What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
~Laura Story, Blessings
If you've never heard this song, look it up. Listen. REALLY listen. This has been one of my favorite songs for several months; I had told Hubs a while back that it was my new theme song. It seemed that whenever I was upset, frustrated, scared...whatever...I heard it on the radio and was reminded that I am NOT alone. I was also reminded that blessings are not always so straight forward. When we were so shattered on our way home that Friday, this song came on. My heart continued to ache and break, the tears started anew, but the reminder was loud and clear. God is with me, no matter the circumstances. Hubs has a hard time listening to this song now because it played that day...and when he was following the ambulance, he heard it. I won't lie-it's not a jump for joy kind of song. It has a more somber undercurrent. But it's a beautiful song. Really. If you haven't heard it, you should do so.
I went to bed fairly early last night, around 9pm. I read a little of this murder mystery that I have been trying to get through. I fell asleep maybe around 9:30pm with the book still in my hand. I woke up later when Hubs was taking the book out of my hand. I slept so well though. I didn't get up until 6:45 this morning when my alarm when off. My headache is gone, woohoo!
We have to arrive at my appointment by 10:30am. Hopefully they will be able to take us early like they did last time, and our appointment won't last long. The first one is at 11am; the hematologist appointment is at 2pm. We'll be driving separate cars so that Hubs can leave if need be to pick JJ up from school. I'm sure that I'll have more to share later this afternoon.
So, we arrived about 10:45ish to the first appointment. After checking in, they sent me right over to Lab D (which is in another building)...no worries...we go over, hand them the paperwork, and they have me sit down to get weight and blood pressure. I weighed 2 lbs more than I had weighed at Momma's house over the weekend, but I had eaten breakfast and had been drinking water, so I wasn't bummed about the number. I sat down in the chair and answered some questions about my medical history. The lady asked me what I was having done today, and I told her that I was supposed to get my platelets checked along with my blood pressure...and depending on my blood pressure, I needed a prescription for birth control. She looked confused, looked down at the paper, and I guess at my info in the computer and said "But aren't you pregnant?" So I took a deep breath and said "I was, but we lost the baby just over two weeks ago. When we went in for the delivery, they discovered my low platelet count, and when I left, they wanted me to have a check up on my blood pressure before putting me on the Pill." I could tell by the look on her face that she felt A.W.F.U.L. So, we went over a few more things, and then it was time to take my blood pressure. As she's putting the cuff on, she tells me "I tried to wait a few minutes to let your blood pressure level out because I surprised you with that question. I am so sorry!" Now, if she had just taken my BP, I wouldn't have thought twice about her asking me, but she reminded me as she was about to take it! My BP was 131/90. She tells me to go think happy thoughts in the lobby, and she would retake my BP in a bit. I go sit with Hubs, we talk a few minutes, then I grab his hand and hold it while thinking happy thoughts about him and JJ and how much I love them and how happy they make me. Good music was playing; we were the only ones in the lobby, so I sang along. Another lady comes from the back with her son and friend and sits down. The nurse comes to take my BP. She brought the machine out to me so I didn't have to move. I'm convinced that my BP will be lower because I am SO relaxed. In the middle of the reading, the other lady that had come out tells her son "See? Here's a picture of your baby brother!" and shows him an ultrasound picture. My heart fell. Literally. The cuff started tightening again, and the nurse was like "I don't know why it does that! You haven't moved an inch." The reading was high. 141/91. The nurse sighed and said "we tried." They had me stay in the lobby until it was time to see the dr.
They call me back, walk me to the room, and then ask "Did you want your husband with you?" So, I walk back up, get Hubs, and go back to the room. It felt like we waited a long time, but it wasn't really that long. Hubs and I were both just blah and anxious. My BP was high, so we didn't think they would prescribe me any birth control (since I had wanted the Pill instead of a long term contraceptive); we knew we were going to have to talk about losing the baby, and just sitting in the room with ultrasound gel on the counter was enough to make us blah.
The dr came in, and she was so incredibly nice. The nurse had filled her in, so she didn't ask why we were there (although, when I called to make the appointment, I told them why, so I had assumed that would be in my charts.) She asked if I needed anything to help sleep, and I told her no, I was sleeping through the night. She asked if I was wanting birth control, and I told her yes...but I didn't know if we could get the Pill because of my blood pressure. She suggested the mirena, and I told her that we were hoping to try again within a year. She agreed that the mirena was not the best choice unless we were going to wait a year or more. She vetoed the depo shot because it causes weight gain (and I am hoping to continue with my weight loss). She finally settled on a progesterone only mini-pill. For those mommas that have nursed and gotten on the Pill after giving birth, this is the pill that you take. It's only 95% effective (nursing usually increases that, but since I'm not nursing....) We talked about my previous pregnancy with JJ: the low platelets, the pre-eclampsia, and the eventual c-section. She asked if I'd had gestational diabetes, and I told her no. She asked if I'd been tested this time, and I told her no because they usually do all of that testing around 20 weeks, and I was only at 17. I told her they had done the 24 hour urine test to check for pre-eclampsia because my BP had been so high, but that it came back negative. She told me that they were going to do some blood work on me to check my platelets and to also check if I was insulin dependent. She was also going to check for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Because it took so long to conceive the second time, she suspects that I may have PCOS. We also talked about weight loss and how losing weight would help with conception (when we start trying again)...and it would also help my blood pressure. (Which I had already known and had been trying to lose weight before we found out we were expecting. The good news is that I've lost weight throughout the first trimester-12 pounds- and I have lost weight in the last two weeks.) The dr said I could start walking again (yay!) I have an appointment in three weeks to go over my blood work and possibly do a 2 hour glucose test for diabetes (depending on how the blood work for the insulin dependency goes)...Something else to worry about...PCOS (which my dr in Boone had mentioned way back when and told me that we wouldn't know until I started trying to have kids and couldn't conceive because one of the signs of this is infertility...and I went through all that time, not knowing if I could ever have kids...and I had told Hubs that when we were married and started trying to have kids, I didn't know if I could conceive...it was a huge shock when we conceived JJ within a month...so I didn't think anything else of it...and then it took almost six years to conceive Baby #2...)...diabetes (which runs in my family...Momma has diabetes and so does Grandmutter...Granddaddy had it when he was alive...)
Our appointment finished right at noon, so we headed over to walmart to drop off my prescription and decided to get a quick bite to eat. We ended up at Taco Bell; neither of us were very hungry, so we ordered something small. We talked a little bit then headed back to walmart. We picked up a few things we needed then headed to the pharmacy to get my prescription. It was about 1:15 at this point, so we decided to head on over to where my appointment was, and then we would sit in my car and listen to our story for a few minutes. (We were in two cars in case the second appointment was long so that Hubs could go pick up JJ.)
