at Hammricks; only it was pinstriped, and we really wanted plain black.  They had another one with an orange shirt (go Clemson!) but the pants were brown.  JJ really wanted the orange one.  So, we put the pinstriped on hold and continued shopping.  We went to Kohls but found nothing.  The pants in the size he wears at walmart...would not even fit him.  Can you believe the clothes at Kohls are made smaller?  I didn't think anyone made their clothes smaller than walmart.  We went to Target.  I don't normally shop at Target.  The clothes there were made a bit smaller as well, BUT the pants we had to get had the adjustable waistband.  So even though we had to get him a bigger size than normal, we had to pull it tight on him.  The length was crazy long on him though.  We got the black dress pants and some shorts.  Off we head to walmart.  We ended up finding a green shirt with a tie (which is what I had wanted all along!), so we bought that.  We had also gone to the shoe store, and JJ got three new pairs of shoes.  I couldn't remember if his current dress shoes still fit him, so we bought another pair.  Plus we got him a pair of slip on canvas shoes for karate and a new pair of tennis shoes.  He was so pumped.  We finally headed home after being gone all day;  it was 2:30pm!  At home, Momma started dinner, and we sat around working on hats, talking...just hanging out.  I didn't want to sit still...I needed to keep my mind off of everything.  I didn't want to talk about it though, so I never mentioned to anyone, although I can't imagine that no one else thought about it.  Dad came home, and we all hung out.  Dinner was early:  yummy St. Patty's day meal-corned beef brisket, steamed cabbage, potatoes, and carrots.  We weren't sure JJ would eat it; he proved us wrong.  He LOVED the corned beef.  Hubs and I had plans to visit with my honorary big sister that evening, so we set a time and headed over around 7.  We ran our mouths all evening.  We didn't leave until 11:30pm.  I was pretty tired, so I was sure that when we got home, I would fall right asleep.  I got ready for bed and got snuggled in, but then my brain started working overtime.  Has it really only been a month since that life-changing ultrasound?  Am I going to think about this the 17th of every.single.month?  So much has happened in the last 30 days.  Thoughts were just running through my head over and over.
     Sunday morning, I think we were the last ones to wake up.  I felt like I had been run over.  I know I slept, but because my mind was working overtime, I kept waking up.  For silly things.  One time, I opened my eyes (around 5:30am or so) and heard the rain.  Then I thought "Did I set my alarm to go off at 6:30?  Do I need to check it or will Hubs alarm go off at 7:00 so we aren't late waking up JJ for school.?"  I actually sat up in bed, then saw the outline of the window and realized we weren't even home!  It was only Sunday, and we were still at Momma's house. 
     We went to lunch with my parents and Grandmutter.  At home, Grandmutter, Momma, and I watched JJ play some games on the Wii.  I kept dozing on the couch.  I finally went to make sure that our stuff was packed and mostly ready for whenever we decided to leave.  We laughed at the antics of Anabel and Sam.  We left around 5pm to head home.  We said our good-byes and headed off.  We listened to our story.  We are halfway through the final disc (disc 16!)  I am so glad that we are going to be finished this week so that we can return it to the library.  We had a good trip home.  Traffic wasn't too bad and we didn't run into any rain.    
     I played on some games;  I didn't want to start writing this, and then go to bed.  I figured I should get it all out in one sitting.  They were having a Harry Potter-thon on tv.  (de-ja-vu, anyone?)  We watched the ending of Goblet of Fire, and then it went straight into Half-Blood Prince.  At 9, I had told Hubs he could have the computer for schoolwork.  I felt restless.  I started trying to crochet but ended up pulling it all out.  All I could think of is that things were almost the exact same as they had been one month ago.  Only I was at home.  And I was no longer pregnant.  And I had already gone through this nightmare once.  I wish I could hit a rewind button and watch my life as it happened and figure out what went wrong, so I could change it.  I still lie in bed some nights and wonder if it was something that I could have helped if I had known.  I try not to;  I know it will just make me crazy.  It's the reason we declined an autopsy.  I was afraid if they found nothing wrong, then it would make me crazy for the rest of my life trying to find out why and what had happened.
     I ended up going to bed to read a bit, and this quote at the end of the first chapter says it best:  You never know how strong you can be until strong is the only choice you have.

...

     I did NOT want to wake up;  I am not used to waking up after having so little sleep the night before.  I would do it all over again to talk to my Person :)
     After getting JJ off to school, Hubs and I were eating breakfast and watching tv when my phone rang.  It was my OB calling to touch base with me, let me know how some of my bloodwork came back from the last appointment, and to find out when I was seeing the hematologist again.  Last week, they took blood to test numerous things, one of which was my insulin levels or my glucose...I don't know.  It was something to check if I needed to do a 2 hour diabetes glucose test.  My hemoglobin came back at 5.something...6.something is full blown diabetes.  She told me I was pre-diabetic, but she felt that with some weight loss, I would be able to nip that in the bud.  My next appointment is at the end of the month; we will see then if I need to continue the blood pressure meds (I'm suspecting I will need to stay on them until I lose another 30 pounds at least.)
     The rest of the day was spent relaxing and doing a whole lot of nothing because I had an appointment at 1:40pm.  That appointment went well.  My blood pressure was up, but my temp was normal this time.  I had lost a pound from the week before.  And my platelet count was up.  Last week it had been 47k; this week it was 60k.  The dr wanted to have me come back in two weeks to check my platelets again, and then see her again in four weeks.  She's hoping that my platelets will continue to increase on their own without the need for steroids.  Please continue to pray that my health continues to improve!!!
     I honestly can't tell you what happened the rest of the day.  I know I cooked dinner, and I know that Hubs and I hung out in the living room after JJ went to bed.  The main part of my day was the phone call from the OB and the results of the hematology appointment.
     Today, we spent the day mostly out.  I finally went and got measured for a bra :cringe:  It actually wasn't as traumatizing as I had led myself to believe it would be.  I was wearing the right cup size, so that didn't go up, thank goodness.  I just had to find a bra with better support.  I ended up with a new outfit as well, but I am contemplating returning it.  I didn't really need a new outfit; I only went in for bras.  We went and got Hubs two pairs of shoes.
     I finished that book, What We Do For Love.  It ended up being really good, even though I teared up quite often while reading.  I could see lots of things that I do, but then I could see things that I hope I never do.  I am trying not to shut anyone out.  Sometimes I just don't want to talk about things.
    

