'Cause What If Your Blessings Come Through Raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
~Laura Story, Blessings

     If you've never heard this song, look it up.  Listen.  REALLY listen.  This has been one of my favorite songs for several months; I had told Hubs a while back that it was my new theme song.  It seemed that whenever I was upset, frustrated, scared...whatever...I heard it on the radio and was reminded that I am NOT alone.  I was also reminded that blessings are not always so straight forward.  When we were so shattered on our way home that Friday, this song came on.  My heart continued to ache and break, the tears started anew, but the reminder was loud and clear.  God is with me, no matter the circumstances.  Hubs has a hard time listening to this song now because it played that day...and when he was following the ambulance, he heard it.  I won't lie-it's not a jump for joy kind of song.  It has a more somber undercurrent.  But it's a beautiful song.  Really.  If you haven't heard it, you should do so.
     I went to bed fairly early last night, around 9pm.  I read a little of this murder mystery that I have been trying to get through.  I fell asleep maybe around 9:30pm with the book still in my hand.  I woke up later when Hubs was taking the book out of my hand.  I slept so well though.  I didn't get up until 6:45 this morning when my alarm when off.  My headache is gone, woohoo!
     We have to arrive at my appointment by 10:30am.  Hopefully they will be able to take us early like they did last time, and our appointment won't last long.  The first one is at 11am; the hematologist appointment is at 2pm.  We'll be driving separate cars so that Hubs can leave if need be to pick JJ up from school.  I'm sure that I'll have more to share later this afternoon.
     So, we arrived about 10:45ish to the first appointment.  After checking in, they sent me right over to Lab D (which is in another building)...no worries...we go over, hand them the paperwork, and they have me sit down to get weight and blood pressure.  I weighed 2 lbs more than I had weighed at Momma's house over the weekend, but I had eaten breakfast and had been drinking water, so I wasn't bummed about the number.  I sat down in the chair and answered some questions about my medical history.  The lady asked me what I was having done today, and I told her that I was supposed to get my platelets checked along with my blood pressure...and depending on my blood pressure, I needed a prescription for birth control.  She looked confused, looked down at the paper, and I guess at my info in the computer and said "But aren't you pregnant?"  So I took a deep breath and said "I was, but we lost the baby just over two weeks ago.  When we went in for the delivery, they discovered my low platelet count, and when I left, they wanted me to have a check up on my blood pressure before putting me on the Pill."  I could tell by the look on her face that she felt A.W.F.U.L.  So, we went over a few more things, and then it was time to take my blood pressure.  As she's putting the cuff on, she tells me "I tried to wait a few minutes to let your blood pressure level out because I surprised you with that question.  I am so sorry!"  Now, if she had just taken my BP, I wouldn't have thought twice about her asking me, but she reminded me as she was about to take it!  My BP was 131/90.  She tells me to go think happy thoughts in the lobby, and she would retake my BP in a bit.  I go sit with Hubs, we talk a few minutes, then I grab his hand and hold it while thinking happy thoughts about him and JJ and how much I love them and how happy they make me.  Good music was playing; we were the only ones in the lobby, so I sang along.  Another lady comes from the back with her son and friend and sits down.  The nurse comes to take my BP.  She brought the machine out to me so I didn't have to move.  I'm convinced that my BP will be lower because I am SO relaxed.  In the middle of the reading, the other lady that had come out tells her son "See?  Here's a picture of your baby brother!" and shows him an ultrasound picture.  My heart fell.  Literally.  The cuff started tightening again, and the nurse was like "I don't know why it does that!  You haven't moved an inch."  The reading was high.  141/91.  The nurse sighed and said "we tried."  They had me stay in the lobby until it was time to see the dr.
     They call me back, walk me to the room, and then ask "Did you want your husband with you?"  So, I walk back up, get Hubs, and go back to the room.  It felt like we waited a long time, but it wasn't really that long.  Hubs and I were both just blah and anxious.  My BP was high, so we didn't think they would prescribe me any birth control (since I had wanted the Pill instead of a long term contraceptive); we knew we were going to have to talk about losing the baby, and just sitting in the room with ultrasound gel on the counter was enough to make us blah.