We arrived about 1:30 and listened to our story about 15 minutes. At this point, I was still feeling good. I was tired because we had been out since just after 10am, but my headache hadn't returned. I check in and was given a mountain of paperwork to complete. I sit and start filling everything out when I was called back up to the check in area. They needed to know who to contact to get my records because they had NO paperwork on me. I told them I had been in Wilmington when I had gotten the referral, but they were supposed to fax everything to my dr here in town. I gave the information, and they called over to have the information faxed. I sat back down to finish filling everything out, and I could feel a slight twinge begin right behind my eyes. I knew I was starting to really stress out because I was worried they would tell me that they couldn't see me because they had no paperwork. Someone from my dr hand carried my records over, but they only had one sheet (probably from my appointment that day). Hubs alarm went off at 2:30, and we were still sitting in the lobby. At 2:40, they called me back, and I sent Hubs on to pick up JJ. I told the guy that my BP had been high at my first appointment, and I'd eaten lunch between appointments. He wanted to know how it came about to get my platelets checked, and I had to retell the story to him. I told him that we had lost the baby and that it was still rather raw. He asked how far along I had been, and I told him that when we found out, I was 17 weeks and 2 days. He was shocked. He took my BP and my temperature. The temp finished before the BP, and he says "wow. Did you know you're sick?" I was like "What?!" and sure enough. I had a temp of 101.4 and had no idea. I hadn't felt bad (other than the headache, but it had gone away with a good night of sleep....only to return at this appointment because they had no paperwork on me.) Then the BP finished...I can't even tell you what the top number was because the bottom number was 105. He told me that he would get another reading later. He took my weight, and I told him what I had weighed that morning...he told me I gained two pounds at lunch. I can't really complain because it hadn't been that long since we had eaten. I then went back to the little room to wait for the dr. I had brought a book, so I started reading.
This dr was so nice as well! We talked about my low platelets, my first pregnancy, and taking prednisone at the end. I then told her that my counts had gotten down to 29k but went back up to 45k the next day. She told me that they would do blood work to check my platelets and to check my antibodies to make sure that I didn't have the type that were attacking my platelets. She said if I had that type, then sometimes during pregnancy, the antibodies could cross the placenta, and it could be bad for the baby (unless other measures were taken). She said that it didn't typically happen until much later in the pregnancy than I had been...usually the third trimester.
She took me to the lab, and the lab tech was so nice. She noticed I had a cotton swab already on my arm and she said "ooh...someone already bit you!" I laughed and said "yeah, this morning at my first appointment." Instead of using a bandaid, they used surgical tape (super sticky surgical tape at that), so when I took it off, it made a blood blister in the crook of my arm. The lab tech was like "OUCH. That just took off your skin!" She took blood from the opposite arm and used this really cool bandage stuff that stuck to itself instead of my skin. My platelets were at 47k. Still low for normal people, but higher than mine had been two weeks ago.
The dr came in to talk to me again and told me that she would see me again in one week to go over the rest of my blood work and to possibly discuss me taking a steroid to boost my counts. :sigh: Not that it won't help because it did during my pregnancy with JJ...I'm just beginning to feel like I have a portable pharmacy in my kitchen. JJ already takes like 6 things a day...(vitamin, singulair, zyrtech, daily inhaler, flonase, and Tums...poor kid started getting heartburn, so he takes one in the morning and one at night)...and then my meds: labetalol for the blood pressure, prenatal vitamin (my dr wants me to take it as an every day vitamin), the birth control that I just had filled, and now possibly a daily steroid. Hubs just takes a daily multivitamin...lucky him. LOL.
I scheduled my appointment, paid my co-pay, and headed home. It was almost 3:30. Hubs and JJ were home working on homework. They finished, and I told Hubs about my appointment...the high blood pressure, the two pound gain after lunch...and OH..apparently I'm sick. I had just finished telling him that when my phone rang; it was the lab tech from the second appointment. She wanted me to make sure that I contacted the OB to make her aware of the platelet count and the temp. Since I had delivered two weeks prior, it could be an infection setting in. (Stress anyone?)
I called the OB and left a message with the nurse with what the hematologist said and for her to please call back. I hung up and finished telling Hubs about my appointment and the blood work...and the "new" platelet count. He was thinking like me..."It's higher than it was two weeks ago!" (You have to be positive about the small things...especially during times like these...or else you will drown in the little stuff.)
I had just finished telling him about the rest of the appointment, and my phone rings again. The same dr office. It was the guy this time, wanting to know what I was taking for my fever. I told him nothing because I hadn't been aware that I had a fever until he told me, and I had nothing at home to take. I told him I was waiting for the OB to call to find out what I needed to do.
Momma called me when she got home (it was after 4 at this point), so I was telling her about everything. And really, there's nothing else to do but keep a sense of humor at this point. So, I told her about the first appointment, and then I said "as if I didn't have enough going on, apparently I'm sick!" I told her about the temperature at the second appointment. I told her that I didn't feel bad (except for the headache that was trying really hard to become a raging migraine). I told her I was waiting to talk to her, and then I was going to go lie in the bed for a bit. My phone beeped, and it was the OB. We hung up, and I talked with the OB. She apologized for not realizing I didn't feel well, and I told her that was just it, I felt fine. I wasn't having chills or aches or anything indicating that I was sick. She asked if I was having any pain in the pelvic area or when I tried to urinate. I told her no, I was in no pain whatsoever. She said that she didn't suspect an infection; that I was allowed to just get sick...but she wanted me to take it easy, and if I started having trouble using the bathroom or if I noticed any pain, to contact her, and they would fit me in. We hung up, and I called Momma back to let her know what the dr had said. We talked a few more minutes, said our goodbyes, and then I asked Hubs if he would be OK getting dinner ready. I went to bed; I read for a few minutes, and then I fell asleep. (I had taken my temperature at home, and it was 100.3...it had gone down, but only by 1 degree.) I woke up sometime later, and I was shivering. I had the blankets bundled around me, but my feet were freezing. I got up, found my slipper socks, and put on a sweatshirt. I came up (it was about 6:30), told Hubs I was freezing, and he wrapped his arms around me. He was SO warm...I decided to fix me some hot tea. Hubs had made chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes, and veggies, so I ate a few nuggets and some mashed potatoes. I drank two cups of hot tea. I would get hot, then get cold. I sat in the living room with my boys until 8pm, and right after JJ went to bed, I went to bed. I had 10 pages left in my book. I finished those, and then I went to sleep. I woke up a little after 9 and took my temperature...100.6, going back up. I drank some water and went back to bed. My body felt hot and cold...not a fun combo because I couldn't decide if I needed the covers on or off. I finally decided to keep the covers on with one leg hanging out and my arm hanging out.
I felt bad for not getting this posted yesterday, but I really just did not feel up to sitting in front of the computer. As the evening wore on, I started getting achy. I told Hubs that if I didn't know any better (as in I had gotten the flu shot), then I would think I was getting the flu. It was that kind of achy...my eyes hurt when I blinked...my hair even hurt at the roots. It was pretty pitiful...
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Another Day Has Almost Come And Gone
Can't imagine what else could go wrong.