It's Like Rain On Your Wedding Day

It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take...
Who would've thought...it figures
~Alanis Morissette, Ironic

     It's just been that sort of day.  I worked on a hat, then Hubs and I went to walmart to return/exchange JJ's Easter outfit.  I was hoping for one size larger, but they didn't carry the outfit any larger (that I could find, and we went to the other walmart just to be sure.)  Thankfully I still had the receipt, so we returned it (and it was so stinkin' cute) and decided that we would  just let him wear an outfit he already has for Easter.   He just needs a tie.
     From walmart, we went to Burger King to grab some lunch (since we were already out).  We decided to go to the mall to see if they had any boy Easter outfits.  Of course, they didn't.  Well, they did, but they stopped at a size 6.  For the older boys, you had to buy everything separate, and that was just too expensive at a department store.  His dress pants that were too big on him at the beginning of the school year are almost too small on him now.  I'll probably let Momma take a gander this weekend and then decide if he needs new pants or not.
     We decided to go ahead and pay the cable bill since we were right across the street.  I went in, and of course, only two people were working, and there were ten people in line.  I waited because the bill needed to be paid, but dang were they slow.  Thankfully, there were only two customers that really needed help; the rest were there to pay the bill or turn in equipment. 
     We went from there to get JJ from school.  We listened to our story; it's getting really crazy now :)  I already have recommendations for what to read next; I can't wait!  JJ did his homework, although he really just wanted to go outside and play.  He was only able to play for about half an hour because we had a give back night at Chilis that we had decided to go to already.  I was glad we left early because it wasn't crowded, and I didn't feel rushed.  JJ saw two teachers from his school.  He was all smiles. 
     Our dinner was really good.  We had great conversation and laughs;  I do love my boys!  But I also felt as if the Fates were mocking us.  We were in a back section of the restaurant, and every table around us had a baby.  Babies of all ages.  And they were all so cute.  And we waved and talked to most of them because that's just what most people do to cute kids.  And I was ok...until I saw JJ playing peek-a-boo with this huge grin.  I asked what he was doing, and he said "Playing peek-a-boo with the babies.  I love playing with babies.  They are soooo cute!"  And I could see the longing in his eyes.  I looked at Hubs and felt my shoulders sag.  I felt so helpless and defeated.  He gave me a sad smile, and I returned it...and we watched JJ interact with the babies.  When it was time to leave, I turned around and saw the baby...the new baby...in the carrier facing Hubs.  I thought I would lose it right there.  I turned around and said "I am SO sorry.  I didn't know that you were facing a new baby the whole time."  We talked about it in the car...but before that, JJ's friend from across the street had come by to say hi...so when we left, we went by their table to say bye.  It was cute, how happy JJ was to see his friend.
     We made it through our evening.  Hubs worked on school stuff, JJ got ready for bed, and I worked on my hat.  Once JJ was in the bed, we watched Biggest Loser.  I still worked on my hat.  Hubs and I talked about what happened in Chilis.  I told him the Fates were mocking us...we were surrounded by babies of all ages...and then that newborn baby staring right at Hubs. I told him how I thought I was okay until JJ started playing with them.  I said "He wants to be a big brother so badly."  And I cried.  Hubs came and grabbed me in a huge hug, and I held on for dear life. 
     Life is so dang unfair sometimes.  I just feel like screaming and throwing things around.  Then I stop and reconsider and think "Maybe I'll just throw soft things so I don't cause any real damage to anything."  Throwing things won't help; not really.  Maybe for that second it will relieve some of the frustration, but it won't make me feel any better.
     I was able to talk to my Person for several hours.  With everything that's happened, it's been over a month since my Person and I have talked.  (Hey now, don't hate.  If Meredith Grey can have a Person, so can I.)  We talked about everything.  Life in general, books, hair, dealing with grief, books.  My Person is A.W.E.S.O.M.E.  I don't tell her enough; she listened, then distracted, then listened some more.  It was way too late when I went to bed, but I felt like I had dropped a load off of my shoulders.  I told her that I was so lucky to have Hubs and JJ because I knew they were what helped me keep on keepin' on.  Sometimes it's a chore, but when I see the boys smile, it's completely worth it.

  "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and sings it back to you when you have forgotten how it goes."  ~Author Unknown

  "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another:  What!  You too?  I thought I was the only one."  ~C.S. Lewis

  "To the query, 'What is a friend?' his reply was 'A single soul dwelling in two bodies.'"~Aristotle

Catching up

*This is Sunday and Monday.  I had Sunday's written, just never got around to posting...so I decided to combine the two days.

