The Day Our World Was Shattered

     *I have been in contact with several people that I sent the pregnant texts too, and they will be sending me the pictures that are saved on their computer.  I will post them once I have all of them to post together.

     **During January and early February while Julie was here, and we were watching a ton of TLC, the previews for the new season of 19 Kids and Counting kept showing.  In the preview, it showed the parents at their 20 week ultrasound, and the dr telling them that there was no heartbeat.  My heart broke for the Dugger family every time I watched that preview, and I would rub my belly and thank God for our little miracle growing inside of me.  One morning, we were up early enough to watch one of the morning talk shows, and they had the Dugger parents on, and their strength amazed me.  But their faith reminded me of my own.  They mourned the loss of their daughter, but they knew without a doubt that they would see her again in Heaven and would get to hold their baby girl.

     We woke early on Friday, February 17th.  Hubs and I had to get ready, eat breakfast, get JJ up, and then we had to begin our hour and 20 minute drive to Wilmington to the Maternal Fetal Medicine clinic.  After an extremely restless night, I was tired, but the excitement of getting to see our little one on the ultrasound and possibly discover the sex was far more exciting.  We shoveled down our eggs and grits and hugged and kissed everyone.  Momma told me that my sister and her hubby were beyond excited and that she had promised to call to let them know if they were going to be an Aunt or an Uncle.  I promised to call Momma when we were on the way home to share our news.  We set off on our journey, listening to an audiobook of Breaking Dawn on the way.  We had to stop to use the restroom right outside of Wilmington.  Our appointment was at 9:30, but we had to arrive by 9:00am.  We arrived and checked in by 9:05am.  We got comfortable in our chairs, and I had my bottle of water.  By 9:50am, I was checking my phone for the time, and the receptionist called back and asked if they were almost ready for me.  The ultrasound prior to mind had run over, and she apologized.  I told her I just had to empty my bladder but wasn't sure if they needed a urine sample.  She told me no, that I was welcome to use the bathroom.  I went around the corner, and the ultrasound tech was coming to get us.  She took us to the room and showed me the restroom. 
     We were bubbling over with excitement.  The tech was so friendly.  She asked if I had been able to feel movements yet, and I exclaimed "Yes!  Baby Aleman has been very active!  My son and husband have both been able to feel movements!!"  She then asked if they could get a clear view, did we want to know the sex.  "Yes" we said.  "We know some people want to be surprised, but we want to be able to prepare!"  She had me lie back, pull my shirt over my belly, and put my pants below my hips.
     They had a large screen on the wall in front of me so that we could see everything she saw.  As she began the ultrasound, another nurse walked in to ask me some questions.  After just a moment, the ultrasound tech asked the other nurse if she would stay just a moment, and then she looked at me and said "Sweetie, I'm so sorry.  There's no heartbeat."  I sat there looking at her for what felt like a lifetime.  I was hoping I had misunderstood.  How do you respond to something like that?  So I told her the truth "I was worried about that..."  (after seeing all of the Dugger family commercials, I began to feel anxious, and I was just ready to know that our baby was healthy.)  I still had no reaction.  She kept asking if we were okay, and I told her I was fine...that it hadn't hit me yet.  She apologized and said that she still had to take some measurements.  She asked if we wanted her to turn the screen off so that we didn't have to view, and I told her "No, I need to see this."  I reached out my hand for Hubs to hold, and we squeezed each other's hand.  As we watched the tech take the measurements, my heart kept breaking beyond repair.  There on the screen was the proof  that our baby had been conceived and passed on.  My body was determined to fulfill the pregnancy.  I'd had no cramps, no bleeding, no pain of any sort.  We were asked if we would like a picture, and I said "yes we would because we didn't get a picture at the first ultrasound."  She took a couple of pictures and printed them for us and laid them on the bed beside me.  She went and got a box of kleenex and laid it beside the pictures, and she told me that the specialist would come in and talk with us.  She apologized again and left us in the room.  I sat up, and my heart just broke.  Hubs had tears running down his face, and I just burst into tears.  I covered my face and sobbed.  I kept saying "I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry."  Hubs told me that I had done nothing wrong, and I told him that my heart knew I had done nothing wrong, but my brain was trying to analyze everything I had done during my pregnancy.  Had I done too much?  Had I lifted something too heavy?  Did I eat something I shouldn't have?  Questions were pouring forth.  I grabbed a kleenex, wiped my face and blew my nose.  I looked at Hubs and I said "I don't understand the reason, but I KNOW God doesn't make mistakes.  There IS a reason for this, and we may never understand...I just can't believe that He would allow us to finally get pregnant, and then snatch that happiness away.  There is a REASON."