~Jo Dee Messina, Bring On The Rain
I've been fighting a small headache today. It could very well be a caffeine headache. After months of no caffeine, I drank part of a diet coke on the way home Sunday. Yesterday, after my tears, my head was hurting, but I assumed it was from crying and not drinking enough water throughout the day. This morning I woke with a slight headache. I decided to drink the rest of my diet coke and see if that helps.
I'm feeling anxious about my dr appointments tomorrow. Part of me is worried that I won't be able to get on birth control (something Hubs and I both agreed we wanted to do); while we know that we are going to try again within a year, we are not looking to get pregnant again right away.
The headache hasn't gotten any worse as the day progressed; at some points, it even seemed to be gone. Right now, it seems to be gone, but bright lights aggravate the pain. :sigh: I don't want to be battling a headache tomorrow along with having two different dr appointments.
The Biggest Loser is yanking at my heart strings right now. I can't say that I wouldn't have reacted in the same way if my child had been born live and then passed away. I am currently still losing weight. I pray that I don't start packing on the pounds. Again, I am completely aware that I am an emotional eater.
This week is a Dr. Seuss spirit week at JJ's school. Today was pajama day. You have never seen a kid so excited that he got to wake up, take off the jammies he wore to bed, only to put on a clean pair....then to get to wear those same jammies all day long and go straight to bed after his nighttime routine.
I still have pictures on my camera to load to the laptop. I haven't forgotten; I just haven't felt like putting forth the effort to load them. I promise they WILL get loaded...I just can't say when.
Last night at Subway, JJ's friend (the Subway girl) was working. She was so excited, as was JJ. She always talks to him and writes him little notes on napkins. The last time we had seen her was the week of that fateful ultrasound. We'd had such a wonderful dinner, and JJ told her that I had an appointment to find out if he was having a brother or a sister. She squealed! So, last night is the first time we've seen her since everything happened. We got our dinner, and as we were eating, she brought a note for JJ. I read (most) of it outloud to him. But she said "You still have to let me know if you are having a bro or a sis." I just looked at Hubs. I didn't read that part out to JJ. Hubs said that he would bring her up to date with everything. We waited until thing slowed down, and JJ and I went to the bathroom. Hubs talked with her and let her know we were okay, but we felt she should be aware...It was the first time he's had to tell someone out in public.
We spent karate time in the car having a long talk. The emotions are just coming at us from all sides. Today didn't seem as emotional, but I was just wore out. I kept yawning all day long (and I had slept in this morning!)
Hopefully tomorrow I will be cleared to start exercising again. At least so I can start walking around our loop. It's 1.2 miles around. I need to be able to do something; I need the endorphins. I don't like chocolate enough to just sit and stuff my face with it to get them that way. I'm really ready for Jillian to scream at me some more. She keeps my heart pumping.
We also learned today that opening the blinds behind the tv affects the Wii sensor. Our remotes have been acting crazy the last few days. JJ was trying to play Super Mario Galaxy, and he got so mad. He was all "Daddy! I'm NOT pointing the remote that way and LOOK!" And Mario kept trying to jump off into space even though JJ was clearly trying to move in the opposite direction. All is well now though-remotes are working correctly after we shut the blinds.
I definitely don't think I am going to make it another hour to watch the end of Biggest Loser tonight. Prayers please that the appointments tomorrow go well!
~Jo Dee Messina, Bring On The Rain
I've been fighting a small headache today. It could very well be a caffeine headache. After months of no caffeine, I drank part of a diet coke on the way home Sunday. Yesterday, after my tears, my head was hurting, but I assumed it was from crying and not drinking enough water throughout the day. This morning I woke with a slight headache. I decided to drink the rest of my diet coke and see if that helps.
I'm feeling anxious about my dr appointments tomorrow. Part of me is worried that I won't be able to get on birth control (something Hubs and I both agreed we wanted to do); while we know that we are going to try again within a year, we are not looking to get pregnant again right away.
The headache hasn't gotten any worse as the day progressed; at some points, it even seemed to be gone. Right now, it seems to be gone, but bright lights aggravate the pain. :sigh: I don't want to be battling a headache tomorrow along with having two different dr appointments.
The Biggest Loser is yanking at my heart strings right now. I can't say that I wouldn't have reacted in the same way if my child had been born live and then passed away. I am currently still losing weight. I pray that I don't start packing on the pounds. Again, I am completely aware that I am an emotional eater.
This week is a Dr. Seuss spirit week at JJ's school. Today was pajama day. You have never seen a kid so excited that he got to wake up, take off the jammies he wore to bed, only to put on a clean pair....then to get to wear those same jammies all day long and go straight to bed after his nighttime routine.
I still have pictures on my camera to load to the laptop. I haven't forgotten; I just haven't felt like putting forth the effort to load them. I promise they WILL get loaded...I just can't say when.
Last night at Subway, JJ's friend (the Subway girl) was working. She was so excited, as was JJ. She always talks to him and writes him little notes on napkins. The last time we had seen her was the week of that fateful ultrasound. We'd had such a wonderful dinner, and JJ told her that I had an appointment to find out if he was having a brother or a sister. She squealed! So, last night is the first time we've seen her since everything happened. We got our dinner, and as we were eating, she brought a note for JJ. I read (most) of it outloud to him. But she said "You still have to let me know if you are having a bro or a sis." I just looked at Hubs. I didn't read that part out to JJ. Hubs said that he would bring her up to date with everything. We waited until thing slowed down, and JJ and I went to the bathroom. Hubs talked with her and let her know we were okay, but we felt she should be aware...It was the first time he's had to tell someone out in public.
We spent karate time in the car having a long talk. The emotions are just coming at us from all sides. Today didn't seem as emotional, but I was just wore out. I kept yawning all day long (and I had slept in this morning!)
Hopefully tomorrow I will be cleared to start exercising again. At least so I can start walking around our loop. It's 1.2 miles around. I need to be able to do something; I need the endorphins. I don't like chocolate enough to just sit and stuff my face with it to get them that way. I'm really ready for Jillian to scream at me some more. She keeps my heart pumping.
We also learned today that opening the blinds behind the tv affects the Wii sensor. Our remotes have been acting crazy the last few days. JJ was trying to play Super Mario Galaxy, and he got so mad. He was all "Daddy! I'm NOT pointing the remote that way and LOOK!" And Mario kept trying to jump off into space even though JJ was clearly trying to move in the opposite direction. All is well now though-remotes are working correctly after we shut the blinds.
I definitely don't think I am going to make it another hour to watch the end of Biggest Loser tonight. Prayers please that the appointments tomorrow go well!
Monday, March 5, 2012
It's Just Another Manic Monday
I wish it was Sunday...
Today was a highly emotional day. It seems that my body knew that my emotions were getting the best of me way before my brain or even my heart knew. I woke this morning and got JJ ready for school. Then it seemed that I started eating...I ate croissants for breakfast...then I had a fudge popsicle about an hour later. Not that much longer after that, I had chimichangas for lunch, then pretzels and a banana. I felt like I couldn't stop eating. I was hungry. My stomach was growling. But my brain knew that it was just my emotions taking over. I am fully aware that I am an emotional eater. I have been doing my absolute best not to fall into the slump of just eating my worries away...stuffing myself silly.