    I woke up at what seemed regular time;  it was only a half hour later than I usually wake up.  8am.  I sat down and finished Saturday's blog entry, loaded pictures to the computer and got another post done with the pictures that I have been promising to share.  I felt very productive.  That is possibly the most productive thing I managed to accomplish the entire day.
    The book I had been reading was about this shopaholic pregnant lady.  When I finished that book, right away I started another;  just something I do, and after the pregnant lady book, I needed something new to get my mind off of that.  It was a murder mystery called Weddings Can Be Murder.  It was really good!  It was about a serial killer.  I read the whole book.  Thankfully, I will have two more books from the library.  One is by an author Tami Hoag.  I normally LOVE her writing, but after reading the serial killer book, I decided to go for the other book.  It's called What We Do For Love.  (Now, you must know.  I pick books randomly at the library.  Sometimes, I just go to a section and grab a title that catches my attention...one time that book was Eat, Knit, and Die Young.  Sometimes I grab a book because I know I have read an author and know that I like just about anything by that person.  I grab books because their cover photo is intriguing.  Sometimes I actually read the back or the inside cover flap, but not usually.)  So, this book...I must have grabbed because the title sounded interesting...like a good romance, and I haven't been reading a lot of those lately.  I was crying in the first chapter.  I went back and read the inside flap, and it made me wonder if I should have just left the book in my bag.  It's a book chosen before everything happened, so it's quite possible that I DID read the flap and just forgot about it after the last few weeks we've had.  I renewed everything online this last time so that I wouldn't have to just return the books without reading them.  The first two chapters of the book were about this couple that had been trying to have kids...she'd had 2 miscarriages...they had decided to adopt.  The agency set them up with someone...and for the last 6 months of pregnancy, they went with her to every appointment, decorated a nursery...everything.  The girl goes into labor and at the hospital decides she wants to keep the baby.  After that, the couple gets pregnant (completely unexpected) and she carries to term...only to have the baby and she passed away when she was a few days old.  :sigh:  Now the couple is getting divorced because she didn't know how to deal with her grief.  She shut down and forgot about her husband and his grief.  When she finally realized (years had gone by) and it was too late.  :whew: 
     Now...Hubs and I have a fabulous relationship.  He is my best friend.  We talk about this and are going through this together.  He lifts me up, and I do my best to lift him up.  I know that it's actually very common for that to happen after a tragedy.  We both believe in our wedding vows.  In sickness and in health.  In good time and in bad.  Til Death do we part.  As long as we both shall live.  Every single word spoken at our wedding:  the truth.  Before we married, I told him to make SURE that he knew that *I* was the one he wanted to spend the.rest.of.his.life.with because I believed in til death do us part, as does he.  I know I've said before, but I feel it needs to be said again.  I hate that we have to go through this, but I can't imagine having to go through it with anyone else but Hubs. 
     Dang.  I skipped over the whole rest of my day.  I started talking about the books...really, the rest of my day was pretty boring.  I felt like I was battling the eating all day (and not so sure that I was winning)...the weather was beautiful, but I never managed to get out of my pj's.  We were all bums until the little boy across the street asked if JJ could come outside to play.  He jumped up and said "let me get dressed!" and played outside for a while.  We did watch Honey I Shrunk The Kids on hub.  We also watched National Treasure and Forrest Gump on TNT.  I played Facebook games; Hubs wrote a paper.  We laughed at JJ every time we hugged because he would come flying out of nowhere and proclaim "I want to be part of the family hug!  Don't leave me out!!!"  He's a mess.  He wedges himself between us and wants to be smooshed in the middle.  At one point, JJ asked me when we were going to hug again, and I said "Eww.  I don't want to hug him.  Gross."  And JJ busted out laughing and said "whatever Momma.  You're being crazy."  Ahh.  He knows me so well :)  (I absolutely LOVE hugs...I'm definitely a huggy-kind-of-person.)
     Monday,  I got up with JJ to get him ready for school.  After Hubs took him and I had breakfast, I decided to work on some hats.  I finished one I had been working on then started another.  I finished that one, then decided to take a break.  I enjoy yarn work, but lately, I've had trouble focusing when I'm working on my own.  When I've gone to Momma's and sat and talked to her while working on a project, it gets done super fast (so it seems)...Hubs and I made a point to eat an early lunch because it was karate night.  We leave at 4:30 to go to Subway and get dinner before JJ's class so that he has time to eat, and then we go to karate class.  It doesn't end until 6:45pm, and then we head home.    Hubs got a call that his library book was in, so we decided to go during karate.  (I wasn't sure we would have enough time, but he checked the mileage and said we would have plenty of time.  He was right.)  After lunch, I started another hat, but only worked a few rows.  I decided to watch something on Netflix; it finished, and it was time to get JJ from school.  Off we went, listening to our story.  We are finally on disc 12 of 16!  Yay.  We might actually finish by the time they are due back to the library this time.  We are on our final checkout, so if we don't finish, we have to turn the cd's back in anyway.  :sigh:
     At Subway, JJ's friend wasn't there because she was recovering from having her wisdom teeth removed.  Her manager gave us a paper and pen so we could make her a get well card.  :)  I wrote the words, and JJ signed...then he drew a little picture.  It was really cute.  His people's fingers looked more like something from Freddy Krueger, but they all had 5 :)  We made it to karate early.  Hubs got JJ checked in, and then we were able to leave early for the library (made me feel better!)  We listened to our story on the way to the library.  Hubs turned in his book and three of mine; we listened to our story on the way back to karate. 
     When I first read the Twilight series, my sister asked me if I was Team Edward or Team Jacob.  She would ask me after each book.  I couldn't decide.  After the first book, I loved her with Edward.  In the second book, I could totally see her and Jacob together...I wasn't sure how I felt at the end of that book.  By the fourth book, I felt that the series ended the way it was supposed to, the way it was written.  But I never really fell into Team Edward or Team Jacob.  Then a friend of mine posted on Facebook that she was Team Charlie, and I was hooked.  Right then, I knew that I too was Team Charlie.  I told this to Hubs, and he couldn't understand why I picked Charlie over Edward and Jacob.  Last night, after we returned home from karate, he told me that he understood why I was Team Charlie, and he agreed.  :)  Now, I don't expect Hubs to fall over himself to watch the movies with me, but I enjoy when we have something that's "ours."  We read Harry Potter together before Deathly Hallows Part 1 came out.  We had both read the series on our own, but we decided to reread it, together.  I read the entire series out loud to him.  It was great bonding time. 
     We watched The Voice.  I don't really enjoy the battle part as much as I enjoyed the auditions.  Cee-Lo and his cat still crack me up.  I didn't watch the final battle.  I was so tired.  I headed to bed, thought I would read a few minutes, and then get some sleep.  I started reading and had some teary moments.  As hard as it is to read about this woman's pain, I think it is good for me.  Her and I will take this journey together, and hopefully, by the end of the book, she is able to find healing.  I'm not perfect; I'm not healed...but I'm healing.  I don't know how long it will take or if the ache will ever go away.  But I am healing.  I can laugh with my family.  I know that this emptiness is not forever.  I continue to thank God for Hubs and JJ.  I know they are a crucial part of my healing.

