March Brings Breezes Sharp And Shrill

Shakes the dancing daffodil.


"And I fling joy-beyond my next-door neighbor's fence, clear across town, and into the universe.  Then it curves right back to me.  Sometimes with a whack on the head when I need it.  Sometimes with a thwack into my heart.  Sometimes landing with a crack at my feet.  But it always comes back.  No doubt about it."

     This book is awesome.  That's from just the very first page.  Talking about how the person chooses to live with joy, even amidst the trials of day to day life.  That's how *I* want to live.  With joy always, no matter the circumstances.  I know that by handing all of my troubles and anxieties over to God, I can experience that joy because the every day stuff won't be taking over my life.
     That's not to say that my heart won't still ache-because it will.  I feel an ache every time I see an expecting Momma and wish it was me.  But I'm not going to let that take over my life and make me bitter.  My heart strings pull every time I open my email and something new from Pampers or What To Expect is waiting for me.  Yesterday was a week that I'd been home from the hospital.  It would have also been the 19th week of my pregnancy.  Little things will always remind me.  Yet,  I can't bring myself to unsubscribe from those sites.  I simply open my inbox, click delete, and go on about my business.  There are groups on the What To Expect site for other moms grieving a loss of their own.  I may browse that next week and join a few of them;  right now I feel that this blog and all of my wonderful friends and family are helping me as I figure out how to grieve and begin healing.
     We received a beautiful card in the mail yesterday from Gail, the bereavement counselor at the hospital, reminding us that she was still praying for us as we continue to grieve.  We all grieve differently.  Hubs and I are choosing to keep busy instead of sitting around, becoming hermits, and not taking care of ourselves.
     Hubs reminded me that I was going to make barbecue chicken legs in the crock pot today.  I had completely forgotten when I woke up;  I checked the weather, got JJ's clothes, and woke him up to get a shower.  We then headed to the front and got him some breakfast and turned on the cartoons that he gets to watch while eating. (I am a fan of Disney Junior, PBS, and Nick Jr.)  Sometimes he even watches Hub.  They have the "new" version of the old school shows like My Little Pony, Pound Puppies, and Transformers.  He seems to enjoy them, so we usually watch that in the evenings.  But if I had remembered when I woke up, I could have had the chicken going before I even woke JJ up.  Now Hubs has to come back for me so that I can get a shower.  Not a huge deal; my plan had just been for us all to leave together so that Hubs and I could go straight to get a bite to eat before going grocery shopping.  Oh well...the best laid plans, right?...well, I'm off to shower and begin the day...
     We went to Hardees for breakfast (love me some biscuits and gravy even though it's SO bad for me!)  Hubs and I talked a long time before we left.  We talked about adoption in the future and decided that we will probably look into that route, even if we are blessed with another child.  There are just so many amazing children out there that are looking for their forever home, and we have so much love to give.  I was telling Hubs that I was glad that JJ understood that no matter the way (either through a child of our own or through adoption), that we DID want more children.  On the way home from school yesterday, he asked "When we adopt another kid, or when we get another baby, can I tell him or her stories?"  My sweet kid is overflowing with love.  I admit, talking about it in Hardees, I felt a little choked up.  We also talked about when we start trying again and conceive, the anxiety that we will probably have the entire pregnancy.  My voice broke a little when I told Hubs "When I was pregnant with JJ, it never even crossed my mind that something could go wrong.  We shared with friends and family as soon as we found out, and we were only three weeks along!  With this one, we found out early December, and we waited until our first ultrasound to share because we were at the end of our first trimester already."  Hubs agreed and said that it was why it took him so completely unaware: because we'd had no idea, no hint that anything was wrong...And we had assumed we were in the second trimester when the risk for miscarriage dropped like 67% or something crazy...
     We then headed to Sam's Club for a big grocery shopping;  we hadn't done a "big" shopping since November!!!    (November was spent travelling mostly; December was spent with the holidays; January, we had company; February...well...February  just was.)  But we shopped for about an hour, spent way too much money, but we won't have to go shopping again for several months.  We decided to go to Food Lion later in the day to get our produce (because I don't need veggies and fruit in bulk.)
     After we got home, put the groceries away, and had lunch, I played on the Wii for a bit.  Epic Mickey was fun.  Hard at some parts (and I'm at the beginning, LOL), but it kept me busy for over an hour.  We left to pick up JJ from school and listened to more of Breaking Dawn.  We headed to Food Lion and got some fruit and veggies...bought some chips on MVP, and headed home.  JJ got his homework done and went outside to play.  I decided to play Guilty Party on the Wii.  It was fun;  probably would be more fun with more players.  Might have to get Hubs to play with me tomorrow.
     Dinner is ready:  barbecue chicken in the crock pot;  our house smells amazing.  I also did some potatoes in the oven, and Hubs cooked a veggie Steamer in the microwave.  JJ is CHOWING down :)
     We watched Sky High; oddly enough, I hadn't yet seen that Disney movie.  It's time for bed.  I know I should be heading to bed.  I'm tired.  I just don't want to go to bed yet.  I'll leave you with a few closing thoughts from my awesome book...
     "Who are you?  God's unique creation.  There's nobody just like you.  Never has been, never will be.  Only you can be you.  Be who God made you to be."
     "God saw all that he had made, and it was very good."  ~Genesis 1:31
     "Your hands made me and formed me; give me understanding."  ~Psalm 119:73