Knitting and crocheting has helped along with working a puzzle. Today I caught up on a few things Hubs had recorded on dvr for me. I watched a Disney original movie, Radio Rebel and an episode of Mobbed. I talked with my sister on the phone for a bit. Hubs and I had an emotional conversation. I cried a lot of tears. Maybe it was just time for them to come out.
I still haven't talked to anyone but family on the phone. Just not ready for that step yet. I did well on Saturday, being around everyone. Baby steps. We will get back into our normal routine...whatever normal is now, right? Momma's friend said it best "Normal will never be the same." or something similar...
I have two appointments on Wednesday. First with the OB; I had been told to schedule an appointment so that they could check my platelet count and my blood pressure. I am hoping that my blood pressure is doing well so that I can be prescribed a birth control. I was told at the hospital that the Pill wouldn't be a good choice unless my blood pressure was under control because the estrogen could cause blood clots and stroke. They wanted to put me on something more long term, but since we are hoping to start trying again within a year, it wouldn't be worth the trouble of getting started on something like the depo shot or the mirena. Those are more long-term; like something if we wanted to wait 3-5 years before trying again. Second I have an appointment with a hemotologist; I suppose they are also going to take blood to check my platelets and to discuss with me if it's a pregnancy related occurance or if I have an autoimmune disorder. (I do know that when my platelets were low with my first pregnancy, they did further testing to check for lupus and leukemia and both had come back negative. It was decided that it was pregnancy induced ITP.) This time, the dr's mentioned an autoimmune disorder where basically my white blood cells attack my platelets; this goes through cycles...where my count will increase and decrease....OR if it *IS* pregnancy related, to be aware that with each pregnancy, it will probably get worse. (If I had been informed earlier in my pregnancy, then I could have been taking prednisone to increase my counts, and I wouldn't have had to be in the hospital for so long.)
I know this isn't long; emotional days are draining. Good Night, Loveys...
Today was a highly emotional day. It seems that my body knew that my emotions were getting the best of me way before my brain or even my heart knew. I woke this morning and got JJ ready for school. Then it seemed that I started eating...I ate croissants for breakfast...then I had a fudge popsicle about an hour later. Not that much longer after that, I had chimichangas for lunch, then pretzels and a banana. I felt like I couldn't stop eating. I was hungry. My stomach was growling. But my brain knew that it was just my emotions taking over. I am fully aware that I am an emotional eater. I have been doing my absolute best not to fall into the slump of just eating my worries away...stuffing myself silly.
Knitting and crocheting has helped along with working a puzzle. Today I caught up on a few things Hubs had recorded on dvr for me. I watched a Disney original movie, Radio Rebel and an episode of Mobbed. I talked with my sister on the phone for a bit. Hubs and I had an emotional conversation. I cried a lot of tears. Maybe it was just time for them to come out.
I still haven't talked to anyone but family on the phone. Just not ready for that step yet. I did well on Saturday, being around everyone. Baby steps. We will get back into our normal routine...whatever normal is now, right? Momma's friend said it best "Normal will never be the same." or something similar...
I have two appointments on Wednesday. First with the OB; I had been told to schedule an appointment so that they could check my platelet count and my blood pressure. I am hoping that my blood pressure is doing well so that I can be prescribed a birth control. I was told at the hospital that the Pill wouldn't be a good choice unless my blood pressure was under control because the estrogen could cause blood clots and stroke. They wanted to put me on something more long term, but since we are hoping to start trying again within a year, it wouldn't be worth the trouble of getting started on something like the depo shot or the mirena. Those are more long-term; like something if we wanted to wait 3-5 years before trying again. Second I have an appointment with a hemotologist; I suppose they are also going to take blood to check my platelets and to discuss with me if it's a pregnancy related occurance or if I have an autoimmune disorder. (I do know that when my platelets were low with my first pregnancy, they did further testing to check for lupus and leukemia and both had come back negative. It was decided that it was pregnancy induced ITP.) This time, the dr's mentioned an autoimmune disorder where basically my white blood cells attack my platelets; this goes through cycles...where my count will increase and decrease....OR if it *IS* pregnancy related, to be aware that with each pregnancy, it will probably get worse. (If I had been informed earlier in my pregnancy, then I could have been taking prednisone to increase my counts, and I wouldn't have had to be in the hospital for so long.)
I know this isn't long; emotional days are draining. Good Night, Loveys...
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Blue Skies Smiling At Me
Nothing but blue skies, do I see.
What a lazy day today has been. It's been rather cool; we picked up Grandmutter and brought her over to Momma's house. We spent the morning/afternoon together. JJ spent the morning in the dirt with the dogs (he's a boy; what can I say?) We went out to lunch. It was yummy lunch, but a bittersweet time for me. The last time we had eaten there was New Year's Eve, and we were celebrating such a different time. Barely two months ago, yet it feels ages.
JJ, in that little boy way of his, asked "Momma, you remember the last time we were here and the baby was still alive?" "yes" I answered...because it was a fun time. I kept eating hotter and spicier food and just couldn't get enough; JJ was still convinced that I was having twins (because it would be cool to get TWO babies), and given the names Rocket and Rosalina. My dad laughed and said that they would be Rocket and Missile and come shooting out if I kept eating as much spicy food as I had been....Good times; great memories...
On our trip up on Friday, we had to make a potty stop for JJ. While in the bathroom, he asked me, "Momma, if the baby hadn't died...if he or she was born when they were supposed to, what would happen to me?" I asked "what do you mean?" He said "When you would go to the hospital to have the baby, where would I go?" I hugged him and told him that Grammie would either be at our house with him, or he would have been at Grammie's house with her. He said "Okay. I was just wondering what would happen to me when you and Daddy went to the hospital."
He still doesn't really want to talk about everything, but every so often, he'll ask a random question that takes us off-guard. I love him so much, and I remind him often how much he is loved and that he can talk to us whenever he wants. He is SUCH a good kid; it irritates me that neighborhood kids bully him and call him names. I am so thankful that he comes home and talks about it and does his best to ignore the meanness.
On the drive home today, the weather was NUTS. It only rained a little bit on us, but the sky was crazy looking. It was dark on one side, then blue skies on the other. Then the sun was setting behind us, so it made everything reddish...then we saw a rainbow. I tried to grab a few pics with my phone....
I still don't know how to zoom. But the craziness of the sky, and then the sudden rainbow are all shown.
I love that JJ and Hubs have JJ-Daddy time quite regularly; I hate that tonight it happens to be 9:00pm, and they are still talking :) It sounds like JJ is having a lot of questions about karate before bedtime. Or he could just be prolonging the inevitable "good night." He was pretty tired on our trip home. It was just that sort of day. Before we even left, I was catnapping in the recliner at Momma's house.
