This weekend was super busy; it kept me from thinking too much. Friday, we drove to Momma's house to spend the weekend. We had to find JJ an Easter/wedding outfit. (Remember the one I wanted was too small?) Friday we just hung out, had tacos for dinner, worked on some hats, and spent time visiting.
Saturday was St. Patty's day...we all had our green on. (My Friday nail painting session even included me painting my tips green and sparkly!) We stayed super busy, and I am so thankful for that. We went to Hammricks, Kohls, Target, and ended up back at Walmart. We found a suit we mostly liked at Hammricks; only it was pinstriped, and we really wanted plain black. They had another one with an orange shirt (go Clemson!) but the pants were brown. JJ really wanted the orange one. So, we put the pinstriped on hold and continued shopping. We went to Kohls but found nothing. The pants in the size he wears at walmart...would not even fit him. Can you believe the clothes at Kohls are made smaller? I didn't think anyone made their clothes smaller than walmart. We went to Target. I don't normally shop at Target. The clothes there were made a bit smaller as well, BUT the pants we had to get had the adjustable waistband. So even though we had to get him a bigger size than normal, we had to pull it tight on him. The length was crazy long on him though. We got the black dress pants and some shorts. Off we head to walmart. We ended up finding a green shirt with a tie (which is what I had wanted all along!), so we bought that. We had also gone to the shoe store, and JJ got three new pairs of shoes. I couldn't remember if his current dress shoes still fit him, so we bought another pair. Plus we got him a pair of slip on canvas shoes for karate and a new pair of tennis shoes. He was so pumped. We finally headed home after being gone all day; it was 2:30pm! At home, Momma started dinner, and we sat around working on hats, talking...just hanging out. I didn't want to sit still...I needed to keep my mind off of everything. I didn't want to talk about it though, so I never mentioned to anyone, although I can't imagine that no one else thought about it. Dad came home, and we all hung out. Dinner was early: yummy St. Patty's day meal-corned beef brisket, steamed cabbage, potatoes, and carrots. We weren't sure JJ would eat it; he proved us wrong. He LOVED the corned beef. Hubs and I had plans to visit with my honorary big sister that evening, so we set a time and headed over around 7. We ran our mouths all evening. We didn't leave until 11:30pm. I was pretty tired, so I was sure that when we got home, I would fall right asleep. I got ready for bed and got snuggled in, but then my brain started working overtime. Has it really only been a month since that life-changing ultrasound? Am I going to think about this the 17th of every.single.month? So much has happened in the last 30 days. Thoughts were just running through my head over and over.
Sunday morning, I think we were the last ones to wake up. I felt like I had been run over. I know I slept, but because my mind was working overtime, I kept waking up. For silly things. One time, I opened my eyes (around 5:30am or so) and heard the rain. Then I thought "Did I set my alarm to go off at 6:30? Do I need to check it or will Hubs alarm go off at 7:00 so we aren't late waking up JJ for school.?" I actually sat up in bed, then saw the outline of the window and realized we weren't even home! It was only Sunday, and we were still at Momma's house.
We went to lunch with my parents and Grandmutter. At home, Grandmutter, Momma, and I watched JJ play some games on the Wii. I kept dozing on the couch. I finally went to make sure that our stuff was packed and mostly ready for whenever we decided to leave. We laughed at the antics of Anabel and Sam. We left around 5pm to head home. We said our good-byes and headed off. We listened to our story. We are halfway through the final disc (disc 16!) I am so glad that we are going to be finished this week so that we can return it to the library. We had a good trip home. Traffic wasn't too bad and we didn't run into any rain.
I played on some games; I didn't want to start writing this, and then go to bed. I figured I should get it all out in one sitting. They were having a Harry Potter-thon on tv. (de-ja-vu, anyone?) We watched the ending of Goblet of Fire, and then it went straight into Half-Blood Prince. At 9, I had told Hubs he could have the computer for schoolwork. I felt restless. I started trying to crochet but ended up pulling it all out. All I could think of is that things were almost the exact same as they had been one month ago. Only I was at home. And I was no longer pregnant. And I had already gone through this nightmare once. I wish I could hit a rewind button and watch my life as it happened and figure out what went wrong, so I could change it. I still lie in bed some nights and wonder if it was something that I could have helped if I had known. I try not to; I know it will just make me crazy. It's the reason we declined an autopsy. I was afraid if they found nothing wrong, then it would make me crazy for the rest of my life trying to find out why and what had happened.
I ended up going to bed to read a bit, and this quote at the end of the first chapter says it best: You never know how strong you can be until strong is the only choice you have.
No comments:
Post a Comment