  "Jesus said, 'Do not let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God; trust also in me.' " John 14:1

 "A broke heart becomes a lamp of fire when we allow God to breathe on it and warm us with his life."

  "If things are tough, remember that every flower that ever bloomed had to go through a whole lot of dirt to get there."

  "Regret will not prevent tomorrow's sorrows; it will only rob today of its strength.  So keep on believing.  With Jesus you do not have a hopeless end but an endless hope!"

Pictures!

FINALLY!  :)

(From Maggie and Chris.  Beautiful tulips that had been delivered shortly before we arrived home from the hospital.  This picture was taken after three or four days.)

Roses from the Dunn family.  The yellow teddy bear is for JJ to have to always remember the baby.  When he found out, he wanted the bear to be put on his bed with his other "special" animals.

JJ in the bounce house at Little M's birthday party

Friday, a friend had posted about how crazy the moon looked (in MS!), and I went outside to check it out.  I had to come back and get my boys and the camera....

I hope you enjoy!

Saturday Extravaganza

     Even though we went to bed late last night (Friday nights are no bedtime nights), I was up by 7:30am.  I ventured to the front so that I could play some games for a little while.  Hubs was up not long later.  JJ slept int til almost 9!  Sleepyhead! :)
     Hubs offered to cook breakfast: cheesy eggs and grits.  I also made some toast, and JJ ate a cutie with his breakfast.  He LOVES them because "they are easy to peel and have no seeds, Momma!"  (In case you don't know, cuties are small oranges...clementines, I guess they are called.  They taste like oranges...)
     JJ caught up on some episodes of Transformers that Daddy recorded for him during the week.  I did some reading, but I just can't get into this book.  I'm almost halfway through, and it's a chore for me to read.  I will probably pull the bookmark out and grab the next book in the library bag.  I think I have another murder mystery.  Those seem to be my faves lately.
     I took a shower and got dressed...even put on some makeup :SHOCK:  I haven't worn makeup in ages.  I had just started putting a little bit on every day, even if it was just lip gloss when everything happened.  I haven't worn makeup since.  I've been putting moisturizer on (because I've been battling dry skin...and it's a good routine to have anyway to help your skin...) but nothing else...
     We are taking JJ to Golfin' Dolphin today.  HE.IS.SO.EXCITED.  He has already requested a red golf ball.  Hubs and I decided yesterday we needed to do something out as a family; we've been hermits on the weekends, and we need to get out of that.  It makes it hard on Monday to get back into any sort of routine.  So, we are off to spend the day golfing, possibly bowling, probably arcading.  It seems like a fun thing to do.  We are also going to stop by the river walk on the way to feed our old bread to the seagulls and fish :)
     The seagulls were most happy with our old bread!  We even saw a few pelicans fly overhead, but they didn't stop to join the party.  I took pictures.  I will load them right now!  My poor camera is so full.  I will do a separate post with the past pictures I have been meaning to post.  (The bulk of them will be loaded to FB though.)

Running to the gazebo because he had seen geese through the viewfinder.  He's hoping that they will turn around when he starts throwing bread.

The seagull party.

     After we finished throwing all the bread, we drove to the Golfin' Dolphin.  We stopped first for lunch and then began our Saturday extravaganza.  We decided to go putt-putt first;  JJ really had no concept at first.  He wanted to push to ball along with his putter while he ran after it.

Then Hubs made him really watch what he (Hubs) was doing, so that he would have a better time at golfing.

     After really studying what Daddy was doing, he started having a bit better luck.  He even made some of the shots within par.  After the first 9 holes,  JJ and Daddy were tied with 29;  I was close behind with a 32.

After finding out that he was tied for first, JJ started really trying.  Here, he is checking the direction of the wind.  (Yes.  He seriously did this.  Randomly.  Even though the wind was obviously blowing in a certain direction, he stuck his finger in his mouth, held it up, and then said 'ok, the wind is going that-a way!')

I can't decide what he was doing here.  I think he was giving Daddy the stink eye, trying to make him do badly so he (JJ) would 'win' this hole.  Overall, putt-putt was so much fun.  Even though it was windy, the sun was out, and it was a beautiful day.  I think the sunshine did me a world of good!!  In the end,  JJ lost, by 10 strokes.  His second half wasn't as good as his firsts, and we had a 5 putt stroke limit.  Hubs and I ended up tying.  My second half was AWESOME!  (26!)...and Hubs' wasn't as awesome...but it let us tie :) 
     We went in the pro shop to turn in our putters and get some Gatorade.  We then headed in to go bowling.  We walked through the arcade part and decide to play some games first.  Now, we have never played video games here, so we assumed we would either need tokens or quarters.  No.  We had to purchase a "gaming card" which keeps track of our money and the tickets that we've earned.  It was pretty nice actually.  We loaded $20 because you got an extra $5 as a bonus.  The boys were able to share the card.  JJ played mostly.  Then they found the racing games.  They each played on a motorcycle game seperately.  JJ played a car game.  He came in 2nd, then he came in 3rd.  THEN they went around a corner and found the NASCAR game.  JJ played and came in 17th.  I figured for his first NASCAR race, he did pretty well, considering he kept trying to run the other racers over like in MarioKart.  Hubs played next.  I think he came in 4th.  It was so funny watching him.  He was REALLY into the race.  Then JJ wanted to go back to the first set of car games and race together.  So, they played that game several times.  JJ couldn't function right because he kept looking over at Daddy's screen.  It was pretty funny.  Hubs won those, but it wasn't for JJ's lack of trying.  We still had money on the game card, but we decided we would save it for another weekend outing.
     From there, we decided to go bowling.  I was feeling pretty tired, and I really just wanted to take pictures of the boys playing.  We get the shoes (which JJ loved because they were velcro) and find our lane.  I help JJ find the smallest ball around (a 6 pounder), and I started to move the rest of the bowling balls from our ball return.  Then I stop and think...I'm not supposed to be lifting more than 5-10 pounds until I am completely healed.  I was only given the all clear for the walking...so I sat down and told Hubs...it's a good think that I decided not to bowl.  This is the first time we've taken JJ bowling since he was 4, and in his overexcited way, he ran, went past the foul line, and slid and banged his head on the lane.  He hasn't wanted to bowl since (not that I can blame him!)  Hubs showed him how to hold the ball, which JJ wasn't comfortable with (and I think the ball was a bit heavy for him still.)  Hubs showed him how to granny roll.  JJ rocked the granny roll.  He didn't bowl very well, but he had fun.  I honestly can't tell you what the final score was;  I know Hubs scored over 100, but I wasn't paying THAT much attention to the score.