I did get pictures of yesterday's party. I will get them loaded tomorrow and probably posted to Facebook. I have no idea of the rest of our plans. I might try to sleep in.
We watched Zookeeper with my parents last night. I liked it-kept me laughing. I need lots of laughs in my life. I have lots of knitting to work on. I am so glad I have projects and a purpose instead of trying to figure out what to do to keep busy. Perhaps my keeping busy is prolonging the grieving? I don't know yet. I do know that I don't want to sit around all day crying.
Kasey aka Fat Cat is feeling very needy. We left her for 2 nights. She has been fussing at us since we got home. I think she smells Annabel on us. She most definitely is NOT happy that her baby was being loved on by another animal! (JJ is her baby; she may not have forgiven me for bringing him home from the hospital, but she gets an attitude if we take him away or if another animal pays attention to him. The first time that Momma babysat her after JJ was born, she was so upset that she made herself sick. When we went to pick her up, she went straight to JJ and had to sniff him all over and rub all over him and love on him. She doesn't do very well when we take JJ away...or even when he goes to visit Grammie and Poppy for a few days without her.)
I've been so tired all day. At first I thought it was because yesterday was such a busy day for us-the busiest since we've been home from Wilmington. Now I'm not so sure. Maybe I am JUST tired. I don't feel depressed. I'm not having any "bad" thoughts. I feel like I've been getting good sleep at night. I'm not having any nightmares or any trouble sleeping. I do wait to go to bed until I'm so tired that I pretty much fall asleep as soon as I hit the pillow, but that's because I don't enjoy the what ifs. I don't enjoy driving myself crazy.
I think I'll get this posted; tomorrow is a new day! Good Night, Loveys...
What a lazy day today has been. It's been rather cool; we picked up Grandmutter and brought her over to Momma's house. We spent the morning/afternoon together. JJ spent the morning in the dirt with the dogs (he's a boy; what can I say?) We went out to lunch. It was yummy lunch, but a bittersweet time for me. The last time we had eaten there was New Year's Eve, and we were celebrating such a different time. Barely two months ago, yet it feels ages.
JJ, in that little boy way of his, asked "Momma, you remember the last time we were here and the baby was still alive?" "yes" I answered...because it was a fun time. I kept eating hotter and spicier food and just couldn't get enough; JJ was still convinced that I was having twins (because it would be cool to get TWO babies), and given the names Rocket and Rosalina. My dad laughed and said that they would be Rocket and Missile and come shooting out if I kept eating as much spicy food as I had been....Good times; great memories...
On our trip up on Friday, we had to make a potty stop for JJ. While in the bathroom, he asked me, "Momma, if the baby hadn't died...if he or she was born when they were supposed to, what would happen to me?" I asked "what do you mean?" He said "When you would go to the hospital to have the baby, where would I go?" I hugged him and told him that Grammie would either be at our house with him, or he would have been at Grammie's house with her. He said "Okay. I was just wondering what would happen to me when you and Daddy went to the hospital."
He still doesn't really want to talk about everything, but every so often, he'll ask a random question that takes us off-guard. I love him so much, and I remind him often how much he is loved and that he can talk to us whenever he wants. He is SUCH a good kid; it irritates me that neighborhood kids bully him and call him names. I am so thankful that he comes home and talks about it and does his best to ignore the meanness.
On the drive home today, the weather was NUTS. It only rained a little bit on us, but the sky was crazy looking. It was dark on one side, then blue skies on the other. Then the sun was setting behind us, so it made everything reddish...then we saw a rainbow. I tried to grab a few pics with my phone....
I love that JJ and Hubs have JJ-Daddy time quite regularly; I hate that tonight it happens to be 9:00pm, and they are still talking :) It sounds like JJ is having a lot of questions about karate before bedtime. Or he could just be prolonging the inevitable "good night." He was pretty tired on our trip home. It was just that sort of day. Before we even left, I was catnapping in the recliner at Momma's house.
I did get pictures of yesterday's party. I will get them loaded tomorrow and probably posted to Facebook. I have no idea of the rest of our plans. I might try to sleep in.
We watched Zookeeper with my parents last night. I liked it-kept me laughing. I need lots of laughs in my life. I have lots of knitting to work on. I am so glad I have projects and a purpose instead of trying to figure out what to do to keep busy. Perhaps my keeping busy is prolonging the grieving? I don't know yet. I do know that I don't want to sit around all day crying.
Kasey aka Fat Cat is feeling very needy. We left her for 2 nights. She has been fussing at us since we got home. I think she smells Annabel on us. She most definitely is NOT happy that her baby was being loved on by another animal! (JJ is her baby; she may not have forgiven me for bringing him home from the hospital, but she gets an attitude if we take him away or if another animal pays attention to him. The first time that Momma babysat her after JJ was born, she was so upset that she made herself sick. When we went to pick her up, she went straight to JJ and had to sniff him all over and rub all over him and love on him. She doesn't do very well when we take JJ away...or even when he goes to visit Grammie and Poppy for a few days without her.)
I've been so tired all day. At first I thought it was because yesterday was such a busy day for us-the busiest since we've been home from Wilmington. Now I'm not so sure. Maybe I am JUST tired. I don't feel depressed. I'm not having any "bad" thoughts. I feel like I've been getting good sleep at night. I'm not having any nightmares or any trouble sleeping. I do wait to go to bed until I'm so tired that I pretty much fall asleep as soon as I hit the pillow, but that's because I don't enjoy the what ifs. I don't enjoy driving myself crazy.
I think I'll get this posted; tomorrow is a new day! Good Night, Loveys...
If All The Raindrops Were Lemondrops And Gumdrops
Oh what a world this would be!
A few random things that I thought about last night while lying in bed that I had meant to mention in previous posts:
1. JJ started talked to his brothers again the Friday evening after we told him that the baby had no heartbeat. When Momma came back the next day, we heard him talking and tried to figure out who he was talking to before it dawned on me that he was talking to his brothers. I even asked him to make sure who he was talking to, and he replied "I'm talking to my brothers, Momma!" I told Momma that he hadn't talked to his brothers since he found out he was going to be a big brother, and for her not to be surprised while at her house if she heard him talking to his brothers again.
2. I weighed myself last night and again this morning (just to be sure because you weigh more at night). I've lost 3 more lbs since last Sunday evening. I promise I am eating. I haven't been cleared to exercise, so besides the little bit of walking that I've done on our shopping excursions, I've been relaxing on the couch or at the table working on a puzzle.
3. We saw a spectacular sunset on our trip last night. It was all grey and cloudy out, and as we rounded a corner, there was this brilliant ball of gold peeking through a hole in the nastiness. It lit up the skyline. Hubs, JJ, and I all commented on the craziness of the colors compared to the rain we had literally JUST passed.
(not the best pic; my phone doesn't zoom...or I don't know how to zoom in, and we were driving...)