     The dr came in, and she was so incredibly nice.  The nurse had filled her in, so she didn't ask why we were there (although, when I called to make the appointment, I told them why, so I had assumed that would be in my charts.)  She asked if I needed anything to help sleep, and I told her no, I was sleeping through the night.  She asked if I was wanting birth control, and I told her yes...but I didn't know if we could get the Pill because of my blood pressure.  She suggested the mirena, and I told her that we were hoping to try again within a year.  She agreed that the mirena was not the best choice unless we were going to wait a year or more.  She vetoed the depo shot because it causes weight gain (and I am hoping to continue with my weight loss).  She finally settled on a progesterone only mini-pill.  For those mommas that have nursed and gotten on the Pill after giving birth, this is the pill that you take.  It's only 95% effective (nursing usually increases that, but since I'm not nursing....) We talked about my previous pregnancy with JJ:  the low platelets, the pre-eclampsia, and the eventual c-section.  She asked if I'd had gestational diabetes, and I told her no.  She asked if I'd been tested this time, and I told her no because they usually do all of that testing around 20 weeks, and I was only at 17.  I told her they had done the 24 hour urine test to check for pre-eclampsia because my BP had been so high, but that it came back negative.  She told me that they were going to do some blood work on me to check my platelets and to also check if I was insulin dependent.  She was also going to check for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  Because it took so long to conceive the second time, she suspects that I may have PCOS.  We also talked about weight loss and how losing weight would help with conception (when we start trying again)...and it would also help my blood pressure.  (Which I had already known and had been trying to lose weight before we found out we were expecting.  The good news is that I've lost weight throughout the first trimester-12 pounds- and I have lost weight in the last two weeks.)  The dr said I could start walking again (yay!)  I have an appointment in three weeks to go over my blood work and possibly do a 2 hour glucose test for diabetes (depending on how the blood work for the insulin dependency goes)...Something else to worry about...PCOS (which my dr in Boone had mentioned way back when and told me that we wouldn't know until I started trying to have kids and couldn't conceive because one of the signs of this is infertility...and I went through all that time, not knowing if I could ever have kids...and I had told Hubs that when we were married and started trying to have kids, I didn't know if I could conceive...it was a huge shock when we conceived JJ within a month...so I didn't think anything else of it...and then it took almost six years to conceive Baby #2...)...diabetes (which runs in my family...Momma has diabetes and so does Grandmutter...Granddaddy had it when he was alive...)
     Our appointment finished right at noon, so we headed over to walmart to drop off my prescription and decided to get a quick bite to eat.  We ended up at Taco Bell; neither of us were very hungry, so we ordered something small.  We talked a little bit then headed back to walmart.  We picked up a few things we needed then headed to the pharmacy to get my prescription.  It was about 1:15 at this point, so we decided to head on over to where my appointment was, and then we would sit in my car and listen to our story for a few minutes.  (We were in two cars in case the second appointment was long so that Hubs could go pick up JJ.)
     We arrived about 1:30 and listened to our story about 15 minutes.  At this point, I was still feeling good.  I was tired because we had been out since just after 10am, but my headache hadn't returned.  I check in and was given a mountain of paperwork to complete.  I sit and start filling everything out when I was called back up to the check in area.  They needed to know who to contact to get my records because they had NO paperwork on me.  I told them I had been in Wilmington when I had gotten the referral, but they were supposed to fax everything to my dr here in town.  I gave the information, and they called over to have the information faxed.  I sat back down to finish filling everything out, and I could feel a slight twinge begin right behind my eyes.  I knew I was starting to really stress out because I was worried they would tell me that they couldn't see me because they had no paperwork.  Someone from my dr hand carried my records over, but they only had one sheet (probably from my appointment that day).  Hubs alarm went off at 2:30, and we were still sitting in the lobby.  At 2:40, they called me back, and I sent Hubs on to pick up JJ.  I told the guy that my BP had been high at my first appointment, and I'd eaten lunch between appointments.  He wanted to know how it came about to get my platelets checked, and I had to retell the story to him.  I told him that we had lost the baby and that it was still rather raw.  He asked how far along I had been, and I told him that when we found out, I was 17 weeks and 2 days.  He was shocked.  He took my BP and my temperature.  The temp finished before the BP, and he says "wow.  Did you know you're sick?"  I was like "What?!"  and sure enough.  I had a temp of 101.4 and had no idea.  I hadn't felt bad (other than the headache, but it had gone away with a good night of sleep....only to return at this appointment because they had no paperwork on me.)  Then the BP finished...I can't even tell you what the top number was because the bottom number was 105.  He told me that he would get another reading later.  He took my weight, and I told him what I had weighed that morning...he told me I gained two pounds at lunch.  I can't really complain because it hadn't been that long since we had eaten.  I then went back to the little room to wait for the dr.  I had brought a book, so I started reading. 
     This dr was so nice as well!  We talked about my low platelets, my first pregnancy, and taking prednisone at the end.  I then told her that my counts had gotten down to 29k but went back up to 45k the next day.  She told me that they would do blood work to check my platelets and to check my antibodies to make sure that I didn't have the type that were attacking my platelets.  She said if I had that type, then sometimes during pregnancy, the antibodies could cross the placenta, and it could be bad for the baby (unless other measures were taken).  She said that it didn't typically happen until much later in the pregnancy than I had been...usually the third trimester. 
