The Rest Of The Week

     We were in the hospital until Wednesday afternoon.  It felt like so much longer.  So many things happened during that time.  Tuesday morning, my platelet count had dropped from 35k to 29k.  A normal platelet count in a healthy adult is between 150k and 450k.  (Just to give you an idea why they were so concerned about my platelet counts.)  Platelets are what help your blood clot.
     The OB's weren't sure if the hemotologist would want to give me a steroid shot to boost my counts or just let them be.  Tuesday, we waited around most of the day because we were told me had to wait for a consult visit with the hemotologist.  No one came in to give us any updates; finally around 3:30pm, I asked the nurse on duty, and she apologized that no one had given us an update.  She said that the hemotologist on call didn't accept our insurance, and they had to contact another hemotologist that DID accept our insurance, and that we would be staying another night.
     I should back up a bit.  I believe it was Monday evening, Hubs decided that he wanted to see the baby.  He spoke with Robyn, and she brought the baby to an empty "quiet" room;  she went with him to make sure that he would be ok.  I stayed in the room because I knew that I wouldn't be okay if I saw our child like this.  I prayed the entire time that Hubs was gone.  I prayed for his strength and his peace of mind.  I prayed that it would help his heart begin healing to say hello and goodbye.  I prayed that Baby Aleman would look like a baby, not a lump, not disfigured in any way.  I knew that Liz had said that the baby had taken on some fluids, and I didn't want that to haunt his dreams forever.  I even asked for forgiveness that I wasn't strong enough to go with him to view the baby.  I thanked God for assuring me that ** was in His arms and safe now.  I still hadn't told Hubs that the baby had a name;  up until we found out the sex, we called the baby "Baby Aleman" and I was adament that I didn't want to know the sex because I didn't want to give Baby Aleman a name. 
     When Hubs returned, he sat down and  talked with me about what he had seen.  He said the baby was VERY developed.  You could see the little bump of a nose and the mouth; little hands and little feet.  He brought a baby bracelet that Gail had made that said Baby Aleman (because she remembered that we hadn't named the baby anything besides that yet.)  She had an envelope set up near the baby that had the photos enclosed, along with a little card that had hand prints and foot prints.  He said that the display (if that's even the right word) was done very nice.  The baby was swaddled, and there was a tiny pillow near the head.  There were blankets surrounding the body, and a small rattle.  The "Baby Aleman" bracelet was near the foot of the crib with the photos and prints.  Hubs did say the baby was tiny, and that even though you could tell that some fluid had taken on, you could tell you were looking at a baby, not just a lump.  He said "The baby looked peaceful...like I was seeing a sleeping baby."  Of course, I cried while he told me this.  I wanted to know;  I needed to know without looking for myself.  Hubs told me he did ask Robyn the sex of the baby because Liz hadn't been sure, and Gail had told us her opinion.  Robyn told us that a team of drs and nurses had viewed the baby and all came to the same conclusion;  what Gail had told us...which I already knew because God had assured me. 
     I'm not gonna lie;  it still hurt to know.  I can't say I would have said any different, that I would have wanted to know.  It still makes me think of all we are going to miss out on.  The laughs, the smiles...the growth spurts and the love.  I do know that for me, I made the right decision in not viewing Baby Aleman.  I assured Hubs that his decision was just that...HIS decision, and that just because *I* didn't want to see the baby this way, that didn't mean he couldn't see the baby.  I think it was very good for his heart, so that he wouldn't always be wondering.  I know that I have pictures to look at, when I am ready.
     We were glad that Momma and Grandmutter were able to be at our house with JJ; that was one less worry for us.  We spent the day watching Animal Planet.  We shared our meals.  My stomach was still upset;  I tried to eat as much as I could, but it wasn't very much.  I sent Hubs to get him a "real" meal.  I knew sharing food from my plate wasn't helping him out. 
     Gail had brought us the memory box;  every time I was alone in the room, I stared at it.  I kept trying to decide if I was ready to look inside.  I decided that I would know when I was ready, and I wouldn't have to ask myself.