     There were moments during the arcade play that I wanted to run to the nearest bathroom and hide for a while.  It seemed that every corner we rounded, I almost ran into a pregnant lady with a cute baby bump waddling behind her older child and Hubby.  But I kept reminding myself that I am made of stronger stuff than that, so I would take a deep breath, smile, and carry on.  It didn't make it hurt any less, but I can't fall apart every time I see a pregnant lady.
     We headed home after bowling.  We got home about 5:30ish.  We literally had been out All.Day.  JJ played some Epic Mickey (he wants my help but doesn't understand that I haven't reached the level he's on) LOL.  Then he watched a few different shows on Netflix.  He can't really decide what he wants to watch now that he's finished with Inspector Gadget.  I tried to get him to watch He-Man; we'll see, LOL.  After dinner (various leftovers), Babe came on TV, so JJ watched that.  It was on until after 10 though, so at the end, JJ just finally got up and said that he was going to bed. 
     I had been reading that book (the one that I couldn't get into)...I still couldn't get into it, but I wanted the husband to explain himself.  He finally did, and the ending made me smile...but it took a long time for the book to get readable.  The narrator of the book was a bit ditzy, so all of  the reading was scatterbrained...off in so many directions, it was hard to follow along. 
    
 "God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."  John 3:16

  "I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me."  Proverbs 8:17

  "When children are secure, they feel free to be who they really are.  That's how you and I can live, too.  God is the only one who knows everything about us.  He knows it all, and he loves you.  What a gift in a world where there is so much uncertainty!"

We Were Made To Be Courageous

We were made to lead the way
We could be the generation
That finally breaks the chains
~Casting Crowns, Courageous

     Today was a good day.  Hubs and I got JJ off to school, and then we went to Golden Corral for breakfast.  It was good;  I didn't eat as much as I have in the past, but that's not necessarily a bad thing ;)  We enjoyed our breakfast, and then headed over to walmart.  We needed a few things (what else is new?)  We walked around a bit, got what we needed, and left.  It was starting to rain when we left, so we decided to get gas and then head home.
     On the way home, I saw a billboard that said "Babies are a gift from God."  I have always said that babies are a blessing, no matter the circumstances.  That has been my mantra as of late...it seems many people are finding out they are pregnant.  While my heart aches at the news and for a fraction of a second, I wonder why?...I KNOW that babies are blessings, and they should be celebrated.
     We didn't walk this afternoon because of the weather.  I finished the last of the puzzle....well, all but five pieces.  I had one out for Hubs, and four out for JJ.  JJ put the official last piece in when he got home from school.

I have no idea what puzzle I'll work on next.  I know there will be a next one though;  they definitely keep me busy.
     Today was mismatched sock day at school.  JJ was so excited to get to wear two different socks.

                                                             before school

After school, reading his book on backhoes.  (I was wrong yesterday when I said it was a book on bulldozers.)

    

     When I was growing up, on Fridays we always had Little Caesars pizza for dinner.  I decided earlier today that I'd like to re-introduce this into my life; we'll see how long it lasts, LOL.  But for now, you can't beat hot n ready $5 pizza.  We had our pizza while watching Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy.  During one of the puzzles, JJ hollered "PICK I BECAUSE THE FIRST WORD IS IT'S!!!"...and I looked up, and he was absolutely correct :)  When those shows went off, it was family movie night :)  (Something else we used to do every Friday night with the three of us, but we'd just gotten out of recently.)  Tonight's movie (thanks to Netflix):  Stuart Little.  Can you believe I've never read this book OR seen this movie?  It is so stinkin' cute!  JJ is loving it!!!

     I've also decided that Friday is my "Paint My Nails in whatever crazy way I want day."  Last week, I painted the tips red and then put a sparkly clear coat over them.  This week, I decided to do something more normal...just painted the tips white and then put on a clear coat.  My nails have grown so long from the vitamins.  It actually looks like I have no polish or anything on, LOL. 

     We bought our new scale earlier, so I can't wait until Sunday morning to weigh in.  As of last Sunday morning, I was down 18 pounds since the beginning of November.  Small victories.  Baby steps.  Gotta continue to find the positive...

"We love because he first loved us." ~1 John 4:19

"...God will make something beautiful out of your effort and energy."

And one last quote that brought a smile to my face...talking about the differences between men and women...

"Even though we did start out in the same garden, we don't seem to be smelling the same rosebush." 

