They came back to check me in four hours (12:45am); my cervix was still completely closed, so they administered another dose of the medication. They asked if I was in any pain, and I told them no, still no pain whatsoever. I could tell I was having small contractions, but I didn't need anything for pain. Liz asked if we needed anything, and I told her no, we were good. She told me that if I noticed any bleeding to push the button to call her.
**Because of my previous c-section, they couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't have any uterine tearing along the scar. They didn't foresee any problems but were still on the lookout, just in case. This entry may be more graphic than the rest, so if you don't want to be grossed out, I won't be offended if you don't finish reading.**
Hubs and I turned the tv to Disney and watched cartoons for a bit. We both had heavy eyes, and I told him to go rest some more. He hated being across the room from me, and he tried moving the chair closer, but he just couldn't get close enough. We held hands and watched tv, and finally I told him I was going to try to get some sleep, and he should do the same. I slept on and off until about 4:30am. There was definitely more pressure as the contractions were getting strong, and I felt like my bladder was going to bust open. As soon as I moved, Hubs sat up and asked what was wrong. I told him I needed help to the bathroom. I stood up and noticed blood on the bed pad. I had Hubs help me back in the bed, and I pushed the call button. Liz was with someone else, so another nurse came in, and I told her that I was bleeding, and that I didn't know until I stood up to use the restroom and it ran down my legs. She said she was going to call the dr. She left and returned a few minutes later with the resident OB on duty. They had me lay all the way back and did an internal check. The dr said I was completely dilated, and she could feel my water bag. She asked if I wanted to try pushing, and I told her I wasn't sure if I needed to. She said "Use the same muscles like you are having a bowel movement. Hold your breath and push." So, I held my breath and tried pushing, but my body just wasn't ready. She said that we would wait a little bit longer and try again. She asked about my pain level, and again, I told her I was in no pain, just a lot of pressure in my lower abdomen, and I felt like I needed to pee.
Liz came in a few minutes later and apologized. She helped clean me up and got me a new bed pad. She draped a towel between my legs and told me to call her if I felt like I was in any pain or anything changed. Hubs and I tried to rest after that, but we knew it was close. He sat back in the chair, and we held hands. I took a lot of deep breaths and did slight movement changes to relieve the pressure. The pressure suddenly started building, and I thought I was going to have to give in and get something for the pain when suddenly my water broke. I told Hubs "My water just broke." and pushed the call button. Liz came right in and asked what was wrong. I told her that my water had just broke, so she cleaned me up and had me lie back. She asked if I wanted to try pushing, and I said OK.
I wasn't sure what to expect; I didn't make it to this point around with JJ. The dr broke my water, and I only dilated to 6cm before they decided (after 24 hours of being at 6cm) for me to have a c-section. I was never in any sort of pain and had planned to have a natural birth. I was heartbroken that it didn't turn out that way. This time, I still wasn't in any sort of pain; I just felt the pressure of my bladder being completely full. I wasn't sure how long I would have to push because I knew the baby was so small. I mentally prepared myself, and I took a deep breath and pushed. I barely finished the push when the baby came right out. Liz scooped the baby up and took the body away. I didn't see, but I saw how her hands were scooped, and I knew the baby was even smaller than I had imagined. She clamped the cord and said "You did a good job, Momma." I delivered about 5:20am.
I felt like part of my heart had just left my body. I reached for Hubs hand, and I just squeezed. I could feel the tears running down my face. Liz cleaned me up and told me that because the placenta still had to come out, we were going to wait until it was ready; they were trying to avoid a D&C because of my platelet count, but they were afraid if the dr used any of the instruments to help the placenta out, then it would break off because it was so small, and they would have to do the D&C anyway.
Liz left us alone for a little while, then returned to tell us the stats. She said the baby measured 5 1/2 inches long and 2.6 oz in weight, much smaller than a baby that was 17 weeks along. She said the baby HAD taken on some fluid but not as much as had been believed it would take on with the three week guesstimation of when this had happened. She said the baby was VERY developed; more developed than she believes it would have been at 14 weeks (when we were told the baby had passed in utero). There were little feet and little legs developing; little arms and hands; the eyes were in the correct place, and you could see the nose and mouth. She said she couldn't tell one way or the other on the sex of the baby, but that the doctors would look and be able to tell. I told her that I didn't want to know anyway. Liz didn't believe it had been more than a week at the most since the baby had passed.
About an hour after delivering our Sleeping Angel, it was time to deliver the placenta. It took about two pushes this time, but it came out completely intact, which is what the dr had been going for. A nurse came in and cleaned me, and then she helped me to the restroom. I got settled back in the bed, and the nurse introduced herself as Gail. She was also one of the bereavement counselors. She went to check if I had been cleared for breakfast yet.
It wasn't very long that she came back to tell us that we had been cleared for breakfast, and she sat to talk with us before we ordered. She had gone to check on the baby herself and informed us of the sex. I am not ready to share this information at the moment. I will say that before she told us, I had a little voice whispering to me that our Angel was OK; as soon as she told us the sex, the same voice whispered that He was holding (not ready to share the name either) in His arms.
When Gail told us the sex, and all of this happened so quickly, I felt the tears. I hadn't wanted to know the sex, but I felt comforted that I knew our Angel was in Heaven with an aunt, a grandfather, and 3 great-grandfathers. Gail told us that she would be putting together a memorial box for us, and she asked our permission to take some delicate photos to include in the box. She said they would be in an envelope, and that we could view them when we were ready, if ever.
We ordered breakfast; I only ate a half of a bagel and drank some water. I could barely eat that. My stomach was all kinds of upset. We were still in the birthing room; there was a tub in front of the bed for a water birth; there was a scale to weigh the baby. We were hoping to get moved so that we wouldn't be surrounded with so many baby reminders.
After we finished breakfast, Gail told us that when we were ready, they had another room for us that had a more comfortable bed. Hubs made sure all of our stuff was together, and Gail went to get me a wheelchair. She got me settled in the new room. I went to the restroom on my own (YAY!)...walking was not easy. I had finally had the IV drip taken off, but my legs were shakey. I was very slow moving, but I was moving on my own. Hubs was right outside the door and told me to holler if I needed help. He was right by me every time I needed to move. I was trying to take breaks from being in the bed by walking laps around the room. I couldn't walk very long, but I was tired of being in the bed.
Our new nurse, Robyn was awesome. She was very bubbly, and that was just what we needed. We found something on tv to watch. We had already been told they were keeping us another night. Hubs called momma to fill her in on everything that had transpired and let her know we were staying another night. She was coming to our house later in the day with JJ and Grandmutter. They decided to drive straight to Wilmington so that they could visit us a bit. It was good to have them there. It did my heart wonders to see JJ and have him in the room with us.
When JJ arrived in the room, he gave me a hug and then he looked at my belly and asked if the baby was gone now. I told him yes, the baby was gone now, and he was quiet a moment then said "OK." He wanted to sit in the bed with me, so I sat up and positioned a pillow so he could lean on me. We watched Spiderman on tv.
I really don't know how long they were able to visit, but I was so glad that they spent the time with us. That night, Hubs and I were both avoiding sleep. We watched tv, and then we sat around talking. I have no idea how late we finally went to bed; I just know that we still hadn't truly begun grieving. Being in the hospital with a special symbol on our door allowed everyone we were in contact with to be aware that we were in a delicate situation. No one talked about the baby, and Hubs and I talked some, then changed the subject or watched tv. We were just ready to have my platelets checked the next morning so that we could get home...
Love you.
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