     I was able to take a shower on Tuesday.  It wasn't the best shower, I was almost too tall to stand under the shower (imagine that!), but it felt good to scrub my body.  Drying off, I made a heart wrenching discovery.  My body had yet to receive the memo that the pregnancy had not gone well; my milk was coming in.  Thankfully, on Monday, I had been warned that this was a possibility, so I wasn't surprised...just saddened.  As if I didn't have enough to get through, I had this reminder that Baby Aleman would never latch on and nurse.
     Wednesday morning, my platelet count was back up to 45k.  This was A.W.E.S.O.M.E. news.  We just knew we would be cleared and able to head home that morning.  But that would be too easy.  We still had to wait for a consult visit from the hemotologist.  Right before lunch, the nurse came in and told us that she had called the hemotologist's office and told him that our discharge was depedent upon a visit from him.  She told us to order lunch and that the visit would hopefully be shortly after.  Hubs had planned to go get lunch, but we decided  to share a burger instead so that hopefully we could be done and the dr visit over, and we could get discharged.
     The hemotologist came in;  he was a very pleasant person.  He seemed to think that my counts, even at 29k were nothing to be alarmed about.  His words were "People have heart surgery with a count of 15k."  So why had they kept me???  He told me he wanted me to follow up in a week with a dr in Jacksonville, and he called to make the appointment.  It was also a bit frustrating that this dr was the same one who wouldn't come see us the day before because he didn't accept our insurance :sigh:
    He told the nurse that as far as he was concerned, we were clear for discharge.  The OB on duty was in surgery, so the nurse apologized and told us that she (the OB) would be with us as soon as possible.  We settled in for a wait, but we felt better knowing we would go home that day.  I can't tell you how long we waited, but the nurse eventually came in and had the discharge papers for us.  She went over them with me, and I had to sign a few things, and then she told us that when we were ready, we were free to go.  I went to put on my clothes (I had been in a hospital gown since Sunday)...I was avoiding getting dressed because all I had brought with me were maternity clothes.  We were so ill-prepared;  we'd had no bag packed, no extra clothes, no phone charger...When I had asked, they told me I didn't need to bring anything but myself when we came in on Sunday.  Of course, I should have brought a bag anyway.  How were they to know I would need to be transferred and not released until Wednesday??
     A wheelchair was brought, and Hubs met us downstairs with the car.  It was strange being outside.  It was a beautiful day, a bit windy, but sunny.  So different from the rain and nastiness of Sunday.  Once we were loaded in the car, we were headed home.  This was actually the hardest part for me.  I had told Hubs that as long as we were still at the hospital, I was doing well...because we were in a cocoon of sorts...everyone knew our situation, and we knew the baby was still in the hospital.  Leaving the hospital meant leaving the hospital and admitting to my heart that Baby Aleman wasn't coming home with us.
     We held hands and took a deep breath and faced that hurdle together.  I can't tell ya'll enough how much I love Hubs and how much he means to me.  He takes care of me and loves me unconditionally.  I hated going through this, but I couldn't imagine having to go through it with anyone else.  Again I am reminded that God does NOT make mistakes, and He knew what He was doing when He brought us together.
     We got home about 3:45pm;  JJ was home, doing his homework with Grammie.  We all hugged, and I sat down to rest.  I needed to get a prescription filled, but we decided to go the next day.  Hubs had schoolwork to catch up on, but he emailed his professor and was given an extension until the next day.
     I spent time working on the puzzle that we had begun only the week before.  I would work a bit, then my brain would wander off.  Momma took care of dinner, and I found I just wasn't very hungry.  I ate a hotdog but had to force the last bit down.  We sat around until about 10, and finally I knew we had to get some sleep.  This was the first night that Hubs and I could sleep next to each other and hold each other.  We got in the bed, he held his arms out, I snuggled in...and the floodgates opened.  I felt like my heart was breaking over and over;  I couldn't catch my breath, but I didn't want the whole house to hear my pain.  I don't know how long I cried or how long Hubs held me...I just know that when I had calmed down, I pulled Hubs to me and just held him.  Once we finally fell asleep, it was the best sleep I'd had in probably a week.