You Know My Heart Is Heavy

And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You're reminding me
~The Afters, Lift Me Up

     I woke up about 7:30 this morning and felt so much better.  I didn't have the same achiness of the night before, and I wasn't feeling any chills.  I took my temp:  98.  I'll take it.  I'm so glad that I broke the fever overnight. 
     I tried to eat the rest of my breakfast sub for breakfast, but after two bites, I realized it just wasn't what I wanted.  I let Hubs have it, and I ate a bowl of Kix instead.  I sat at the computer to finish yesterday's blog, then I played some on Facebook.
     I finally went and got my walking clothes on, put my shoes on, grabbed my sweatshirt, and waited for Hubs to get ready.  We walked our loop once; it's just over a mile.  My hip hurt a little about halfway through, but it's been a while since I've done any exercising.  I didn't feel as bad when we were done as I thought I would.  A little over halfway around, this dog started following us and followed us all the way home.  She was very friendly.
     I thought I would get started on today's blog.  Hubs and I have been talking while I write this :)  It's almost time for some lunch, and then I should probably get some real clothes on instead of my walking clothes.
     I felt so much better after my shower and changing into  real clothes.  We left to pick up JJ and spent the whole time talking while we waited.  JJ got in the car, and he was in SUCH a good mood.  He had a great day; someone had come to talk to them about dental health, and he got a goodie bag.  Yes, JJ was MEGA PUMPED.  He got TWO toothbrushes, a toothbrush pencil, dental floss, and an activity booklet.  Plus today was their S.T.E.M academy (don't ask what STEM is because right now I can't remember...I think Science Technology, Engineering, and Math, but don't quote me on that.)  He was able to get in with Mr. Caskey again.  I'm not sure what their subject is, but today they learned about static electricity.  They rubbed a balloon and watched it stick to different things...they even went to the playground to go down the slide and get shocked.  JJ thought it was "super cool."
     JJ didn't have much homework today because he already completed his math work for the week.  Hub helped him with his spelling and his reading.  His new library book is about bulldozers.  He loves the books from the non-fiction section.  He usually gets a book about animals, so I was surprised to see the bulldozer book.  When he was finished, I helped him with Epic Mickey.  He likes that he is "far-er than you, Momma!"  He's a hoot.  I then finished dinner.  I had put a roast in the crock pot with some gravy and carrots...I made rice and squash and zucchini to go with it.  JJ of course, didn't like anything but the rice, but Hubs and I enjoyed the whole meal.  I'm excited for leftovers for tomorrow's lunch!
     We watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy, and then I went to work on my puzzle.  I am ALMOST finished :)  I have four pieces set aside so that JJ can put the last piece in, but all I have left is the sky.  The shades of blue are so close, so it's harder to see in the evening.  I'd rather work when the natural light from outside comes in.  I started feeling warm again, so I took my temperature and had a low grade fever.  99.6, boo.  My hair is still achey, but the rest of me isn't hurting.  I'm not having chills.  So I filled my huge mug from the hospital up with ice water and have been drinking like crazy (which in turn causes me to run to the bathroom every 10 minutes or so.)  Hopefully I just wasn't hydrated enough, and it was my body overheating.  (I can hope, right?) 
     It's just after 9.  Nothing very exciting is happening.  Hubs has been watching news.  JJ is in the bed.  I thought I would get this blog finished so I could post it tonight.  I have been considering posting my blogs in the morning for the previous day; we'll see.
     Tomorrow, we are going to get breakfast out.  We had actually planned this for the "Friday after the ultrasound"...then everything happened, and it just never seemed the right time.  I decided it was time, so we are going to eat breakfast at Golden Corral in the morning (we have one here that serves breakfast on Friday!!!)  Then I think we are heading to walmart.  I know there were several things we mentioned, but I can't remember anything right now.  I DO know we need to get a new scale.  Ours weighed me at 8 pounds MORE than what the dr weighed me yesterday (and I weighed myself when I first woke up)...we've had it for almost 8 years (got it the first year we were married!)  I want one like Momma's, so hopefully we are able to find one like that.
     As I close tonight, I leave you with this last line of Footprints in the Sand, one of my favorite poems EVER:

The Lord replied:  "My son, my precious child,

I love you and I would never leave you.

During your times of trial and suffering,

when you see only one set of footprints,

it was then that I carried you."

'Cause What If Your Blessings Come Through Raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
~Laura Story, Blessings