4. I KNOW that God is watching over me. After seeing the sunset in front of us, I stared out of my window. I noticed this cloud that looked like a heart; before I could say anything to Hubs, I watched the heart separate (as if becoming wings), and a head peeked out of the top. It looked just like an angel following us along.
Today was a busy day. Little M 's birthday party was amazing! So many friends and family gathered to celebrate the life of this amazing little boy. Yesterday, I mentioned the anxiety that I was feeling about today...it's the first "non-family" thing we've done since everything happened. I wasn't sure how I would feel being around so many people, especially so many babies and small children.
It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. So much love radiated for Little M throughout the party; we watched a video with pictures of his first year of life. I did take a lot of deep breaths during that. I wasn't emotional because of my loss; I was emotional because the video was a reminder of everything that Little M has fought through and survived. He is amazing; such a sweet personality on a beautiful little boy!
It also felt REALLY good to catch up with friends from high school. M&M, and I ran our mouths and introduced our significant others to each other. J&S and Hubs spent time talking and getting to know each other as well. We MUST get together again, soon!
I also talked with Mrs. M, a very special lady, about everything that happened. She had such healing words to share. God knows...He knows exactly what He is doing...exactly where we needed to be....and put us in a place where she would give me the words that I needed to hear.
Here are some reminders: Promises About Joy:
"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy." ~Job 8:21
"Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." ~Psalm 30:5
"God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me." ~Genesis 21:6
"Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, 'The Lord has done great things for them.' " ~Psalm 126:2
I was reminded of this yesterday. Watching the antics of Little M as he dug into his first birthday cake had me laughing so hard. And I didn't feel guilty for the laughter! (Something that I have been struggling with the last few weeks.) Watching the kids in the bouncing house...while it was drizzly brought smiles for both Hubs and I. Standing around talking to friends and catching up allowed more healing for my heart.
I thank God continuously for the little things: family, friends, and laughter...the blessings that get me through the day to day life.
A few random things that I thought about last night while lying in bed that I had meant to mention in previous posts:
1. JJ started talked to his brothers again the Friday evening after we told him that the baby had no heartbeat. When Momma came back the next day, we heard him talking and tried to figure out who he was talking to before it dawned on me that he was talking to his brothers. I even asked him to make sure who he was talking to, and he replied "I'm talking to my brothers, Momma!" I told Momma that he hadn't talked to his brothers since he found out he was going to be a big brother, and for her not to be surprised while at her house if she heard him talking to his brothers again.
2. I weighed myself last night and again this morning (just to be sure because you weigh more at night). I've lost 3 more lbs since last Sunday evening. I promise I am eating. I haven't been cleared to exercise, so besides the little bit of walking that I've done on our shopping excursions, I've been relaxing on the couch or at the table working on a puzzle.
3. We saw a spectacular sunset on our trip last night. It was all grey and cloudy out, and as we rounded a corner, there was this brilliant ball of gold peeking through a hole in the nastiness. It lit up the skyline. Hubs, JJ, and I all commented on the craziness of the colors compared to the rain we had literally JUST passed.
4. I KNOW that God is watching over me. After seeing the sunset in front of us, I stared out of my window. I noticed this cloud that looked like a heart; before I could say anything to Hubs, I watched the heart separate (as if becoming wings), and a head peeked out of the top. It looked just like an angel following us along.
Today was a busy day. Little M 's birthday party was amazing! So many friends and family gathered to celebrate the life of this amazing little boy. Yesterday, I mentioned the anxiety that I was feeling about today...it's the first "non-family" thing we've done since everything happened. I wasn't sure how I would feel being around so many people, especially so many babies and small children.
It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. So much love radiated for Little M throughout the party; we watched a video with pictures of his first year of life. I did take a lot of deep breaths during that. I wasn't emotional because of my loss; I was emotional because the video was a reminder of everything that Little M has fought through and survived. He is amazing; such a sweet personality on a beautiful little boy!
It also felt REALLY good to catch up with friends from high school. M&M, and I ran our mouths and introduced our significant others to each other. J&S and Hubs spent time talking and getting to know each other as well. We MUST get together again, soon!
I also talked with Mrs. M, a very special lady, about everything that happened. She had such healing words to share. God knows...He knows exactly what He is doing...exactly where we needed to be....and put us in a place where she would give me the words that I needed to hear.
Here are some reminders: Promises About Joy:
"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy." ~Job 8:21
"Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." ~Psalm 30:5
"God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me." ~Genesis 21:6
"Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, 'The Lord has done great things for them.' " ~Psalm 126:2
I was reminded of this yesterday. Watching the antics of Little M as he dug into his first birthday cake had me laughing so hard. And I didn't feel guilty for the laughter! (Something that I have been struggling with the last few weeks.) Watching the kids in the bouncing house...while it was drizzly brought smiles for both Hubs and I. Standing around talking to friends and catching up allowed more healing for my heart.
I thank God continuously for the little things: family, friends, and laughter...the blessings that get me through the day to day life.
Friday, March 2, 2012
One Day At A Time
Yesterday's quotes and verses came from sections titled The Joy of Being Me and Promises About Me. These first quotes today come from a section titled Make A Joyful Pit Stop.
"It's good to let go and bring a little relief into the noise when life is clamoring at you. It won't change any of the circumstances you find yourself in, but when you can laugh at the antics of others, perhaps because you can see yourself in them, that helps to lighten the load."
"Human beings thrive on laughter...Humor and laughter are the chocolate chips in the ice cream of life."
I enjoy laughing and being happy. I'm so thankful that my boys are goofy enough that they have managed to keep the mood light most days. I love that Hubs loves me so much, he's not ready to leave me alone while he continues to job hunt. We talked last night, and I told him that I would be fine. I told him I have my blog, my games, and my books. I also told him that the longer he stays with me, the harder it will be for me to be alone when he DOES find a job. (Not that I don't want to tell him to forget the job search and just plan to stay home with me full-time. Realistically, I know that is NOT an option, even if we are in a good place financially.)
Hubs had agreed to wake up with JJ this morning to get him ready for school. For as much as I didn't want to go to bed last night, I had the best sleep. I didn't wake until 7:30 this morning! And I am loving this warmer weather. My only hope is that spring won't be skipped over like last year. I need to start a load of laundry because we will be busy this weekend.
We are attending a birthday party tomorrow; I am so excited, but I am so anxious about going. It's for a dear friend's son...his first birthday. Little M is such a warrior! He has been through so much in only his first year of life and his first birthday is an amazing milestone! I will also be able to see several of my awesome friends. I'm sure I'll bring my camera and be part of the paparazzi :)
I feel that I am ready, but my heart will probably disagree. I need to continue on and live my life; I can't wrap myself up in a blanket and hide away (as I want to do most mornings.)...
Hubs and I had a whirlwind of packing this morning. We had most everything ready, but I ended up having two loads of laundry so that I won't be swamped on Sunday and worried that JJ has nothing to wear to school. We had leftovers for lunch and finally got everything in the car as it was time to leave to pick JJ up from school (which worked out perfectly because we were leaving straight from school for our trip.)