     Thursday, I decided to go pay bills and get my meds.  I took a shower and cried while in the shower.  I felt better once I finished though.  Momma and Grandmutter drove me around, and Hubs stayed home to work on his schoolwork.  We paid the water bill, the power bill, and the cable bill.  We stopped at Wendy's for lunch.  We went to wal-mart to get my prescription filled.  We picked Hubs up Hardees for lunch;  we got home and I sat on the couch, completely wore out.  I had planned to work on some knitting, but when I went to get my yarn, I discovered that the hall bathroom had been leaking, and the carpet in my closet was wet...which meant almost all of my yarn was wet.  I was trying to save as much as I could, so I was pulling everything out.  Momma helped me get it oustide and get the fan set up to blow in the closet to dry it out.  I was so ill.  She fussed at me for trying to do too much, and I came back to the couch, but I was bored.  The plan had been for me to get the yarn and work on the crafts while sitting on the couch, resting.  It didn't work out that way...that evening, JJ had a Monster Math night at school that we had RSVP'ed for, and he was so pumped about going...plus they had a Cici's night to earn money for the school.  We left about 5:30pm for the Math night, and that finished at 7pm.  JJ had a blast.  He was given four math games and a drawstring backpack with "goodies" inside...a math book and a pencil case with stuff inside.  We came home, picked up Momma and Grandmutter, and headed back out to Cici's.  We didn't get home until after 9, I believe.  JJ was so wore out.  He got in his jammies, got his meds, and went to bed.  I don't think we stayed up much longer. 
     I had weighed myself when I woke up on Friday morning, and I weighed exactly what I had weighed at my prenatal visit in January (the last one we heard the baby's happy heartbeat.)  I had lost 7 pounds while in the hospital.  We had some running around to do after JJ went to school.  I think most of it was at walmart (lol).  I was ready to be home before we finished.  I could tell I needed to rest.  My stomach had started cramping more.
     I had bought new yarn at walmart since my old yarn was drying, and we sat on the couch and worked on some knitting.  It kept me calm and resting.  I finished one hat and started on another.  Momma cooked dinner, and it was the first full mean I had eaten since the previous Thursday evening when we had gone to Golden Corral.
     Saturday, Momma and Grandmutter had planned to leave.  I wasn't ready for them to leave, and I jokingly told Momma she could move in.  I knew that the longer they stayed, the harder it would be for us to get back to any sort of routine or anything for our life.  They left around lunchtime.  I cried, watching them pull away, but it only lasted a few minutes.  I took a few deep breaths, and I set about to keep myself busy.
     We had finished the puzzle Thursday when JJ got home from school.  Friday I had taken it apart so that we could eat dinner at the table.  Saturday after they left, I had Hubs find me another puzzle, and I opened it and dumped the ENTIRE 1000 piece puzzle on our dining room table.  Now for those that know me and know how I work puzzles, you know this is NOT how I operate.  I am very meticulous about going through the pieces and getting all of the edges out, getting them together, then studying the picture and deciding what section I want to work first. 
     I pulled some of the edges out, then started working on the middle.  This puzzle seems to be taking shape from the bottom up.  I have the complete bottom together, parts of the middle...the complete edging still isn't together.  I decided that this would take me longer to complete, and I needed to keep my mind busy.  (It's definitely keeping me busy!)
     We were hermits over the weekend.  I didn't take a shower until Sunday evening.  I didn't want to let myself become gross; it was too easy to let that happen.  I cried some more during my shower.  Writing the blog has taken a lot of my time.  I weighed myself again on Sunday...I'd lost 3 more pounds since being home.  I AM eating.  I still have upset stomach, and I don't know how long  that will last.  Everything seems to go straight through me.
     I wanted to share a photo I took on Sunday...February 26, 2012.

Baby bump is completely gone =(  My heart still hurts, but I know I can function.  Hubs doesn't understand the blog, but he said if it's helping me heal, then to just keep on writing...