     If you've never heard this song, look it up.  Listen.  REALLY listen.  This has been one of my favorite songs for several months; I had told Hubs a while back that it was my new theme song.  It seemed that whenever I was upset, frustrated, scared...whatever...I heard it on the radio and was reminded that I am NOT alone.  I was also reminded that blessings are not always so straight forward.  When we were so shattered on our way home that Friday, this song came on.  My heart continued to ache and break, the tears started anew, but the reminder was loud and clear.  God is with me, no matter the circumstances.  Hubs has a hard time listening to this song now because it played that day...and when he was following the ambulance, he heard it.  I won't lie-it's not a jump for joy kind of song.  It has a more somber undercurrent.  But it's a beautiful song.  Really.  If you haven't heard it, you should do so.
     I went to bed fairly early last night, around 9pm.  I read a little of this murder mystery that I have been trying to get through.  I fell asleep maybe around 9:30pm with the book still in my hand.  I woke up later when Hubs was taking the book out of my hand.  I slept so well though.  I didn't get up until 6:45 this morning when my alarm when off.  My headache is gone, woohoo!
     We have to arrive at my appointment by 10:30am.  Hopefully they will be able to take us early like they did last time, and our appointment won't last long.  The first one is at 11am; the hematologist appointment is at 2pm.  We'll be driving separate cars so that Hubs can leave if need be to pick JJ up from school.  I'm sure that I'll have more to share later this afternoon.
     So, we arrived about 10:45ish to the first appointment.  After checking in, they sent me right over to Lab D (which is in another building)...no worries...we go over, hand them the paperwork, and they have me sit down to get weight and blood pressure.  I weighed 2 lbs more than I had weighed at Momma's house over the weekend, but I had eaten breakfast and had been drinking water, so I wasn't bummed about the number.  I sat down in the chair and answered some questions about my medical history.  The lady asked me what I was having done today, and I told her that I was supposed to get my platelets checked along with my blood pressure...and depending on my blood pressure, I needed a prescription for birth control.  She looked confused, looked down at the paper, and I guess at my info in the computer and said "But aren't you pregnant?"  So I took a deep breath and said "I was, but we lost the baby just over two weeks ago.  When we went in for the delivery, they discovered my low platelet count, and when I left, they wanted me to have a check up on my blood pressure before putting me on the Pill."  I could tell by the look on her face that she felt A.W.F.U.L.  So, we went over a few more things, and then it was time to take my blood pressure.  As she's putting the cuff on, she tells me "I tried to wait a few minutes to let your blood pressure level out because I surprised you with that question.  I am so sorry!"  Now, if she had just taken my BP, I wouldn't have thought twice about her asking me, but she reminded me as she was about to take it!  My BP was 131/90.  She tells me to go think happy thoughts in the lobby, and she would retake my BP in a bit.  I go sit with Hubs, we talk a few minutes, then I grab his hand and hold it while thinking happy thoughts about him and JJ and how much I love them and how happy they make me.  Good music was playing; we were the only ones in the lobby, so I sang along.  Another lady comes from the back with her son and friend and sits down.  The nurse comes to take my BP.  She brought the machine out to me so I didn't have to move.  I'm convinced that my BP will be lower because I am SO relaxed.  In the middle of the reading, the other lady that had come out tells her son "See?  Here's a picture of your baby brother!" and shows him an ultrasound picture.  My heart fell.  Literally.  The cuff started tightening again, and the nurse was like "I don't know why it does that!  You haven't moved an inch."  The reading was high.  141/91.  The nurse sighed and said "we tried."  They had me stay in the lobby until it was time to see the dr.
     They call me back, walk me to the room, and then ask "Did you want your husband with you?"  So, I walk back up, get Hubs, and go back to the room.  It felt like we waited a long time, but it wasn't really that long.  Hubs and I were both just blah and anxious.  My BP was high, so we didn't think they would prescribe me any birth control (since I had wanted the Pill instead of a long term contraceptive); we knew we were going to have to talk about losing the baby, and just sitting in the room with ultrasound gel on the counter was enough to make us blah.
     The dr came in, and she was so incredibly nice.  The nurse had filled her in, so she didn't ask why we were there (although, when I called to make the appointment, I told them why, so I had assumed that would be in my charts.)  She asked if I needed anything to help sleep, and I told her no, I was sleeping through the night.  She asked if I was wanting birth control, and I told her yes...but I didn't know if we could get the Pill because of my blood pressure.  She suggested the mirena, and I told her that we were hoping to try again within a year.  She agreed that the mirena was not the best choice unless we were going to wait a year or more.  She vetoed the depo shot because it causes weight gain (and I am hoping to continue with my weight loss).  She finally settled on a progesterone only mini-pill.  For those mommas that have nursed and gotten on the Pill after giving birth, this is the pill that you take.  It's only 95% effective (nursing usually increases that, but since I'm not nursing....) We talked about my previous pregnancy with JJ:  the low platelets, the pre-eclampsia, and the eventual c-section.  She asked if I'd had gestational diabetes, and I told her no.  She asked if I'd been tested this time, and I told her no because they usually do all of that testing around 20 weeks, and I was only at 17.  I told her they had done the 24 hour urine test to check for pre-eclampsia because my BP had been so high, but that it came back negative.  She told me that they were going to do some blood work on me to check my platelets and to also check if I was insulin dependent.  She was also going to check for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  Because it took so long to conceive the second time, she suspects that I may have PCOS.  We also talked about weight loss and how losing weight would help with conception (when we start trying again)...and it would also help my blood pressure.  (Which I had already known and had been trying to lose weight before we found out we were expecting.  The good news is that I've lost weight throughout the first trimester-12 pounds- and I have lost weight in the last two weeks.)  The dr said I could start walking again (yay!)  I have an appointment in three weeks to go over my blood work and possibly do a 2 hour glucose test for diabetes (depending on how the blood work for the insulin dependency goes)...Something else to worry about...PCOS (which my dr in Boone had mentioned way back when and told me that we wouldn't know until I started trying to have kids and couldn't conceive because one of the signs of this is infertility...and I went through all that time, not knowing if I could ever have kids...and I had told Hubs that when we were married and started trying to have kids, I didn't know if I could conceive...it was a huge shock when we conceived JJ within a month...so I didn't think anything else of it...and then it took almost six years to conceive Baby #2...)...diabetes (which runs in my family...Momma has diabetes and so does Grandmutter...Granddaddy had it when he was alive...)
     Our appointment finished right at noon, so we headed over to walmart to drop off my prescription and decided to get a quick bite to eat.  We ended up at Taco Bell; neither of us were very hungry, so we ordered something small.  We talked a little bit then headed back to walmart.  We picked up a few things we needed then headed to the pharmacy to get my prescription.  It was about 1:15 at this point, so we decided to head on over to where my appointment was, and then we would sit in my car and listen to our story for a few minutes.  (We were in two cars in case the second appointment was long so that Hubs could go pick up JJ.)