Our trip went well; Hubs and I were able to listen to more of our story (we've made it to disc 9 of 16, woot!) JJ played his DS, colored, AND worked on a word search! (Not at the same time, mind you.) It was so good to see my parents. I know this has been hard on Momma too. I'm glad she's able to see how I'm doing instead of just reading the blog or me on the phone telling her I'm OK.
After dinner, Momma and I worked on some crafts. Everyone else has gone to bed now, but I wanted to make sure that I finished today's entry and got it posted. I checked my email first, and I had a very heartfelt message from someone near and dear to my heart. It truly warms my heart to know that I have people in my life who love us so incredibly much..
Once again, I'm not tired...I'm not ready for bed, even though I know tomorrow is a big day. It's the quiet moments at the end of the day, right before sleep, that my brain goes into overdrive and starts thinking "what if"...and then my heart feels like it will shatter all over again.
"It's good to let go and bring a little relief into the noise when life is clamoring at you. It won't change any of the circumstances you find yourself in, but when you can laugh at the antics of others, perhaps because you can see yourself in them, that helps to lighten the load."
"Human beings thrive on laughter...Humor and laughter are the chocolate chips in the ice cream of life."
I enjoy laughing and being happy. I'm so thankful that my boys are goofy enough that they have managed to keep the mood light most days. I love that Hubs loves me so much, he's not ready to leave me alone while he continues to job hunt. We talked last night, and I told him that I would be fine. I told him I have my blog, my games, and my books. I also told him that the longer he stays with me, the harder it will be for me to be alone when he DOES find a job. (Not that I don't want to tell him to forget the job search and just plan to stay home with me full-time. Realistically, I know that is NOT an option, even if we are in a good place financially.)
Hubs had agreed to wake up with JJ this morning to get him ready for school. For as much as I didn't want to go to bed last night, I had the best sleep. I didn't wake until 7:30 this morning! And I am loving this warmer weather. My only hope is that spring won't be skipped over like last year. I need to start a load of laundry because we will be busy this weekend.
We are attending a birthday party tomorrow; I am so excited, but I am so anxious about going. It's for a dear friend's son...his first birthday. Little M is such a warrior! He has been through so much in only his first year of life and his first birthday is an amazing milestone! I will also be able to see several of my awesome friends. I'm sure I'll bring my camera and be part of the paparazzi :)
I feel that I am ready, but my heart will probably disagree. I need to continue on and live my life; I can't wrap myself up in a blanket and hide away (as I want to do most mornings.)...
Hubs and I had a whirlwind of packing this morning. We had most everything ready, but I ended up having two loads of laundry so that I won't be swamped on Sunday and worried that JJ has nothing to wear to school. We had leftovers for lunch and finally got everything in the car as it was time to leave to pick JJ up from school (which worked out perfectly because we were leaving straight from school for our trip.)
Our trip went well; Hubs and I were able to listen to more of our story (we've made it to disc 9 of 16, woot!) JJ played his DS, colored, AND worked on a word search! (Not at the same time, mind you.) It was so good to see my parents. I know this has been hard on Momma too. I'm glad she's able to see how I'm doing instead of just reading the blog or me on the phone telling her I'm OK.
After dinner, Momma and I worked on some crafts. Everyone else has gone to bed now, but I wanted to make sure that I finished today's entry and got it posted. I checked my email first, and I had a very heartfelt message from someone near and dear to my heart. It truly warms my heart to know that I have people in my life who love us so incredibly much..
Once again, I'm not tired...I'm not ready for bed, even though I know tomorrow is a big day. It's the quiet moments at the end of the day, right before sleep, that my brain goes into overdrive and starts thinking "what if"...and then my heart feels like it will shatter all over again.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
March Brings Breezes Sharp And Shrill
Shakes the dancing daffodil.
"And I fling joy-beyond my next-door neighbor's fence, clear across town, and into the universe. Then it curves right back to me. Sometimes with a whack on the head when I need it. Sometimes with a thwack into my heart. Sometimes landing with a crack at my feet. But it always comes back. No doubt about it."
This book is awesome. That's from just the very first page. Talking about how the person chooses to live with joy, even amidst the trials of day to day life. That's how *I* want to live. With joy always, no matter the circumstances. I know that by handing all of my troubles and anxieties over to God, I can experience that joy because the every day stuff won't be taking over my life.
That's not to say that my heart won't still ache-because it will. I feel an ache every time I see an expecting Momma and wish it was me. But I'm not going to let that take over my life and make me bitter. My heart strings pull every time I open my email and something new from Pampers or What To Expect is waiting for me. Yesterday was a week that I'd been home from the hospital. It would have also been the 19th week of my pregnancy. Little things will always remind me. Yet, I can't bring myself to unsubscribe from those sites. I simply open my inbox, click delete, and go on about my business. There are groups on the What To Expect site for other moms grieving a loss of their own. I may browse that next week and join a few of them; right now I feel that this blog and all of my wonderful friends and family are helping me as I figure out how to grieve and begin healing.
We received a beautiful card in the mail yesterday from Gail, the bereavement counselor at the hospital, reminding us that she was still praying for us as we continue to grieve. We all grieve differently. Hubs and I are choosing to keep busy instead of sitting around, becoming hermits, and not taking care of ourselves.
Hubs reminded me that I was going to make barbecue chicken legs in the crock pot today. I had completely forgotten when I woke up; I checked the weather, got JJ's clothes, and woke him up to get a shower. We then headed to the front and got him some breakfast and turned on the cartoons that he gets to watch while eating. (I am a fan of Disney Junior, PBS, and Nick Jr.) Sometimes he even watches Hub. They have the "new" version of the old school shows like My Little Pony, Pound Puppies, and Transformers. He seems to enjoy them, so we usually watch that in the evenings. But if I had remembered when I woke up, I could have had the chicken going before I even woke JJ up. Now Hubs has to come back for me so that I can get a shower. Not a huge deal; my plan had just been for us all to leave together so that Hubs and I could go straight to get a bite to eat before going grocery shopping. Oh well...the best laid plans, right?...well, I'm off to shower and begin the day...
We went to Hardees for breakfast (love me some biscuits and gravy even though it's SO bad for me!) Hubs and I talked a long time before we left. We talked about adoption in the future and decided that we will probably look into that route, even if we are blessed with another child. There are just so many amazing children out there that are looking for their forever home, and we have so much love to give. I was telling Hubs that I was glad that JJ understood that no matter the way (either through a child of our own or through adoption), that we DID want more children. On the way home from school yesterday, he asked "When we adopt another kid, or when we get another baby, can I tell him or her stories?" My sweet kid is overflowing with love. I admit, talking about it in Hardees, I felt a little choked up. We also talked about when we start trying again and conceive, the anxiety that we will probably have the entire pregnancy. My voice broke a little when I told Hubs "When I was pregnant with JJ, it never even crossed my mind that something could go wrong. We shared with friends and family as soon as we found out, and we were only three weeks along! With this one, we found out early December, and we waited until our first ultrasound to share because we were at the end of our first trimester already." Hubs agreed and said that it was why it took him so completely unaware: because we'd had no idea, no hint that anything was wrong...And we had assumed we were in the second trimester when the risk for miscarriage dropped like 67% or something crazy...
