Random thoughts:
1. I love my kindle fire. I was a bit skeptical when the kindles first became all the rage because I like holding an actual book. I still like holding a "real" book, but I think for travelling purposes, the kindle is awesome. Now I don't have to pack an extra bag just for my books. I also have wi-fi, so when we stop for meals, I can check facebook, if I feel the desire to do so. I love the games. I'm also enjoying The Hunger Games (finally!)
2. The purple box is still mocking me. I want to open it; I really do. I want to see my baby. I must take baby steps though. First, I will get my maternity clothes packed away. Then we will see. It's only been a month. Not really that long in the big scheme of things.
3. Early release days at school drive me nuts. Not because I'm not happy to see JJ sooner; I just feel rushed my entire day. Four hours of school is crazy. Today we have to return our books to the library, and I think we are going to get those extra bins from walmart (if they have anymore!) I SOOO hope they have more so that I can get the rest of my yarn put away.
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We survived Wednesday. We made it to the library, but not to Walmart. We went to Walmart on Thursday. I found the two extra bins I needed (thankfully they had restocked!!), and we had to buy a kite for JJ because today is kite day at school...or at least for his class. We had to choose between Cars, Spiderman, and Transformers. Normally, I would have just gotten Cars because he still loves any and all things Cars, but Hubs thought we should get Transformers since that is his new favorite cartoon on the hub. He'd have been happy either way, LOL, but we got the Transformers. Hopefully it is a breezy day so that the kids can get their kites in the air. We had also run to CVS and the post office, but then we headed home.
Now, I don't know if I am trying to get a cold or if I am having a reaction to the pollen. I've been sneezing like crazy, and I am super congested. I can't blow my nose, but it will randomly start dripping. Gross, I know. I've taken my temperature because I feel warm to myself, but the thermometer says normal temp. I had a bit of a headache yesterday afternoon, but I have no idea if it was a sinus headache or what.
When we got home, I was able to get the two bins filled with my yarn, which left me two bins completely empty. I decided to use one for all things crochet and knitting: my needles and hooks, books and printed out patterns, and my looms. The other is for "all other" craft items: ribbons, glue, pompoms, scrap booking stuff. It feels super good to have it all in one central location instead of all over the house. And not taking over my closet. So, I have one wall organized now, LOL. Our boardgames are all together, and my crafting needs are all together. I have two huge empty bins now (that were in my closet and possibly will return there but filled with clothes instead of yarn) that I am going to put my winter stuff in and my maternity clothes. Today is the day. I know that I can do this.
Hubs left to pick up JJ from school while I was getting some last minute things on the shelves, so I stayed home. I sat down to take a breather, and I looked at the purple memory box, and I knew it was time. I grabbed it before I could change my mind, and I opened it. I sat for just a moment staring at the contents, and then I slowly began to remove everything. The folder with the pictures was at the very bottom, so I took that out, opened it, and removed the envelope. I stared at the date written "2/20/12" and thought about all that has happened since then. Then I opened the envelope. The pictures were face down, so I could have changed my mind, but I took a deep breath and flipped them over. I went slowly through the pictures. My heart was very sad; as I sat there looking, I could help but think what might have been...and I couldn't help but think that Baby Aleman was beautiful and would have grown up to be just as beautiful as JJ. But I didn't fall apart. It didn't make me want to curl up in the bed, under the covers, and never leave. That's what I had been afraid of: if I looked at the pictures, it would be a setback for me instead of a step forward. But it wasn't a setback. Looking at the pictures, I knew I had made the right decision by not viewing the body while at the hospital. I would have wanted to hold the baby, and I don't know that I could have let go when the time came. As I was looking through the pictures, I was amazed by how developed the baby was. I was also amazed that the body was NOT bloated looking; I'm not sure I think it had even been a week. There were little hands and little feet, complete with fingers and toes. The skin was thin, for being so young, but otherwise, the baby was beautiful. The baby was just small, and for whatever reason, died. I didn't have a miscarriage because my body held on to the baby. The baby died in the womb, and I still had to deliver.
Hubs and JJ got home, and they got started on homework. JJ went to play outside, and Hubs was reading book one of The Hunger Games. (AWESOME read, by the way, if you feel the need to pick it up, borrow it, whatever.) I played games on Facebook for a bit, then it was time to get JJ in and cleaned up so that we could go to Cici's for dinner. They were having another give back night, where they get part of the proceeds if we mention the school when ordering. JJ was happy to see several kids from his school. We went to Catos afterwards so that I could get a top to wear for Easter and for the wedding.
Once we got home, it was a rush to get JJ ready for bed, medicated, teeth brushed, and hugs and kisses. He got to bed, and Hubs and I sat in the living room together. I hadn't told him yet that I had looked at the pictures, so I told him. He was surprised that I had done it by myself instead of waiting until he could be with me; I told him that it was just something I needed to do on my own and that I was ok. We talked about the pictures for a bit, and then he continued reading The Hunger Games, and I played on the computer.
I talked with my Person for a little while, but I needed to get to bed. As it is, it was 12:30am when I finally went to bed. Hubs has a job interview this morning, so please say a prayer or two that it goes well. While we are doing well with what we have, a full-time job would be awesome!
If you can spare an extra prayer for me, please do. Today is the "big" day. I'm packing away maternity clothes; finally closing that chapter. I am still healing. Baby steps.
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