     We arrived about 1:30 and listened to our story about 15 minutes.  At this point, I was still feeling good.  I was tired because we had been out since just after 10am, but my headache hadn't returned.  I check in and was given a mountain of paperwork to complete.  I sit and start filling everything out when I was called back up to the check in area.  They needed to know who to contact to get my records because they had NO paperwork on me.  I told them I had been in Wilmington when I had gotten the referral, but they were supposed to fax everything to my dr here in town.  I gave the information, and they called over to have the information faxed.  I sat back down to finish filling everything out, and I could feel a slight twinge begin right behind my eyes.  I knew I was starting to really stress out because I was worried they would tell me that they couldn't see me because they had no paperwork.  Someone from my dr hand carried my records over, but they only had one sheet (probably from my appointment that day).  Hubs alarm went off at 2:30, and we were still sitting in the lobby.  At 2:40, they called me back, and I sent Hubs on to pick up JJ.  I told the guy that my BP had been high at my first appointment, and I'd eaten lunch between appointments.  He wanted to know how it came about to get my platelets checked, and I had to retell the story to him.  I told him that we had lost the baby and that it was still rather raw.  He asked how far along I had been, and I told him that when we found out, I was 17 weeks and 2 days.  He was shocked.  He took my BP and my temperature.  The temp finished before the BP, and he says "wow.  Did you know you're sick?"  I was like "What?!"  and sure enough.  I had a temp of 101.4 and had no idea.  I hadn't felt bad (other than the headache, but it had gone away with a good night of sleep....only to return at this appointment because they had no paperwork on me.)  Then the BP finished...I can't even tell you what the top number was because the bottom number was 105.  He told me that he would get another reading later.  He took my weight, and I told him what I had weighed that morning...he told me I gained two pounds at lunch.  I can't really complain because it hadn't been that long since we had eaten.  I then went back to the little room to wait for the dr.  I had brought a book, so I started reading. 
     This dr was so nice as well!  We talked about my low platelets, my first pregnancy, and taking prednisone at the end.  I then told her that my counts had gotten down to 29k but went back up to 45k the next day.  She told me that they would do blood work to check my platelets and to check my antibodies to make sure that I didn't have the type that were attacking my platelets.  She said if I had that type, then sometimes during pregnancy, the antibodies could cross the placenta, and it could be bad for the baby (unless other measures were taken).  She said that it didn't typically happen until much later in the pregnancy than I had been...usually the third trimester. 
     She took me to the lab, and the lab tech was so nice.  She noticed I had a cotton swab already on my arm and she said "ooh...someone already bit you!"  I laughed and said "yeah, this morning at my first appointment."  Instead of using a bandaid, they used surgical tape (super sticky surgical tape at that), so when I took it off, it made a blood blister in the crook of my arm.  The lab tech was like "OUCH.  That just took off your skin!"  She took blood from the opposite arm and used this really cool bandage stuff that stuck to itself instead of my skin.  My platelets were at 47k.  Still low for normal people, but higher than mine had been two weeks ago.
     The dr came in to talk to me again and told me that she would see me again in one week to go over the rest of my blood work and to possibly discuss me taking a steroid to boost my counts.  :sigh:  Not that it won't help because it did during my pregnancy with JJ...I'm just beginning to feel like I have a portable pharmacy in my kitchen.  JJ already takes like 6 things a day...(vitamin, singulair, zyrtech, daily inhaler, flonase, and Tums...poor kid started getting heartburn, so he takes one in the morning and one at night)...and then my meds:  labetalol for the blood pressure, prenatal vitamin (my dr wants me to take it as an every day vitamin), the birth control that I just had filled, and now possibly a daily steroid.  Hubs just takes a daily multivitamin...lucky him.  LOL.
     I scheduled my appointment, paid my co-pay, and headed home.  It was almost 3:30.  Hubs and JJ were home working on homework.  They finished, and I told Hubs about my appointment...the high blood pressure, the two pound gain after lunch...and OH..apparently I'm sick.  I had just finished telling him that when my phone rang;  it was the lab tech from the second appointment.  She wanted me to make sure that I contacted the OB to make her aware of the platelet count and the temp.  Since I had delivered two weeks prior, it could be an infection setting in.  (Stress anyone?)
     I called the OB and left a message with the nurse with what the hematologist said and for her to please call back.  I hung up and finished telling Hubs about my appointment and the blood work...and the "new" platelet count.  He was thinking like me..."It's higher than it was two weeks ago!"  (You have to be positive about the small things...especially during times like these...or else you will drown in the little stuff.)
     I had just finished telling him about the rest of the appointment, and my phone rings again.  The same dr office.  It was the guy this time, wanting to know what I was taking for my fever.  I told him nothing because I hadn't been aware that I had a fever until he told me, and I had nothing at home to take.  I told him I was waiting for the OB to call to find out what I needed to do.
     Momma called me when she got home (it was after 4 at this point), so I was telling her about everything.  And really, there's nothing else to do but keep a sense of humor at this point.  So, I told her about the first appointment, and then I said "as if I didn't have enough going on, apparently I'm sick!"  I told her about the temperature at the second appointment.  I told her that I didn't feel bad (except for the headache that was trying really hard to become a raging migraine).  I told her I was waiting to talk to her, and then I was going to go lie in the bed for a bit.  My phone beeped, and it was the OB.  We hung up, and I talked with the OB.  She apologized for not realizing I didn't feel well, and I told her that was just it, I felt fine.  I wasn't having chills or aches or anything indicating that I was sick.  She asked if I was having any pain in the pelvic area or when I tried to urinate.  I told her no, I was in no pain whatsoever.  She said that she didn't suspect an infection; that I was allowed to just get sick...but she wanted me to take it easy, and if I started having trouble using the bathroom or if I noticed any pain, to contact her, and they would fit me in.  We hung up, and I called Momma back to let her know what the dr had said.  We talked a few more minutes, said our goodbyes, and then I asked Hubs if he would be OK getting dinner ready.  I went to bed; I read for a few minutes, and then I fell asleep.  (I had taken my temperature at home, and it was 100.3...it had gone down, but only by 1 degree.)  I woke up sometime later, and I was shivering.  I had the blankets bundled around me, but my feet were freezing.  I got up, found my slipper socks, and put on a sweatshirt.  I came up (it was about 6:30), told Hubs I was freezing, and he wrapped his arms around me.  He was SO warm...I decided to fix me some hot tea.  Hubs had made chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes, and veggies, so I ate a few nuggets and some mashed potatoes.  I drank two cups of hot tea.  I would get hot, then get cold.  I sat in the living room with my boys until 8pm, and right after JJ went to bed, I went to bed.  I had 10 pages left in my book.  I finished those, and then I went to sleep.  I woke up a little after 9 and took my temperature...100.6, going back up.  I drank some water and went back to bed.  My body felt hot and cold...not a fun combo because I couldn't decide if I needed the covers on or off.  I finally decided to keep the covers on with one leg hanging out and my arm hanging out. 
     I felt bad for not getting this posted yesterday, but I really just did not feel up to sitting in front of the computer.  As the evening wore on, I started getting achy.  I told Hubs that if I didn't know any better (as in I had gotten the flu shot), then I would think I was getting the flu.  It was that kind of achy...my eyes hurt when I blinked...my hair even hurt at the roots.  It was pretty pitiful...