     I moved off of the bed and sat beside Hubs, our arms around each other, both shattered.  We just let ourselves cry.  I don't know how long we were alone in the room.  We were able to look at the ultrasound picture, and it was heartbreaking.  Normally, we would have looked at the picture and been so happy, but knowing what we did, looking at the picture, I saw a pitiful, lifeless baby.  Baby was facedown in my belly, so we couldn't find out the sex.  But I still felt my heartstrings tighten, and I couldn't help but hope that when the specialist came in, we would find out that the tech had been wrong.  That the machine was messing up, and there really was a heartbeat to hear. 
     Dr. Wright came in, and she apologized and said she still had to take a look at the ultrasound.  She wanted to do more measurements and see if she could see anything wrong.  She tilted the bed back pretty far so that the baby would be repositioned;  I couldn't see anything because I was practically on my head. 
     Dr. Wright told us that there was nothing on the ultrasound that showed why this had happened.  She could see no deformaties, the cord wasn't around the neck, etc.  She said sometimes these things just happen, and she apologized for that because she knew that isn't what we wanted to hear.  I told her that it was okay, and she hugged me and said she knew it wasn't.  I told her no, it wasn't, but that it didn't change anything.  She also said that according to the measurements, it appeared to have happened three weeks earlier. 
     Now three weeks earlier would have been the day after our last OB appointment where we heard the heartbeat.  I KNOW that I felt the baby move after that...that I had felt the baby move the previous week.  I KNOW that JJ felt the baby move on February 4th, and Hubs felt the baby move on February 9th.   I couldn't vouch that I had felt the baby move this week because things had been so busy.  We babysat Sheldon on Tuesday and just stayed busy.  Wednesday we spent part of the afternoon cleaning.  Thursday, we were filled with excitement of the upcoming appointment, and it was the first day that I noticed that I didn't feel movement.  But as I said earlier, I just assumed that Baby Aleman was just being shy because I wanted Momma and Grandmutter to feel movement.
     She brought us a packet on grieving.  I told her that the hardest part would be telling our 6 1/2 year old son, JJ.  That he was so excited he CRIED when he found out he was going to be a big brother.  She said there was information in the packet on how to talk to a child about a loss.  She also told us that she would call my OB here in Jacksonville and that I would get a phonecall with further instructions.  I asked her what normally happened next, and she said "Well, since it's been so long, and your body hasn't tried to expel the baby on its own, your OB will give you some medicine to induce labor, and you will go to the hospital and deliver."
     We were led out the back door so that we wouldn't have to walk through a crowded waiting room with tons of pregnant women.  It was only 10:45am.  We had only been back for 45 minutes, and our lives were forever changed.  Hubs and I walked slowly across the lot to our car, and we got in and just sat there.  I can't tell you how long we sat there, just sitting in the car.  It could have been 10 minutes; it could have been 45 minutes. 
     I made the decision not to call Momma before we left because I didn't want to give her this kind of news through a phone call.  We had to stop and get gas, and we had planned to stop for lunch on the way home.  Hubs tried to give words of comfort, and I love him so much.  I know his heart was as broken as mine, and he was trying so hard to be strong for me.  We drove in silence until we came upon a Hardees.  We stopped for a bathroom break and were going to get a small bite.  I told him I was just going to get a drink because I felt like if I ate anything, I would throw up.  I told him I would eat something once we were home.  We both just got drinks, and I told him that we could just sit in the car because the dining room was completely full.  We sat in the parking lot for maybe an hour.  We tried to talk, mostly cried, and held hands.  He kept saying he was sorry, and I told him it was NOT his fault.  He reminded me that it was NOT my fault either.  I told him we had to figure out what to tell JJ.  He asked if I wanted to wait until after we got the call from the OB and could tell him what was going to happen.  I told him no because he is smart and would know something was wrong with us...that I couldn't pretend to be happy, and I didn't know how long it would be before the OB called us.
     We made it home about 1pm.  Momma and Grandmutter had gone to lunch; I sent her a text to let her know that we were home, and she responded that she thought we were going to call.  Before I could write back, my phone rang, and it was Momma.  She said they were at Arbys and had just finished eating and wanted to know if we wanted anything.  I gave her an order for Hubs, and she asked again "I thought you were going to call me when you were on your way home?"  I told her that things had changed, and she said "what changed?"  I told her we would talk about it when she got home.  We hung up and sat on the couch, waiting for them to get back home.  They got here a few minutes later; Hubs and I were sitting on the couch together.  Momma sat on my other side, and Grandmutter sat in the recliner.  Momma asked "what's wrong?"  I said "well..."  Then I just blurted the whole thing out, and I all of the grief that I felt came pouring forth.  I was squeezing Hubs hand, and Momma had me wrapped in her arms.  We all cried together.  Again, I can't tell you how long we cried.  I just know I cried until I could talk again.  I showed her the ultrasound picture and showed her the packet that Dr. Wright had given us.  I told her that we were waiting on a call from the OB to determine what the next step would be.  I assured her that I was in no pain; I'd had no bleeding and no cramping, that if we hadn't just been told there was no heartbeat, then I would assume that everything was normal.