     She took me to the lab, and the lab tech was so nice.  She noticed I had a cotton swab already on my arm and she said "ooh...someone already bit you!"  I laughed and said "yeah, this morning at my first appointment."  Instead of using a bandaid, they used surgical tape (super sticky surgical tape at that), so when I took it off, it made a blood blister in the crook of my arm.  The lab tech was like "OUCH.  That just took off your skin!"  She took blood from the opposite arm and used this really cool bandage stuff that stuck to itself instead of my skin.  My platelets were at 47k.  Still low for normal people, but higher than mine had been two weeks ago.
     The dr came in to talk to me again and told me that she would see me again in one week to go over the rest of my blood work and to possibly discuss me taking a steroid to boost my counts.  :sigh:  Not that it won't help because it did during my pregnancy with JJ...I'm just beginning to feel like I have a portable pharmacy in my kitchen.  JJ already takes like 6 things a day...(vitamin, singulair, zyrtech, daily inhaler, flonase, and Tums...poor kid started getting heartburn, so he takes one in the morning and one at night)...and then my meds:  labetalol for the blood pressure, prenatal vitamin (my dr wants me to take it as an every day vitamin), the birth control that I just had filled, and now possibly a daily steroid.  Hubs just takes a daily multivitamin...lucky him.  LOL.
     I scheduled my appointment, paid my co-pay, and headed home.  It was almost 3:30.  Hubs and JJ were home working on homework.  They finished, and I told Hubs about my appointment...the high blood pressure, the two pound gain after lunch...and OH..apparently I'm sick.  I had just finished telling him that when my phone rang;  it was the lab tech from the second appointment.  She wanted me to make sure that I contacted the OB to make her aware of the platelet count and the temp.  Since I had delivered two weeks prior, it could be an infection setting in.  (Stress anyone?)
     I called the OB and left a message with the nurse with what the hematologist said and for her to please call back.  I hung up and finished telling Hubs about my appointment and the blood work...and the "new" platelet count.  He was thinking like me..."It's higher than it was two weeks ago!"  (You have to be positive about the small things...especially during times like these...or else you will drown in the little stuff.)
     I had just finished telling him about the rest of the appointment, and my phone rings again.  The same dr office.  It was the guy this time, wanting to know what I was taking for my fever.  I told him nothing because I hadn't been aware that I had a fever until he told me, and I had nothing at home to take.  I told him I was waiting for the OB to call to find out what I needed to do.
     Momma called me when she got home (it was after 4 at this point), so I was telling her about everything.  And really, there's nothing else to do but keep a sense of humor at this point.  So, I told her about the first appointment, and then I said "as if I didn't have enough going on, apparently I'm sick!"  I told her about the temperature at the second appointment.  I told her that I didn't feel bad (except for the headache that was trying really hard to become a raging migraine).  I told her I was waiting to talk to her, and then I was going to go lie in the bed for a bit.  My phone beeped, and it was the OB.  We hung up, and I talked with the OB.  She apologized for not realizing I didn't feel well, and I told her that was just it, I felt fine.  I wasn't having chills or aches or anything indicating that I was sick.  She asked if I was having any pain in the pelvic area or when I tried to urinate.  I told her no, I was in no pain whatsoever.  She said that she didn't suspect an infection; that I was allowed to just get sick...but she wanted me to take it easy, and if I started having trouble using the bathroom or if I noticed any pain, to contact her, and they would fit me in.  We hung up, and I called Momma back to let her know what the dr had said.  We talked a few more minutes, said our goodbyes, and then I asked Hubs if he would be OK getting dinner ready.  I went to bed; I read for a few minutes, and then I fell asleep.  (I had taken my temperature at home, and it was 100.3...it had gone down, but only by 1 degree.)  I woke up sometime later, and I was shivering.  I had the blankets bundled around me, but my feet were freezing.  I got up, found my slipper socks, and put on a sweatshirt.  I came up (it was about 6:30), told Hubs I was freezing, and he wrapped his arms around me.  He was SO warm...I decided to fix me some hot tea.  Hubs had made chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes, and veggies, so I ate a few nuggets and some mashed potatoes.  I drank two cups of hot tea.  I would get hot, then get cold.  I sat in the living room with my boys until 8pm, and right after JJ went to bed, I went to bed.  I had 10 pages left in my book.  I finished those, and then I went to sleep.  I woke up a little after 9 and took my temperature...100.6, going back up.  I drank some water and went back to bed.  My body felt hot and cold...not a fun combo because I couldn't decide if I needed the covers on or off.  I finally decided to keep the covers on with one leg hanging out and my arm hanging out. 
     I felt bad for not getting this posted yesterday, but I really just did not feel up to sitting in front of the computer.  As the evening wore on, I started getting achy.  I told Hubs that if I didn't know any better (as in I had gotten the flu shot), then I would think I was getting the flu.  It was that kind of achy...my eyes hurt when I blinked...my hair even hurt at the roots.  It was pretty pitiful...