We then headed to Sam's Club for a big grocery shopping; we hadn't done a "big" shopping since November!!! (November was spent travelling mostly; December was spent with the holidays; January, we had company; February...well...February just was.) But we shopped for about an hour, spent way too much money, but we won't have to go shopping again for several months. We decided to go to Food Lion later in the day to get our produce (because I don't need veggies and fruit in bulk.)
After we got home, put the groceries away, and had lunch, I played on the Wii for a bit. Epic Mickey was fun. Hard at some parts (and I'm at the beginning, LOL), but it kept me busy for over an hour. We left to pick up JJ from school and listened to more of Breaking Dawn. We headed to Food Lion and got some fruit and veggies...bought some chips on MVP, and headed home. JJ got his homework done and went outside to play. I decided to play Guilty Party on the Wii. It was fun; probably would be more fun with more players. Might have to get Hubs to play with me tomorrow.
Dinner is ready: barbecue chicken in the crock pot; our house smells amazing. I also did some potatoes in the oven, and Hubs cooked a veggie Steamer in the microwave. JJ is CHOWING down :)
We watched Sky High; oddly enough, I hadn't yet seen that Disney movie. It's time for bed. I know I should be heading to bed. I'm tired. I just don't want to go to bed yet. I'll leave you with a few closing thoughts from my awesome book...
"Who are you? God's unique creation. There's nobody just like you. Never has been, never will be. Only you can be you. Be who God made you to be."
"God saw all that he had made, and it was very good." ~Genesis 1:31
"Your hands made me and formed me; give me understanding." ~Psalm 119:73
"And I fling joy-beyond my next-door neighbor's fence, clear across town, and into the universe. Then it curves right back to me. Sometimes with a whack on the head when I need it. Sometimes with a thwack into my heart. Sometimes landing with a crack at my feet. But it always comes back. No doubt about it."
This book is awesome. That's from just the very first page. Talking about how the person chooses to live with joy, even amidst the trials of day to day life. That's how *I* want to live. With joy always, no matter the circumstances. I know that by handing all of my troubles and anxieties over to God, I can experience that joy because the every day stuff won't be taking over my life.
That's not to say that my heart won't still ache-because it will. I feel an ache every time I see an expecting Momma and wish it was me. But I'm not going to let that take over my life and make me bitter. My heart strings pull every time I open my email and something new from Pampers or What To Expect is waiting for me. Yesterday was a week that I'd been home from the hospital. It would have also been the 19th week of my pregnancy. Little things will always remind me. Yet, I can't bring myself to unsubscribe from those sites. I simply open my inbox, click delete, and go on about my business. There are groups on the What To Expect site for other moms grieving a loss of their own. I may browse that next week and join a few of them; right now I feel that this blog and all of my wonderful friends and family are helping me as I figure out how to grieve and begin healing.
We received a beautiful card in the mail yesterday from Gail, the bereavement counselor at the hospital, reminding us that she was still praying for us as we continue to grieve. We all grieve differently. Hubs and I are choosing to keep busy instead of sitting around, becoming hermits, and not taking care of ourselves.
Hubs reminded me that I was going to make barbecue chicken legs in the crock pot today. I had completely forgotten when I woke up; I checked the weather, got JJ's clothes, and woke him up to get a shower. We then headed to the front and got him some breakfast and turned on the cartoons that he gets to watch while eating. (I am a fan of Disney Junior, PBS, and Nick Jr.) Sometimes he even watches Hub. They have the "new" version of the old school shows like My Little Pony, Pound Puppies, and Transformers. He seems to enjoy them, so we usually watch that in the evenings. But if I had remembered when I woke up, I could have had the chicken going before I even woke JJ up. Now Hubs has to come back for me so that I can get a shower. Not a huge deal; my plan had just been for us all to leave together so that Hubs and I could go straight to get a bite to eat before going grocery shopping. Oh well...the best laid plans, right?...well, I'm off to shower and begin the day...
We went to Hardees for breakfast (love me some biscuits and gravy even though it's SO bad for me!) Hubs and I talked a long time before we left. We talked about adoption in the future and decided that we will probably look into that route, even if we are blessed with another child. There are just so many amazing children out there that are looking for their forever home, and we have so much love to give. I was telling Hubs that I was glad that JJ understood that no matter the way (either through a child of our own or through adoption), that we DID want more children. On the way home from school yesterday, he asked "When we adopt another kid, or when we get another baby, can I tell him or her stories?" My sweet kid is overflowing with love. I admit, talking about it in Hardees, I felt a little choked up. We also talked about when we start trying again and conceive, the anxiety that we will probably have the entire pregnancy. My voice broke a little when I told Hubs "When I was pregnant with JJ, it never even crossed my mind that something could go wrong. We shared with friends and family as soon as we found out, and we were only three weeks along! With this one, we found out early December, and we waited until our first ultrasound to share because we were at the end of our first trimester already." Hubs agreed and said that it was why it took him so completely unaware: because we'd had no idea, no hint that anything was wrong...And we had assumed we were in the second trimester when the risk for miscarriage dropped like 67% or something crazy...
We then headed to Sam's Club for a big grocery shopping; we hadn't done a "big" shopping since November!!! (November was spent travelling mostly; December was spent with the holidays; January, we had company; February...well...February just was.) But we shopped for about an hour, spent way too much money, but we won't have to go shopping again for several months. We decided to go to Food Lion later in the day to get our produce (because I don't need veggies and fruit in bulk.)
After we got home, put the groceries away, and had lunch, I played on the Wii for a bit. Epic Mickey was fun. Hard at some parts (and I'm at the beginning, LOL), but it kept me busy for over an hour. We left to pick up JJ from school and listened to more of Breaking Dawn. We headed to Food Lion and got some fruit and veggies...bought some chips on MVP, and headed home. JJ got his homework done and went outside to play. I decided to play Guilty Party on the Wii. It was fun; probably would be more fun with more players. Might have to get Hubs to play with me tomorrow.
Dinner is ready: barbecue chicken in the crock pot; our house smells amazing. I also did some potatoes in the oven, and Hubs cooked a veggie Steamer in the microwave. JJ is CHOWING down :)
We watched Sky High; oddly enough, I hadn't yet seen that Disney movie. It's time for bed. I know I should be heading to bed. I'm tired. I just don't want to go to bed yet. I'll leave you with a few closing thoughts from my awesome book...
"Who are you? God's unique creation. There's nobody just like you. Never has been, never will be. Only you can be you. Be who God made you to be."
"God saw all that he had made, and it was very good." ~Genesis 1:31
"Your hands made me and formed me; give me understanding." ~Psalm 119:73
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