     It was getting close to the time to pick JJ up from school, and Momma said that she would pick him up.  She left, and Hubs went to call his parents.  I ate a half sandwich with Grandmutter watching me.  He was just hanging up when Momma got back with JJ.  Since it was Friday, he had no homework except for reading.  He was ready to finish his homework and go outside to play.  We asked him to sit on the couch, and he asked if he was in trouble.  We told him no, and he asked if it was about the baby.  We told him yes.  He started bouncing because he was so happy.  He asked if we found out if we were having a boy or a girl, and I said no.  He asked if the baby was just being shy because it wanted to surprise us.  We told him no.  Hubs was holding JJ's hand, and I had my arm around him.  I said, "Baby, when we went to the appointment this morning, the dr couldn't find a heartbeat."  JJ sat there just a moment, then looked at me with his solemn eyes and asked "Momma, does that mean the baby  died?"  And my heart shattered all over again.  "Yes" I replied because I didn't know what else to say.  I gathered him up in my arms, and he leaned over to me.  His little hand cupped my belly.  All of the adults were crying again.  JJ said "I just really want to do my homework."  So I let him up to throw away his kleenex, and when he turned around, he looked at me, and his face just crumpled.  I couldn't stop my tears, and I just held open my arms and said "come here, Baby."  He came to me and just sobbed.  I pulled him into my lap the best I could.  Hubs leaned over with us, and we cried in earnest together.  I didn't know what else to say.  He kept trying to stop crying, and Hubs kept telling him it was okay to cry and to be mad or sad.  He kept saying he just wanted to do his homework.  JJ went and got his book and read to us.
     Momma didn't know what to do; she had planned to go home after we returned from the appointment, but she didn't want to leave us alone.  I told her to go, and that I would call her as soon as I knew something.  She made plans to return on Monday after Grandmutter's dr appointment.  As they were packing up the car, I had to go to the bathroom to be sick.  I just couldn't stop throwing up.  I rinsed my mouth and went to pour me some sierra mist.  My head was starting to hurt, but I hadn't had much to drink post appointment, and I had done a lot of crying.  Add being sick, and that is not a good combo.
     After they left, I tried to sit at the table and work on a puzzle.  I couldn't concentrate.  Everytime I sat down, I had to jump up and run to the bathroom.  It was all I could do to get one sip of sierra mist in before I got sick again.  I got several texts from well meaning friends asking about the ultrasound.  I hadn't responded to anyone all day.  I told Hubs that I needed to post on Facebook because that would reach the greatest number of people the fastest.   I shared our heartbreaking news and asked that no one call or text because I wouldn't pick up and to please allow our family time to grieve the loss of our Tiny Angel.
     I finally decided to go lie in the bed and try to read a bit.  I still got up a few times to be sick, but I eventually fell asleep.  I slept for a little over two hours, and my phone rang.  It was 10pm.  It was my OB apologizing for calling so late.  She had received word about what had happened and had been in contact with Labor & Delivery at the local hospital.  She said I could either come in that night or I could come in the next morning.  I told her that we had no one to stay with our son at the moment, and that I would call my mom, but I didn't know what time she would be able to be here.  I told her that I knew Hubs wanted to be with me, and I most definitely wanted him to be with me.  She told me that I had the option of delivering or having a D&C.  The D&C, I would have to schedule an appointment, and I wouldn't be able to do that until Monday.  I told her that we wanted to go in as soon as possible because we needed to begin our grieving and couldn't do that as long as I looked and still felt pregnant.  She told me to sleep on it, call my mom, and she would call back the next day and find out what we wanted to do.
     I went up front to find Hubs on the phone, so I went to the guest room to look for JJ.  He was sound asleep.  I let Hubs finish his phonecall with his brother, and then I filled him in on what the OB and I had talked about.  I called Momma and let her know, and she told me that she would be up first thing in the morning.  Hubs and I sat in the living room for a while longer, talking.  I asked him how JJ was, and he said that JJ had been keeping himself busy, and that he had asked JJ if he was okay.  Hubs said that JJ finally looked at him and said "Daddy, I just don't want to talk about it right now."  So he let JJ be.  JJ played until he was wore out, and then went to bed and fell right asleep.
     Hubs older brother called, and they talked for quite a while.  Hubs and I continued to sit in the living room until after midnight.  We tried to go to sleep, but I tossed and turned.  My head wasn't hurting anymore, but my heart was.  I held my belly and tried to get comfortable in the bed....